You save me
by swimmergal06
Summary: MerDer AU. What if Derek had met Meredith in New York before he caught Mark and Addison?
1. Chapter 1

**Hi friends! Welcome to my next fic, which is pre-Grey's AU. This story takes place about a year before Grey's starts, before Derek catches Mark and Addison. Meredith is attending Columbia for med school instead of Dartmouth, and we'll see what happens when a married Derek meets a mysterious Meredith. I love getting feedback from you guys! I write these stories for you guys to enjoy, so if you have an ideas as to how I can improve or what you'd like to see in this story, please please let me know. That's pretty much it, so...enjoy!**

**You save me**

**Kenny Chesney**

**Every now and then I get a little lost  
My strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed  
Every now and then I'm right upon the edge  
Dangling my toes out over the ledge  
I just thank God you're here**

'Cause when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun  
'Cause when I'm a firecracker comin' undone  
Or when I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy  
No matter where my reckless soul takes me  
Baby you save me

It's hard lovin' a man that's got a gypsy soul  
I don't know how you do it, I'm not sure how you know  
The perfect thing to say to save me from myself  
You're the angel that believes in me like nobody else  
And I thank God you do

'Cause when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun  
When I'm a firecracker coming undone  
When I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy  
No matter where my reckless soul takes me  
Baby you save me

I know I don't tell you nearly enough  
That I couldn't live one day without your love

When I'm a ship tossed around on the waves  
Up on a highwire that's ready to break  
When I've had just about all I can take  
Baby you, baby you save me

When I'm a bullet shot out of a gun  
When I'm a firecracker coming undone  
When I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy  
No matter where my reckless soul takes me  
Baby you save me

Derek sighed as he walked into his favorite coffee shop, desperately craving a cup of coffee. Addison had left the house before he'd woken up for an early surgery, and he was trying to ignore the feeling of contentment he'd had getting ready for work without her fluttering around.

He hated the fact that the most exciting part of his day that he was going to be able to get a normal cup of coffee instead of the gourmet coffee grinds that Addison had special ordered and sent directly to their brownstone. It was probably a reflection of his life such as it was right now, but he didn't have the energy to think about anything besides the appealing cup of coffee that he was about to consume.

He and Addison had been married for ten years now. He'd proposed after they'd found out that they had been accepted into the same internship program, and two weeks after they had graduated from med school they had gotten married. They'd been happy, with a two week honeymoon in Hawaii before they'd settled into their internship, into the real world that Addison had quickly become enamored with.

He couldn't pinpoint the exact time that she had changed, but one day he'd woken up that he was completely miserable in the world of private practice and ballets every weekend, married to a woman who couldn't get enough designer clothing or elegant seven course dinners.

Now, he was just trapped. He hated that he felt that way, because ten years ago he had been completely head over heels in love with Addison. His wife was amazing. He knew that. She was a wonderful surgeon, and a strong woman that he knew he would hate to hurt. So now he wasn't sure what to do, how he had ended up getting so excited about a simple cup of coffee before he went to work in the practice that he hated.

"Oh my God!"

Derek was suddenly pulled out of his thoughts when he felt someone crash into him, following quickly by the burn of hot liquid on his skin. "What the hell?" he cried as he jumped back.

"I'm sorry!" a petite, brown haired girl exclaimed, reaching down to pick her now empty coffee cup from the floor. "Are you okay?"

"I…yeah," Derek inhaled deeply, stepping out of line to reach for a pile of napkins. "Are you?"

"Yeah," she said, looking down at her white blouse. "Although there goes looking presentable for my interview today."

"Here," Derek said, thrusting some napkins out to her and trying to ignore the way the blouse now clung to her breasts.

"I'm really sorry," she said, mopping at the stain on her shirt before she gave up and pulled a worn black sweater out of her bag.

"It's okay," he shrugged, looking down at the stain on his shirt. "I never liked this shirt." Addison had bought it for him for Christmas last year.

"Oh," she nodded. "Well…you have to let me buy you a coffee."

"What?" he frowned.

"Coffee," she said, moving to stand in line again. "I spilled on you, so it's only fair that I buy you a new one."

Derek felt a smile tugging at his lips, wondering why he was so captivated by this girl. "Fine," he said. "But only if you let me replace the one you lost."

She giggled, the sound melodic to his ears. "Okay," she said.

He examined her closely as they waited in line, taking in her green eyes, the soft curls of her hair, and the mysterious aura about her. She was beautiful in a way that Addison never could be, her face not covered by make up, completely natural and satisfied with the way she presented herself.

"Regular coffee, milk and sugar," she ordered. Addison drank French pressed lattes.

He shook his head slightly. He couldn't compare this woman he'd known for less than five minutes to his wife. It wasn't fair, and it was completely ridiculous.

"It's your turn," her voice said as she stepped closer to him, moving away from the counter.

"Oh," he said, clearing his throat as he stepped to the counter. "Regular coffee, extra cream."

They were silent as they stood side by side waiting for their coffee. Derek felt himself strangely comforted by her presence beside him. He had no idea what it was, but he wasn't sure he wanted to lose the feeling.

"Okay," she said, reaching for her coffee as it was placed on the counter. "Well, thanks for the coffee. And…I'm sorry about your shirt."

She was leaving. He didn't want her to leave quite yet.

"Wait," he blurted out, causing her to turn from where she stood in front of the door. She looked at him expectantly, and he realized that he had absolutely nothing to say. "I…do you want to sit down?"

She flashed him a bright smile. "Are you asking me on a date?"

Derek swallowed hard as he buried his left hand in his coat pocket, concealing the platinum gold wedding band that Addison had insisted that he wear. This was wrong, he knew it was completely wrong, but in that moment he didn't care. "If I was asking you out, it wouldn't be for coffee in a place we just happened to be in," he said.

She examined him closely for a moment, then smiled as she turned back to the door. "I'm late," she announced.

"At least tell me your name," he said.

She flashed another smile at him over her shoulder. "I come here every morning," she informed him before she turned and disappeared out the door, leaving him standing in the middle of the coffee shop completely abandoned.

After a moment, he grabbed his own coffee and left the shop, walking the few blocks to his practice all the while trying to get the mysterious coffee girl out of his mind. He ran a hand over his face as he stood in the lobby waiting for the elevator doors to slid open, trying to recall the patients he was seeing today, what Addison had planned for them that night, anything to distract himself from the interaction in the coffee shop that morning.

"Well you look like hell," his best friend's voice came from behind him and he turned to look at him.

"Mark," he said, taking a long sip of coffee. The two of them had ended up working in practices in the same medical complex, with Addison's three blocks away.

"So have you made reservations for Addison's birthday yet?" Mark asked.

Derek froze, coffee cup halfway to his mouth. He hadn't even remembered that Addison's birthday was fast approaching, less than a week away. "Is it November already?" he asked, completely aware of how stupid he sounded.

"Really, Shep?" Mark asked. "She's your wife. It's her birthday, and you can't even remember her birthday?"

"I'm not going to take marriage advice from you," Derek rolled his eyes as they stepped onto the elevator. "Who are you going to be taking to dinner for her birthday?"

Mark shrugged as he glanced at the ceiling. "No one," he said.

"No one?" Derek raised his eyebrows. His best friend usually had a different woman every night.

"Not interested," Mark shrugged.

Derek looked at him closely for a moment. "Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Fine," Mark coughed slightly. "Damn this elevator's slow."

Derek frowned, knowing that something was up, but before he could say anything else the doors slid open on his floor. "I'll talk to you later," he said. "Lunch at the deli later?"

"Don't forget to make the reservations!" Mark called after him as the doors slid closed.

Derek shook his head as he walked into the office, greeting the receptionist and the nurses with a smile before he unlocked the door to his office, shrugging out of his trench coat and settling down behind his desk. The tie that he wore every day felt like it was choking him, but he ignored it as he reached for his phone, dialing the number of Addison's favorite restaurant, quickly making a reservation for the following weekend in their usual table. He made a note to pick up a present, anything from Coach would do, and then reached for the chart that the nurses had left on his desk, preparing him for his days appointment.

And as he flipped the chart open, the smiling face of the blonde coffee girl flashed through his mind, and he couldn't help but smile at the thought that maybe, just maybe, he would stop in the coffee shop tomorrow morning.

XXXXX

"Addison?" he called as he closed the door to their house later that evening. "You home?"

"Hi," she smiled as she came out of the kitchen a few moments later, her hair slightly messy. She smiled as she leaned forward to press a kiss to his cheek, her hand on his arm. "How was your day?"

"Good," he said as he flipped through the mail. He glanced over at her, stopping to look closely as he took in her slightly scattered appearance, not usual for her usually perfect appearance. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she said, her hands going to tug at the hem of her blouse. "I was just helping Mark fix the sink."

Derek blinked in surprise. "You helped Mark fix something?" he asked.

"Yeah," she shrugged. "You kept saying that you would do it, but he stopped by to see if he left his leather jacket here, and I was trying to fix it, so…he helped."

"Oh," Derek nodded. "Well, good."

"Are you hungry?" she asked after a long moment. "I wasn't sure when you would be home, but I was going to heat up some steaks."

"That sounds perfect," he smiled, squeezing her hand. "I'm just going to run upstairs and shower, then I'll be down to help if you want."

"Okay," Addison nodded slowly. "Derek?"

"Yeah?" he turned to look at her from halfway up the stairs.

"I'm really glad that you're home for dinner tonight," she said softly.

Derek nodded, offering her a smile that he desperately wished wasn't forced. "Me too," he said, trying to ignore the part of him that was telling him that he was lying.

She smiled widely before turning to walk back into the kitchen. Derek made his way upstairs, quickly stripping out of his clothes and turning on the shower, still wondering about the coffee girl that had been lingering in his head all day. And as he wondered what her name was, what her story was, he couldn't hear the sounds of his wife's giggles mixing in with his best friend's hearty laughter that was drifting out of the kitchen.

XXXXX

The alarm went off much to early the next morning, and he sighed as he pulled himself out of bed, moving towards the bathroom as Addison stirred in bed. He showered and dressed quickly, offering her a smile as she finally sat up in bed. "Morning."

"Morning," she said softly. "You went to bed early last night."

"I have a long day ahead of me," he shrugged. "Two surgeries, a couple consults…you know how it is."

"Yeah," Addison nodded slowly. "I just…I was hoping that we would get a chance to talk or something."

"Oh," Derek nodded. "Well, how about tonight? I'll take you out to dinner, we can talk and spend the evening together."

"Really?" Addison's eyes lit up.

"Really," he nodded.

"Okay," she giggled. "And I'll see if I can get some last minute ballet tickets. To that show we went to with Savvy and Weiss last year, we loved that."

"Yeah," Derek said with a tight smile. "We did."

"Thank you Derek," she said as she jumped out of bed, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. "I love you."

"I love you too," he said automatically.

"So I know you have surgery, but do you have time for breakfast?" she asked, reaching for her robe.

"I was just going to grab something quick on the way," he said, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "I'll see you tonight, Addie. I'll make reservations for seven?"

"Perfect," she smiled. "Have a good day."

"You too," Addison said, and he was aware of her eyes on him as he walked down the hall towards the stairs.

He was an awful husband. A terrible awful husband who was taking his wife out for dinner to a place where he hated the food and a show that he had fallen asleep during two times already. And he was an even worse husband for rejecting breakfast with his wife in favor of going to the small coffee shop on the corner in hopes of running into the coffee girl whose name he didn't even know.

But not going didn't seem like an option.

He walked into the coffee shop, looking around eagerly for a moment, disappoint falling over him as he realized that she wasn't there. He stood still for a moment before he shook his head and moved to stand in line, deciding that this must be a sign. A sign that he shouldn't have been completely enamored by a perfect stranger that and should start paying more attention to his wife.

"So you decided to take the bait?"

Her voice came from behind him, and he turned to see her, looking completely perfect in jeans and a purple sweater that hugged her in all the right places.

"Maybe I just like the coffee," he flirted, or he hoped he flirted. He hadn't hit on a woman since his first year in medical school when he'd met Addison at a party.

"Somehow I don't believe you," she giggled as she stepped into line beside him.

"So do I get to know your name yet?" he asked.

"Maybe," she shrugged.

"Is there a magic word?" he asked, tilting his head to the side as he looked at her.

"We'll see where we are after we have coffee," she shrugged.

"You…you're staying today?" he asked.

"For awhile," she nodded. "Can you?"

Derek sighed as he looked down at his watch. He had about an hour and a half before his first surgery, he could spare a little time. "I can," he nodded.

"Good," she said, following him to a small table in the corner of the shop.

"So," Derek said as he settled in across from her. "Have you spilled coffee on anyone today?"

She giggled slightly, and he couldn't ignore how the sound made his entire body relax. "No I only reserve that for annoying men who are in my way," she said.

"Touche," Derek held up his coffee cup in surrender.

"So," the coffee girl said as she took a sip. "Did you come here because I told you I'd be here?"

"Maybe," Derek said coyly. "But maybe it's just close to my office and the coffee is good."

"I think you came here for me."

"And why do you think that?"

She smiled as she leaned forward. "Because yesterday was the first time I was ever here," she whispered loudly.

"And you came back because?" he prompted.

She shrugged as she leaned back into her chair. "The other customers are very friendly."

"Right," Derek nodded slowly. "So what's your story?"

"I don't have a story," she shook her head. "Just me."

"And you are…"

"Not telling you my name yet."

He let out a sigh of frustration. "You're very infuriating," he informed her.

"And yet you came back to find out more about me."

"Like I said, maybe it's the coffee," Derek countered.

"You're kind of annoying too."

"You have to get to know me to love me." He had no idea where those words came from. He was definitely flirting now, and he was trying to ignore the fact that he was wondering what it would be like to have the coffee girl love him.

"So saying if I know you I'll love you?" she raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

"Exactly."

"Wow, you really like yourself, don't you?" she asked.

"It's part of my charm," he said, offering her a warm smile.

She smiled at him for a moment, their eyes holding on the other's gaze. He breathed her in for a moment, loving the way her sweater hugged her body. "So I have to go," she said, reaching for her coat. "Will you be in the mood for coffee tomorrow?"

"Most likely." He wanted to keep her interested. "I have to go too."

She offered him a smile as they walked towards the door, and he moved towards the direction of his office. "I'm this way."

"Me too," she said, falling into step beside him.

"Where are you headed?" he asked, hoping to find out any other morsel of information about this girl that he could.

"Uptown."

Derek fought the urge to roll his eyes. This girl was completely frustrating and he should end it before anything started. But she was a constant mystery, one that he wasn't going to give up until he found some real answers.

"Well, this is me," he said, stopping in front of the medical complex.

She glanced up at the building before she asked, "You have an appointment?"

"Something like that." He liked being able to return some of the mystery.

"Let me guess…you're in the neurology office."

His jaw dropped in shock. "How did you know that?"

She giggled as she handed him a piece of paper. "This fell out of your pocket yesterday," she said, backing away from him with a smile playing on her lips. "Have a good day, Dr. Shepherd."

He watched in fascination as she walked away, their gaze separating after several moments when a group of people came between them. He looked down at the paper in his hands as he walked into the lobby of the complex. His business card. He shook his head, smiling softly as he turned the card over, his eyes widening when he saw one simple word scribbled on the back.

_Meredith._

Meredith. He tested the word around in his head as her image flooded his mind again, and he nodded. Meredith. She was Meredith, and her name completely suited her.

Meredith. She had a name.

"Who the hell was that?"

Derek turned to look at his best friend, approaching the elevators from behind him.

"Who was who?" he asked.

"That girl you were eye sexing outside," Mark replied. "You're married, Shep."

"I know that," Derek rolled his eyes, although he'd spent the past hour desperately wishing that he wasn't married. He would already have asked Meredith out. "I wasn't eye sexing her."

"It looked like you were," Mark argued. "What about Addison?"

"Addison's my wife, Mark," Derek sighed. "And I'm not eye sexing anyone. Not that you would understand that concept."

"Hey, I'm just trying to protect my friend," Mark shrugged. "She doesn't deserve a husband who flirts with other girls."

"I wasn't flirting with anyone," Derek said, hoping his voice sounded confident enough in that statement.

"Well the who was she?" Mark asked.

Derek smiled as he looked down at the business card in his hands. "Meredith," he said softly. "She's Meredith."


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith smiled as she let herself into her apartment after class, her mind still wrapped around her experience in the coffee shop that morning. She never flirted with guys like that, but there was something different about him. He was….nice or something. And safe, which she knew was ridiculous.

Dr. Derek Shepherd.

The man was attractive. She had thought that from the moment she'd spilled her coffee all over him, but she wanted to lead him on. There was something about him that was completely loved to tease him. And the way he tried to flirt with her…it was completely adorable.

"Mer?" Lexie's voice came from the kitchen, and a moment later she appeared. "How was your test?"

Meredith shrugged as she dropped onto the couch. "Fine I guess," she said. "It was a test."

"Fine you guess?" Lexie frowned, standing over her sister. "How is a test fine? You're in med school."

"It wasn't hard," Meredith shrugged. "But…there are more important things on my mind."

"More important things?" Lexie frowned. "What's more important than a test in one of your last med school classes?"

"Just…things," Meredith shrugged.

Lexie stared at her sister for a moment before she narrowed her eyes. "You met a guy!" she cried.

"What?" Meredith asked, sitting up quickly. "No I didn't! Why would you…I don't meet guys. I sleep with guys."

"Usually on test days you wear sweats," Lexie observed. "You're wearing your tight jeans and the purple sweater. Your hair's straight, and…are you wearing mascara? I've never seen you wear make up before!"

"I didn't meet anyone," Meredith said, standing and moving towards her bedroom. "Maybe I just wanted to dress up for my test."

"You never dress up," Lexie said firmly as she followed her sister into her room. "Who is he?"

"There is no he!" Meredith insisted.

"I don't believe you," Lexie said, collapsing on the bed and staring up at Meredith. "Does he go to Columbia med school?"

"No."

"Ha!" Lexie cried. "I knew you met someone!"

"It's times like these I really wish that you went to Harvard med," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"You'd miss me," Lexie said as she rolled off of the bed, following Meredith into the kitchen. "What color hair does he have?"

"Purple."

"Okay, now you're just being mean," Lexie frowned. "Why won't you tell me about him."

"Because there's nothing to tell!"

Lexie slammed the fridge closed and looked at Meredith closely, not saying a word as she waited patiently, holding her gaze evenly.

"Fine," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Yes!" Lexie squealed, pulling Meredith back into the living room and sitting on the couch. "Okay go."

"I spilled coffee on a guy."

Lexie's smile slowly disappeared, and a confused expression took over her face. "You spilled coffee on a guy?" she repeated.

"Yeah."

"And?"

"And nothing," Meredith shrugged. "He bought me a coffee for the one I'd lost and I bought him one to apologize. And we had coffee this morning for like half an hour. That's it."

"That's it?" Lexie frowned.

"That's it," Meredith said. "I told you it's nothing."

"But you got all dressed up for him," Lexie shrugged. "That's not nothing, even if you won't admit it."

Meredith shrugged. "I just…I don't know. He was nice. I don't have a lot of experience with nice guys."

"Oh Mer," Lexie sighed. "I hate what Dad to you. He was such a good dad, but I wish you could have gotten that experience too."

Meredith shrugged as she looked down at her hands. "I got over that a long time ago, Lexie."

"You still don't talk to him," Lexie said.

"I don't need to," Meredith shrugged. "Or want to. We didn't have the same dad, Lexie. You know that."

Lexie shook her head slightly. "Whatever," she said. "Let's get back to coffee guy. Where were you?"

"Uptown," Meredith shrugged.

"Uptown?" Lexie asked. "Your test was downtown."

"I know," Meredith shrugged. "But…I wanted to see if he would show up again after yesterday."

"You so like him!" Lexie giggled. "Mer, this is so exciting! You're actually going out with a guy!"

"It's not exciting," Meredith sighed. "It just…is what it is. I'm not going out with him yet."

"Why don't you ever get excited about anything?" Lexie asked. "It's kind of depressing."

"Because when I get excited about things they explode in my face," Meredith replied. "I'd rather not get excited until I know things about him and I know that things are real with us."

"You don't know anything about him?" Lexie asked. "You're this excited about a guy and you don't even know him?"

"He's a doctor," Meredith offered. "His name's Derek. I don't…that's it. That's all I know."

"Oh," Lexie nodded carefully. "So…are you going to go back tomorrow? Are you meeting him?"

"Is it bad that I want to?" Meredith whispered.

"Of course not," Lexie smiled softly. "It's about time that you had some romance in your life."

"This isn't romance," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"But it could turn into romance," Lexie insisted. "You have to go. You have to see him again."

"Lexie," Meredith sighed. "This is why I didn't want to find out about this. I don't know if I want to go."

"You have to," Lexie insisted.

"It's my life, Lexie," Meredith said. "And as much as I'd like to know about him, there's something…off about him."

"Off?" Lexie asked.

"Yeah," Meredith shrugged. "Like he's not completely happy or something. His eyes are sad."

"He's probably just waiting for you," Lexie smiled.

Meredith rolled her eyes as she pushed herself off of the couch. "I need a new roommate," she muttered under her breath.

XXXXX

She was stupid.

That was all that she could think as she sat in the corner of their coffee shop the next morning. She was completely and totally stupid as she cupped the delicious beverage in her hands, trying to wonder why he wasn't here.

She never did this. She wasn't the type of girl who jumped at the chance to make the hot doctor fall for her. She was usually the one to sleep with a guy and kick him out of her bed before he got too comfortable. She never flirted or ked guys on, but it was easy. With Derek it was easy.

But he hadn't come.

She shook her head at her disappointment. He was a doctor. A real doctor, in a private practice, who didn't have time to spend time in a crappy coffee shop every morning talking to a med school student. She had no reason to be disappointed, but that didn't mean that she wasn't completely and totally disappointed. And angry. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't have told her that to begin with, why he had led her on for the past two days.

She sighed as she downed the rest of her cup, standing and making her way towards the door, freezing when she saw him push the door open.

He looked good, as usual. The trench coat was a little much, but his hair was pretty much perfect, his chiseled features handsome in the dingy light of the coffee shop. She swallowed hard as his eyes met hers, and she stepped closer to him. "Um…hi," she said.

"Meredith," he greeted, a tiny smirk playing on his lips. "Very clever with the business card."

"I thought so," she smiled.

"Are you staying?" he asked.

"I already drank my coffee," she said.

"Oh," he said. "We…can we talk for a minute anyways?"

She looked at him closely, taking in the sadness in his eyes. He had nice eyes, but there was definitely something there that kept them from sparkling as much as they could. And now he wanted to talk to her when he barely knew her. "Sure," she nodded, gesturing back to the table where she had been sitting.

He sighed as he sat down across from her, looking at the ceiling for a moment. "I'm not sure what to say," he finally admitted.

She felt herself suck in a breath. This had to be bad. Really bad.

"I can't do this."

She tilted her head to the side. "Do what?" she asked.

"This," Derek sighed, gesturing between the two of them. "I just…can't."

"Oh," she nodded softly, looking down at her hands where they were resting in her lap. "I…okay."

"I'm sorry," he said. "And I don't know what you were expecting from me, but I can't do it. And maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I just wanted to tell you that before you got the wrong impression."

It was a little late for that, but he didn't need to know that. She took a deep breath before she looked up to meet his eyes, offering him a sly smile. "It's your loss," she said, moving to stand.

"If things were different," he murmured. "God, if I'd met you twelve years ago, things would be so different."

She froze, her curiosity sparked and she dropped back into her seat. "What happened twelve years ago?" she asked.

He sighed as he brought his hands together in front of him. "That's when I met my wife," he almost whispered.

"Oh," Meredith breathed, her eyes flickering to his left hand and widening when she saw the gold band there. She wasn't sure how she hadn't noticed it before. "I…I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Derek shook his head. "You didn't know. And I shouldn't have led you on."

She nodded slowly. "Okay," she said. "I guess…this is goodbye then."

"It kind of has to be," Derek said with a sympathetic smile.

"Okay," she repeated, staring down at her feet. "I have to get to my clinicals anyway, so…"

"Clinicals?" Derek raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," she said, wishing that he would just let her go. "I'm in med school. Columbia."

Derek smiled as he stood. "Class of ninety three," he said proudly.

"Really?" she asked.

"New York born and raised," Derek said. "If you ever need anything…referrals, job openings, let me know."

She smiled as she shook her head slightly. "Thanks," she said as she turned to walk out of the shop. She held her head high until she was sure that she was out of his vision, then ducked into the nearest store, quickly making her way to the bathroom where she locked herself in a stall and sank to the floor, wondering exactly how she had gotten screwed over. Again.

XXXXX

"Meredith!" Lexie's voice came from the kitchen as soon as she opened the door to their apartment later that afternoon. "How was it? Was he there? Did he ask you out?"

"He's married," Meredith announced, not stopping as she walked past her sister into her bedroom.

"Married?" Lexie frowned.

"Yes, married," Meredith sighed. "So it doesn't matter."

"I'm sorry, Mer," Lexie said softly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Meredith said.

"You're always fine," Lexie said. "That's why you never let yourself have a real relationship."

"Lexie," Meredith rolled her eyes. "Not now."

"Sorry," Lexie sighed. She squeezed Meredith's hand before she turned towards the door, closing it gently behind her.

Meredith sighed as she collapsed onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling for a long moment. She couldn't believe what had happened, that this thing with Derek had ended before it had even started. She knew she was naïve, but she had really thought that she might be able to really have an adult relationship for the first time in her life.

But he was married, and nothing was going to happen between them ever again. She knew it was stupid to be mourning the loss of a relationship that she had never had, but she was. And she didn't know why.

With a sigh, she reached over to her dresser, looking at the information from his business card that she had copied down. Derek Shepherd, of Shepherd and Scott neurology. His phone number and office address were printed on the bottom, and she positioned her hands to rip the paper. A tiny tear in the top was even made before she stopped herself, moving to place the paper in her nightstand table, wondering if maybe she could use it someday.

And then she curled up in bed, squeezing her eyes closed as she tried to fight off the thoughts of what could have been.

It wasn't until the next Sunday that she was finally able to go for an entire day without thinking about him. Between arguing with Lexie about whether she should have dinner with their dad while he was there and preparing for her next round of clinicals, she was completely distracted from spending any time thinking about Derek Shepherd. By Monday, she was sure that she was completely over it.

Until she arrived in her meeting to prepare for the neurology clinicals in the coming weeks. She doodled in her notebook as the coordinator went on and on about hospital protocol, how they weren't allowed to speak to patients or doctors, and went through the rules she had already heard hundreds of times before. But then something caught her attention.

"And we have quite an unusual opportunity for a few select students this year. A private neurology practice uptown has offered to allow five students to rotate through in their clinicals so that you can all get a glimpse of what private practice is like. It's a very rare opportunity, but I contacted one of my former students who is a partner there, and he was very excited about the idea. He's here to talk briefly about some of the differences between working in a hospital and a private practice, so I'm going to hand it over to Dr. Derek Shepherd."

Meredith's head snapped up as she saw him standing from the front row of the lecture hall, shuffling some papers behind the podium before he looked out over the class and began speaking. His words were completely lost on her as she lowered herself as far down as she could in her chair, desperately wishing that she would disappear into the ground. This was bad, so completely bad, and if this would end in the next moment it wouldn't be soon enough.

"Meredith Grey?"

Her head snapped up at the sound of her name, and she saw Derek Shepherd looking through the audience, waiting for someone to respond to his call.

"Meredith Grey?" he repeated, frowning slightly, and her professor turned to look at the class, obviously searching for her. She took a deep breath before she sat up straighter in her chair, tentatively raising her hand. Derek's eyes widened slightly, and he nodded. "If I could see the five of you when class is over, that would be wonderful," he said, nodding to the professor before he moved back to sit in the first row of the lecture hall.

Meredith buried her face in her hands as the professor asked for questions. She hated her life. She really hated her life. She wasn't sure what she had done to deserve this horrible and awful karma, but right now she really hated everything about her life.

There was a bustle of activity as everyone closed their notebooks and shoved them into their backpacks, moving towards the door. She slowly stood, clutching her notebook to her chest as a protective measure, using it as a shield as she approached the front of the classroom where Derek was speaking with her professor.

"Dr. Shepherd," she murmured. "It's nice to meet you."

"And you, Miss Grey," he said softly. He cleared his throat before he handed her a piece of paper. "This is the schedule we've drafted for the rotation between the five of you in the practice. Our address and contact information is on there as well. Do you have any questions?"

Meredith shook her head silently. "No," she said. "I don't."

"Good," Derek nodded, his eyes meeting hers. "So I'll see you…"

"Tomorrow," Meredith nodded with a sigh. "Of course."

Derek looked at her closely for a moment before someone called his name, forcing his attention away from her. She took the moment to her advantage and quickly moved towards the door, ducking into the next empty classroom and sinking onto the floor. This was horrible.

She couldn't believe that this was her luck. Tomorrow she had to work with the man that she had thought that she could actually date, a man that had completely led her on before he'd told her that nothing could happen because he was married. And now she had to learn from him, he was going to be her teacher, and he was going to evaluate her on her performance.

She tried to swallow the tears that were threatening to fall. She knew she shouldn't be this upset, but there was some kind of huge loss filling her heart as she felt the sobs start to wrack her body. She allowed herself to cry for a few minutes, until she was out of tears. Only then did she allow herself to take a deep breath and stand, straightening her hair and clothes before she slid out the door, looking up and down the hallway. She could see Derek step out of the lecture hall and she quickly moved back into the classroom, waiting for a long moment before she was positive that he was gone. She moved towards the exit of the building, looking down at the ground, hoping that she wouldn't run into him again.

She felt a deep sense of dread wash over her as she crashed into a very strong male body. She closed her eyes tightly, praying above all else that she wouldn't look up to meet Derek Shepherd's eyes.

She swallowed hard as she lifted her head, looking into a pair of deep blue eyes, blond hair framing his chiseled face. "I…sorry," she breathed.

"It was my fault," he said, offering her a bright smile.

"Oh," she said. "Right, well…um yeah. Have a good day or whatever."

"Wait," he said, reaching out to grab her arm. "Do you want to grab a drink?"

She regarded him closely for a moment before she nodded. "Yeah," she nodded. "I could definitely use a drink."

**Thanks for all your reviews! I'm glad to know that people are excited about this story. I'm trying to challenge myself with this story, so I really appreciate any suggestions and opinions you have about the story. Please let me know what you like about the story, as well as any (constructive) suggestions for improvement. Thanks so much for reading :)**


	3. Chapter 3

If there was one thing in the world that Addison Montgomery Shepherd hated, it was doing laundry.

She didn't mind other things. Cleaning, vacuuming, even cooking weren't that bad. But laundry was the worst of the worst, and she completely hated it. So when she returned from work after losing a baby in a first time mom's c-section, she had been more than angry when she'd realized that her husband had neglected to do the laundry on his day off like she had requested.

Addison was not a stupid woman. No matter what Derek had thought of her over the past couple years, she was not stupid, and definitely not shallow. She wasn't sure when it had happened, but at some point he had stopped looking at her the way he had when they had first been married, he'd stopped holding her hand just because he could and stopped seeing her.

That was why she had started shopping. Coach bags, Pradha shoes, fancy living room sets….she bought them all just to fill the void in her life that was left when Derek had drifted away from her.

She'd spent a lot of time over the past few months trying to decide what had happened. She knew that she had lost focus on her marriage when she'd first started her residency in the practice that she loved. But when she had finally had the energy to start fixing things, Derek had disappeared.

He was still there, doing everything she asked of him. Or almost everything, she thought as she shoved a load of darks into the washing machine. But even though he was physically there…he wasn't there for her. When she told him she wanted to spend time with him, he automatically took her out to dinner and ordered a bottle of her favorite wine, but he never simply sat up with her in bed and talked the way they had when they were first married. And for the past three years, her birthday celebration, his birthday celebration, and their anniversary celebration had been the same. She'd been stupid to think that he would do something other than plan dinner and a show for her birthday the coming weekend. When he'd told her about the plans he had made, she'd been strangely disappointed. But she knew she shouldn't have been, because it was the same as everything else he'd done for her in the past.

Everything was the same. Everything was always the same, and the only thing that brought her any kind of excitement in her life was Mark Sloan, her husband's best friend, his brother.

She shook her head slightly as she thought about Derek's best friend, the man who had been the best man at their wedding. She wasn't sure when it had happened, or how, but sometime in the past six months she was sure that Mark had become the best part of her life.

She felt more than a little guilty about that fact. The first night that they had spent together had been when Derek had been away on a conference, and they'd sworn that it would never happen again. They had both felt extreme amounts of guilt, both of them cheating on a man that was very important to them. But then Derek had called one night telling her that he had to cancel the one night that he had actually agreed to stay home, cook her dinner and talk. So she drank an entire bottle of wine before she'd called Mark and told him how much she wanted to talk.

He had been there in less than fifteen minutes.

It wasn't that she loved Mark more than Derek, or that she really loved him at all. But he was there. He was there and Derek wasn't, and that's why she couldn't stop herself from seeing him.

Addison froze as she reached into Derek's pocket, pulling out a business card with a woman's name scribbled across the back. Meredith. She dropped the pants to the ground, reaching for the washing machine for balance as she felt realization coming over her. Derek was sleeping with someone else.

She knew that she didn't really have a reason to be angry. She had been sleeping with Derek's best friend, the man that Derek had seen as a brother since kindergarten. She had no reason to feel betrayed or sick to her stomach, but she did. And now she had no idea how to confront her husband, or tell him what she had been doing with Mark, even if he was cheating on her.

The front door opened and closed, and she heard him moving around in the front hall. He didn't even care if she was home or not. She took a deep breath, wiping the tears from her eyes before she moved into the hallway, leaning against the doorway to the laundry room.

"Who's Meredith?" she asked evenly.

Derek looked up in surprise, obviously not having noticed her enter the room. He never noticed her. "Addie, I didn't realize you were home," he said distractedly. "How was your day?"

"I'm home," she nodded. "And I'm doing the laundry that I asked you to do this morning. The laundry that you didn't do."

"I had to run to Columbia to talk to the med students doing their clinicals with me," Derek shrugged. "I was going to do it when I got home."

"Whatever," Addison said, holding the business card out to him. "Who's Meredith?"

Derek took the card, hesitating for a moment too long before he said, "She's one of the students working with me. I met her a couple days ago, and she wrote down her name on my card."

"Are you sleeping with her?" Addison demanded.

"What?" Derek frowned, stepping closer to her. "Addie…of course not."

She regarded him closely for a moment, trying to decide if she believed him or not. After a long moment of looking deeply into his eyes, she knew that he was telling her the truth. If there was one thing Derek Shepherd was, it was honest, and she truly believed that he hadn't cheated on her. "I'm sorry," she said, shoving the guilt of sleeping with Mark down. "I guess…I'm just PMSing or something."

Derek sighed as he tentatively reached for her hand. "I would never cheat on you, Addison," he said softly. "You know that."

"I used to know that," she whispered. "But lately…."

"Things have been off," Derek nodded. "I know."

"I just wasn't sure," she said softly. "You…you treat me like I'm a child, Derek. Like when I'm not happy you can distract me with pretty handbags or a fancy Broadway show. But that's not what I want. I want you."

She hadn't planned on rambling her entire thoughts about their relationship out into him, but she had. And now she was staring at him closely, waiting impatiently for him to do something. To take her into his arms, to promise her that they would work something out, anything to give her some positive feedback about their life and future together. She waited for some kind of reaction from him, any reaction at all, but he didn't react at all. The room was completely silent for a painfully long moment before he finally opened his mouth to speak.

"Addison, I…" he stared down at her for a moment, his gaze pained and confused. "I don't know what happened to us," he finally admitted.

Addison swallowed hard, trying to hide her tears as she stared down at her feet. She wasn't quite sure how to fix something that she wasn't sure exactly how it had broken. Or how eager her husband was to fix it. "Do you think we can fix it?" she whispered.

"I hope so," Derek said softly, and she wondered briefly if he was telling her the truth.

"Do you want to…maybe open some wine and talk?" she whispered.

Before Derek could respond, his pager went off and he reached for it off the cell phone. "It's my patient," he sighed. "He's at the ER, they want me to look at his scans."

"Derek," she frowned, stepping closer to him. "They know what they're doing at the OR, they don't need you down there right away."

"They might," Derek sighed as he reached for his coat.

"Is this the one with the concussion?" she frowned. "The one who didn't even need surgery?"

"Addison, I have to go," he said, reaching for the door handle.

"Derek," she pleaded, reaching out to grab his arm. "If you leave right now, where does that leave us?"

Derek swallowed hard as he looked down at her, and for a moment she could have sworn that she saw tears in his eyes. But then, just as quickly as they had come they were gone, and he shook his head. "I don't know," he said. And then he was gone, the lock on the door clicking neatly behind him.

And she was alone. Just like always.

She finally allowed the tears to spill over her cheeks as she reached for her phone, quickly dialing her most dialed number.

"Mark?" she asked weakly through her tears. "I need you."

XXXXX

"Okay….I'll be right there."

Meredith frowned as she looked at Mark closely, noting the apprehension that had taken over his face since he had received the phone call. He'd been completely smooth all night, charming her with cheesy pick up lines that she had first rolled her eyes at. But now, with several shots of tequila downed, she had eagerly been looking forward to spending the night with Mark Sloan. Until he'd received this mysterious phone call and completely ignored her as he took it.

"I'm really sorry," he breathed as soon as he hung up. "Family emergency, I have to go."

"Oh," Meredith sighed, looking down at the table. "Okay."

"Can I see you again?" he asked. "My…my sister in law's birthday is Saturday. My brother has reservations for us, would you be interested in coming?"

Meredith stared at him in surprise for a moment, debating whether she should do the family thing and the date thing. But before she could really make up her mind, she could hear herself saying, "Yeah, that would be nice."

"Great," Mark smiling, handing her a card. "Here's my number. Give me a call tomorrow and we'll figure out the details. I'll see you Saturday night."

"Saturday," Meredith nodded. "Perfect."

"Great," Mark nodded, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek before he moved quickly out of the bar.

"Do you want me to call you a cab?"

Meredith turned to look at the bar tender, offering him a small smile as she pushed her shot glass forward. "Not yet," she shook her head. "I'm going to need a lot more to drink."

He offered her a sympathetic smile as she downed another shot, trying to ignore the feeling of abandonment as yet another man left her sitting alone in the bar.

And she drank even more to chase the image of Derek Shepherd out of her mind.

XXXXX

"I can't believe he's late!" Addison exclaimed, pacing the lobby of one of the nicest restaurants in New York that Saturday night. "What could possibly be so urgent that he's not even answering his phone? I know that he's not in surgery!"

"I don't know, Addie," Mark sighed, glancing down at his cell phone.

"Are you calling him again?" she demanded, stopping in front of his seat to glare down at him. "Call him again and tell him that he has to be here now. It's my birthday, Mark, my birthday! The least he can do is show up to the lame dinner he planned that isn't any different from anything else he's ever done for me!"

"You might want to keep down on the…" Mark's voice trailed off as his eyes landed on the door, and he stood slowly. Addison turned, ready to light into her husband. She was surprised, however, to see a petite girl with blondish brown hair walking towards them, smiling at Mark.

"Um, hi," she greeted him carefully.

"Hey," Mark smiled warmly down at her, and Addison tried to suppress the jealousy that lit inside of her as he leaned down at kiss her cheek. "It's good to see you again."

"You too," she smiled.

"This is my, um…my sister in law Addison," Mark said, gesturing to her.

Addison smiled tightly as she reached out to shake the girl's hand. She hated the way that Mark referred to her, but she knew it was true. That was how it was supposed to be. Mark was the closest thing that Derek had to a brother, and that made her his sister in law, even if they were sneaking around behind her husband's back.

"Nice to meet you Addison," the girl smiled.

"You too," she said politely, trailing off as she waited for a name to connect with the face.

"Meredith," she supplied. "Happy birthday."

"Thanks," Addison sighed, glancing at Mark who was staring at the ceiling. She thought for a moment, trying to remember where she had heard the name Meredith before, finally giving up and shaking her head. "Well, there's no sense in waiting. We'll just get our table, and if he shows up, he shows up."

Mark nodded, and stepped forward to the hostess, who escorted them to their usual table, the table that Derek had proposed at so many years ago. And as she settled down at the table, she felt the way Mark's eyes were roaming over Meredith's frame, and suddenly a sense of fear washed over her. Derek had already stopped caring about her. Mark made her feel special, he made her feel wanted, but if he were to find someone else, someone he was allowed to be with, then she couldn't stop him. She only hoped that it wouldn't happen, because then she would be completely alone. Married, but completely alone.

"So where's your brother?" Meredith asked Mark politely.

Addison rolled her eyes. "My money is on the fact that he forgot until he looked down at his planner, and had to run out at the last moment to buy a gift," she said. "This year… I'm predicting a Burberry scarf."

An awkward silence fell over the table, which Mark filled after a moment. "Derek was supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago," he said.

"Derek?" Meredith repeated, and Addison looked up when she heard the panic in her voice. Suddenly, her name clicked. Meredith. That had been the name written on the back of the business card in Derek's pocket. The girl that she'd assumed he was sleeping with, even though he'd sworn that he wasn't.

"Do you know my husband?" he demanded.

"Addie," Mark warned, taking in Meredith's expression of fear and confusion.

Before anyone could say anything else, a familiar voice came to the table. "Sorry I'm late," Derek announced, dropping a gift bag on the table in front of Addison, pressing a kiss to her cheek before he dropped into the empty seat beside her. "What did I…" his voice trailed off as he set eyes on Meredith, his expression changing into one of surprise. "Miss Grey," he said after an awkward moment of silence.

"Dr. Shepherd," she murmured, her face bright red as she stared at the table.

"You two know each other?" Mark frowned.

Derek cleared his throat and Addison looked at him suspiciously. There was something that he wasn't telling her.

"Miss Grey is one of the students doing her clinicals in my practice," Derek explained, his eyes trained on the top of Meredith's head.

"I didn't…" Meredith shook her head slightly before she turned to Mark. "Sloan. You said your last name is Sloan, but his is Shepherd. How is he your brother?"

"He's not actually my brother," Mark explained. "I spent my entire childhood with him, his mom practically raise me."

"Did her best anyway," Derek laughed slightly.

"I'm sorry," Meredith said softly, and Addison fought not to roll her eyes. This girl was a complete mess. "I didn't realize…if it's too awkward, I can leave. Because you're my boss or my teacher or something, and I didn't know that I would be eating dinner with you, so…I can leave if you want."

"No!" Mark and Derek's voices mixed together, and Addison turned to look at her husband carefully, not missing the desperation in his voice. Mark glanced in his direction too before he turned to Meredith.

"You don't have to go," he said. "I know you're going to be observing him, but he can keep a neutral opinion, can't you, Shep?"

"Of course," Derek nodded, reaching for his drink and taking a long swig. "Please stay."

"Thank you," Meredith said, offering Derek a smile before she took her seat beside Mark again.

Addison sighed as she looked down to study the menu she already knew by heart. This was definitely not how she wanted to spend her birthday, with both her husband and her lover seemingly drooling over some young med school student. This was completely inappropriate, but she couldn't help but notice the fascination that took over her husband's face as he stole a glance at the girl sitting to his left.

Two hours later, she was sure that she was ready to kill someone. She sat, her dessert plate half finished in front of her and arms crossed over her chest as she watched Derek laugh with Meredith, laugh in a way that she hadn't heard in years.

"You're kidding," she giggled. "He actually put your frog in the microwave?"

"Believe me, my sisters were not happy when they decided to have popcorn for an after school snack," Derek laughed along with her.

"I'm going to be sick to my stomach," Mark muttered into Addison's ear.

"I don't get it," Addison frowned, watching as Derek continued to talk to Meredith, his hands waving all over the place as he talked to her about something that was obviously incredibly funny, at least from the way the slutty med school student was giggling and throwing herself all over her husband. "What is it about her?"

"I have no idea," Mark sighed, running a hand over the back of his neck.

"You brought her here," Addison snapped.

"Because I didn't want Derek to get suspicious," Mark insisted. "You know how I feel, Addie."

She rolled her eyes as she reached for her bag. "Not now Mark," she said. "Derek and I are going to go."

"You really think that Derek's ready to go?" Mark asked.

"He will be," Addison said, leaning over to wrap an arm around her husband's shoulders, resting her head on his right shoulder. She tried to ignore the way he tensed under her touch and the way Meredith's giggled died on her lips. "You ready to go?" she murmured softly in his ear.

"Already?" Derek frowned.

"We finished dessert half an hour ago," Addison said. "And…there may be some extra dessert waiting for you at home."

Derek paused for a moment before he turned his head to look at her. "You go ahead," he said. "I'll pay the bill, wait until Mark and Meredith are ready to leave."

"Oh," Addison frowned, pulling away from him slightly. "Okay."

"Derek, you don't have to…" Meredith started, but Derek shook his head.

"I want to," he said, turning to look at Addison. "I'll be home soon. Happy birthday, Addie."

She stared down at him for a moment before she nodded. After whispering a quick goodnight, she made her way to the door of the restaurant as quickly as she could without making a scene, hailed a cab, and climbed into the backseat before she buried her face in her hands, allowing herself to sob quietly until she reached her brownstone.

She froze when she slid out of the cab, her eyes landing on Mark Sloan as he sat patiently on the front step. "How the hell did you get here?" she asked.

"Paid the cabbie extra to take the short cut," Mark shrugged. "Are you okay?"

"I…" Addison shook her head slightly, wiping any remaining tears from her eyes. "I honestly don't know."

"Addie," he breathed, reaching to take her into his arms. "Come here."

"Not here," she sighed, moving to unlock the door. "Were they…"

"They were still there," Mark said softly. "Addison, I am so sorry. I had no idea when I invited her."

"It's not your fault," she said, dropping her keys on the table and shrugging out of her coat.

"Do you need anything?" Mark asked, reaching out to rub her arm.

Addison swallowed hard as she moved into his arms, reaching up to kiss him passionately. "You," she whispered. "I just need you."

Mark didn't say anything as he returned the kiss, guiding her towards the stairs. They continued kissing, and Addison dragged him into her bedroom, shoving him onto the bed and reaching for the buttons on her blouse, biting her lower lip as she undressed for him, trying to ignore the fact that that stupid med school student was probably doing the same thing for her husband at that very moment.

But then she was naked, and she watched as Mark quickly shed his clothes as well. He returned to the bed, cradling her carefully as he kissed her, the way that always made her feel special and loved. And then he was slipping inside of her, making her forget everything besides the primal need for pleasure as she arched her hips to meet his.

Mark was as an amazing lover as always, but there was something different about tonight. Something that made her feel that her marriage wasn't even worth saving, and that she could do this without feeling guilty. After it was over, Mark pulled her into his arms and whispered that he loved her, just like he always did. And for the first time, she said the words back to him without feeling any guilt at all.

**Wow, I was so thrilled to see so many amazing reviews! Thank you so much to all of you who took the time to leave me very helpful comments, I really appreciate it. I love you all, and I hope you are continuing to enjoy the story :)**


	4. Chapter 4

"You really don't have to take me home," Meredith said as she and Derek stepped out of the restaurant.

"I don't mind at all," he said. "I can't believe Mark left without saying anything. He really needs to learn something about dating."

"And you can teach him?" Meredith asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm a very good date, thank you very much," Derek laughed.

"Hmmm," Meredith looked at him closely for a moment before she shook her head.

"What?" he frowned.

"Nothing," she said.

"Meredith," he prompted.

"You're…my mentor or something," she said. "It's none of my business."

"We're friends, Meredith," Derek said. "Before I was your mentor, we were friends."

"We weren't friends," she rolled her eyes. "You were…we were nothing."

"Okay, fine, maybe we didn't get off to the best start," Derek conceded. "But I'd like to be friends with you. I kind of thought we already were."

"You assume a lot, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith smiled, glancing over at him.

"Fine," Derek said. "Maybe I won't tell you all my dirty little secrets."

"You don't have any dirty secrets," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"You don't know that," Derek sighed, trying to ignore his desire to spill his entire life out to her. "What did you want to ask me?"

"I just…" Meredith thought for a moment before she looked at him. "It's your wife's birthday. And you sent her home. By herself."

"Oh," Derek said, staring down at his feet. He knew he was a bad husband, he knew that Addison wasn't happy, but he wasn't sure how to fix it, if he even wanted to fix it. But he hadn't expected Meredith to catch onto that fact, or call him out on it if she did. "I know."

"Are you fighting?" Meredith asked. "Because she seemed pretty annoyed when you were late."

"We're…" Derek shook his head as they stopped on a corner. "Is this your building?"

"Yeah," Meredith nodded. "You don't have to explain anything to me, I was just curious, and if you want to talk…"

"I'll come up," Derek nodded quickly. He wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to happen with Meredith Grey, but for some reason he knew that he wanted to see where she lived, to know as much as he could about her.

"Oh," she nodded. "Okay." She reached into her bag for her keys, and they were silent as they made their way up the stairs. "I live with my sister," she explained. "But she's at her dad's house tonight, so she won't be around."

"Her dad?" Derek raised his eyebrows.

Meredith inhaled sharply. "We have different moms," she said, unlocking the door to an apartment on the end of the hall. "He left me and my mom when I was five. Lexie and I met a couple years ago. He was an amazing dad to her, but he never even tried to contact me until I met her. I still don't talk to him."

"Oh," Derek nodded slowly. He knew about growing up without a father, but for completely different reasons. Meredith's father had left, and his father had been taken; they had had completely different experiences with their loss.

"So…" Meredith sighed as she dropped onto the couch, pulling her legs up under her. "This is my apartment."

"It's nice," Derek nodded, sitting down beside her and looking around the room before he turned back to look at her. "Meredith, I didn't come here to…I don't want to…"

She shook her head, obviously understanding his thoughts without him saying them. "I don't want that either," she said. "You're married, Derek. And as attractive as you are, I'm not going to cross that line. I don't think you want to either."

"I don't," Derek sighed.

"So we can be friends?" Meredith asked.

"Friends," Derek nodded.

"Good," Meredith said. She was silent for a moment before she said, "Derek, married men don't spend their wives' birthdays with their friends."

Derek felt the breath knock out of him, not having expected her honest words to be so hurtful. "I know," he said.

"So why are you here?" Meredith asked gently.

Derek sighed, as he stared up at the ceiling. "I don't think Addison and I are in love anymore." It was the first time he'd ever admitted it, but he felt a strange weight being lifted off of his shoulders. He'd been thinking it for a long time, but now that he'd said it, that it was out there in the universe, he strangely felt better.

"What?" Meredith breathed.

"I don't think we're in love," Derek repeated.

"How can you not be in love with your wife?" Meredith asked.

"We were," Derek said, a soft smile spreading across his face. "In med school and right after we got married, we were so in love. She was so amazing, she had this passion for life that made me want to be a better person. She made me a better person."

He stopped talking for a moment, and Meredith leaned forward to squeeze his arm. "What happened?" she gently prompted.

Derek swallowed hard. "We had a pregnancy scare," he said. "And I…I was so excited. The home test gave a false positive, and I was so excited to become a father. But Addison…she didn't react at all. She just mumbled something about going to one of her colleagues during work. She's a neonatal specialist. And so we went, and there was nothing in the ultrasound. No baby." He swallowed hard as he stared up at the ceiling, trying to control the tears. "It was that night, six years ago, when she told me that she didn't want kids. She wanted me to get a vasectomy."

"Derek," Meredith breathed, and he felt her squeeze his hand, strangely comforted by the gesture.

"I refused, said that I had always wanted to be a dad. She had wanted kids, we'd talking about it before we got married. But then she said she loved her job too much to give it up for being a mom. And when I wouldn't get a vasectomy, we had a huge fight. I stayed at my mom's house for a week before Addison came and begged me to come back. We haven't talked about it since. Instead, she shops. She shops, and I work, and we just… coexist."

"Do you love her?" Meredith asked softly.

Derek was silent for a moment, contemplating the words. "I think so," he finally admitted.

"Do you think she loves you?"

"I don't know."

"Derek," Meredith breathed, turning him to face her. "You need to talk to her. This is your marriage you're talking about, and you've already lived for six years like this?"

"Yeah," Derek sighed, feeling the absurdity of it all.

"I think you need to do something about it," Meredith said. "Do you want to spend the rest of your life living like this?"

He hadn't thought of it that way. "No."

"Okay," Meredith said, pulling him to his feet and pushing him towards the door. "So go home, and tonight just be with her. Apologize, hug her, wish her a happy birthday. And tomorrow…re evaluate things, ask her if you can really sit down and talk about things."

Derek nodded as he turned to look at her. "Thanks, Mer," he said, deciding he liked the way her shortened name came off of his lips.

"You're welcome," she said. "I'll see you on Monday."

"Monday," he said, offering her a smile. "You want me to bring you a coffee?"

"A girl can't say no to that," she said, opening the door and pushing him out. "Go."

"Bye," Derek called over his shoulder before making his way down the stairs. And when he turned back to look at her, he was too far away to see the tears filling her eyes or the way she clutched the doorframe until her knuckles were white, trying to keep herself standing after doing one of the hardest things she had ever done in her life.

XXXXX

It was half an hour later when Derek let himself into the brownstone. Just as he had been completely unaware of Meredith's turmoil as she'd sent him home to his wife, he missed the silhouette of his best friend slipping out the back door as he climbed the stairs to his bedroom.

"Addie?" he entered their bedroom, frowning slightly at the rumpled sheets before he stepped into the bathroom where the shower was running, making the entire room steamy.

"Derek," she said, popping her head out from the curtain. "You decided to come home."

Derek sighed as he stared at the ceiling. He deserved that. "I'm sorry, Addie," he said. "Look, can we talk?"

"I'm in the shower."

"It's almost midnight."

"Yes I know that," she snapped. "And you sent me home nearly two hours ago. Alone. On my birthday."

"I know," Derek sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, Addison, I really am. Can you just get dressed so we can talk?"

Addison pursed her lips together, thinking for a moment before she nodded. "Fine."

Derek sighed as he moved back into the bedroom, quickly changing into his pajamas before he stretched out, relieved to finally be horizontal. It had been a long day.

"Where were you?" Addison asked softly, sitting down next to him, her wet hair curling slightly, brushing against the soft material of her bathrobe.

"I was with Meredith," he said, deciding that honesty was the best option.

Addison nodded slowly. "I'm only going to ask once more," she said evenly. "Are you sleeping with her?"

"No," Derek said firmly. "We're friends. That's it."

"I saw the look in your eyes when you realized she was Mark's date," Addison said. "You were jealous."

"She's attractive," Derek admitted. "But I'm not sleeping with her. I promise you that, Addison."

"Okay," she said carefully. "What would you say if I asked you not to see her anymore?"

"I would say that I'm her teacher and she's doing part of her clinical rounds with me," Derek frowned. "Are you that threatened by her?"

"I'm not threatened," Addison snapped. "You're my husband, Derek. Mine. Not hers."

"I know," Derek said. "But I….we need to talk about things."

Fear came over Addison's face. "What kind of things?" she asked carefully.

"We've been off for a long time," Derek said. "But you're my wife. And we owe it to each other to try and work things out."

"Oh," Addison nodded carefully. "You're right."

"Good," Derek said.

"Do you have any important surgeries this week?"

"Only one, on Thursday," Derek said. "Why?"

"Maybe we could go out to the Hamptons," Addison suggested. "Get away from the city, relax."

"Sure," Derek nodded slowly. That hadn't been exactly what he was thinking, but he had to try to make this work with Addison. She was his wife. So he would go, even if he hated the house in the Hamptons.

"Good!" Addison exclaimed. "We haven't been there in too long."

"Yeah," Derek sighed as he leaned in to kiss her cheek. "Too long."

XXXXX

"I'm so glad we're doing this," Addison sighed the next afternoon as he unlocked the door to their house on Long Island. "I think it's just what we need."

"I hope so," he said, letting her walk into the foyer. The house was fairly big, but small in comparison to the other houses on the road. He had loved this house when they'd first bought it, even if it was decorated a little too modern for his taste. But Addison was right, it would be nice to get away from the city and look at where they were. And this was the perfect place to do it. "I'll go get the bags."

"I'll turn on the heat," Addison said, leaning up to kiss him softly. "Meet you in the living room?"

"Sure," Derek said, squeezing her hand before he moved back out into the chilly November air. He brought their bags up to the master bedroom, then made his way back to the living room, where Addison was opening a bottle of wine.

"I was thinking maybe you could start a fire?" she suggested.

"Of course," he said automatically. In less than ten minutes the fire was started, and he was seated beside Addison on the couch sipping wine.

"This is nice," she said, letting her head fall to his shoulder.

"It is," he agreed, wrapping his arm around her. Trying. They were trying.

"I know we have to talk," she whispered. "But can we…just stay like this? For a few minutes?"

"Definitely," Derek murmured. He had to admit it was nice, simply being together in the way they had when they'd first gotten married. But then he remembered everything that had happened since then, all of the anger and resentment and hiding, and he quickly remembered why they were here. "Addison?" he whispered her name into her hair.

"Hmm?" she asked, trailing her fingers over his thigh.

"Are you still in love with me?"

"What?" Addison pulled out of his arms so quickly that she dropped her wine glass, watching the yellowish liquid seep into the couch.

"Crap," Derek breathed. "I'll the a towel…"

"Forget the couch," Addison shook her head, grabbing his wrist and pulling him back down to sit on the couch. "Did you seriously just ask that?"

"I need to know," Derek said. "We can't keep living like this, Addison."

"You're my husband, Derek, I can't believe you would even think to ask me that," she frowned. "Of course I love you."

"I didn't ask if you loved me," Derek said. "I asked if you're in love with me."

Addison's eyes widened, and she dropped his hand, clearly taken by surprise.

"Addie?" he prompted her after a moment.

"I…" she shook her head as she met his gaze, tears filling her eyes. "I don't know, Derek."

Derek's heart clenched at her broken expression, and he gently reached out to pull her into his arms. "It's okay," he murmured.

"It's not okay!" she shouted, pulling out of his arms and standing to pace the room. "I don't…how can I not know if I'm in love with my own husband?"

"I don't know if I'm in love with you either," Derek said softly.

"What?" Addison frowned, stopping her pacing to look at him carefully.

"I don't know what happened to us, Addie," he said softly. "But…we're not us anymore."

"I know," she breathed. "What…was it the baby thing?"

The baby thing. The way she mentioned it so casually made him clench his fists, and he tried his hardest not to blow up at her. "You know that I've wanted to be a father since I was a kid," he said. "It's…that means the world to me."

"But you never said that!" Addison cried. "You never mentioned kids again after we thought I was pregnant!"

"You asked me to get a vasectomy!" Derek argued. "You said that you were never going to be a mom, and correct me if I'm mistaken, Addison, but that means I'll never get to be a dad!"

"So you let that kill us?" Addison shouted. "Something stupid like that made you fall out of love with me?"

"No, it's the fact that you didn't care!" Derek said. "I was so excited to see you carry my babies, to be a mother to my kids. And when you found out that there was no baby in your stomach, you were happy. You wanted to celebrate, and you didn't even care that I was trying my hardest not to cry in the middle of the exam room!"

"I…" Addison fumbled for words to say before she shook her head. "If you want kids, we'll have kids," she finally said simply.

"It can't be like that, Addison," he said. "We can't…kids deserve to have mothers who want them, not mothers that are scared of losing their husbands."

"Should I be scared of losing you?" Addison whispered.

Derek sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. "We've both messed this up," he said.

"I know," she agreed. "I…I didn't let you feel how you were really feeling."

"And I've been a bad husband," he nodded.

"At least it's not anyone's fault," she sighed.

"But now we have to figure out how to fix it," Derek said.

"Yeah," Addison nodded slowly.

Derek sensed her hesitation and took a tentative step towards her. "Addie," he said softly. "Do you want to fix it?"

Tears filled Addison's eyes as she looked up at him. "Derek, I don't even know if we're in love," she whispered. "Can I…is it okay if we just spend time together and see where we are, how we feel on Wednesday when we have to go back?"

Derek nodded slowly. "I think that would be okay," he said. "And for what it's worth, I do love you, Addison. Even if we're not sure if we're in love…I'll always love you."

Addison forced a smile through her tears as she reached for his hand. "I love you too, Derek," she whispered. "I always will."

Derek nodded, offering her a small smile. "I'll…you can have the master bedroom," he said. "I'll take one of the guest rooms."

"Derek," she whispered. "You don't have to…"

"Space, Addie," he said. "We're spending a couple days together, but maybe if we have some space too, things will become more clear."

"Okay," she whispered.

"I'll move my stuff," he said. "Then make dinner."

Addison smiled softly. "Chicken parmesan?" she asked.

Derek laughed slightly. It was the meal Addison never admitted that she liked, to anyone but him, and every time they came to their house out here he made it for her on their first night. "I wouldn't dream of making anything else," he promised.

"Thank you," Addison sighed, dropping onto the couch and reaching to pour herself another glass of wine with shaking hands.

Derek sighed as he moved up the stairs, quickly dropping his suitcase into a guest room before making his way back downstairs. He couldn't help but feel that he and Addison had made some sort of progress. He didn't feel any better about the state of his marriage, but at least he knew that they were both being completely honest with each other and that they could work things out. It was going to be hard, he knew, but they would work things out. He would put more effort into being a better husband and hopefully she would stop trying to force him into being someone he wasn't. They would work things out and be fine.

Except he would still never be a father.

That thought brought tears to his eyes as he moved around the kitchen to prepare dinner. He'd wanted to be a father for as long as he could remember, but he was never going to get the chance because no matter how well things worked out with Addison, he wouldn't be able to force her to have kids.

And for a split second, he wondered what it would be like to have little girls with blonde hair and adorable smiles, and a giggle that made his heart stop in his chest.


	5. Chapter 5

"Derek…" Meredith moaned, her body writhing underneath his as he hovered over her. "Please…"

"Please?" he smirked slightly leaning down to press his lips against hers in a hot, searing kiss.

"Inside," she begged, arching her hips as his erection strained against her folds. "Now, please…"

"Hmmm," he sighed as he slid slowly into her, taking in the tightness that surrounded him as he sank into her. She gasped as he filled her to the core, remaining completely still for a moment. "Meredith," he breathed.

"Oh Derek," she sighed, her dark green eyes meeting his as she threaded her fingers through his hair. "Make love to me."

Derek pressed his lips to hers, gently pulling out of her before moving back in, thrusting into her at a slow and steady pace that left them both gasping for breath.

"Derek," she gasped, her back arching and leaving her neck exposed to his hungry lips. "Oh God…"

He could feel her walls beginning to tighten, his own orgasm pushing closer as he continued to move into her, his hands running over her body as she tugged on his hair. And then she was coming, screaming his name and he…

Derek sat up quickly in bed, panting for breath as he looked around his dark bedroom. Disoriented from the very pleasurable dream, it took him for a moment to gather his surroundings. Addison was sleeping beside him, her back facing him and the clock on her bedside table glowed, telling him in was two-thirty in the morning.

He shook his head, unable to process how real his dream had felt, how warm Meredith's body had felt beneath his, the way her breasts had fit perfectly in his hands…he could still hear her moaning as he'd nibbled gently on her neck.

He settled back into bed, determined to forget the ridiculousness of the dream and go back to sleep. But as he tried to get comfortable again, there was a certain part of his anatomy that would make it very difficult in its current state.

Derek let out a soft groan, as he let a hand travel over the erection straining inside of his pajama pants. He could wake Addison up and take care of it the way he was supposed to, but right now…he honestly didn't want to. He could barely remember the last time that they'd had sex, and she had an early surgery. She probably wouldn't appreciate being woken up for sex in the middle of the night. And after that hot dream, he wasn't sure he could have sex without thinking about Meredith's body pressed to his.

So he stood, making his way down the hall to the guest bedroom where he turned the shower onto the hottest setting and stripped out of his clothes. Then he stepped into the shower, wrapping his hand around his throbbing erection, closing his eyes as he remembered what it had been like in his dream, how wet and tight Meredith's walls had been as she'd contracted around him, bringing him to the height of pleasure that he hadn't quite been able to reach in his dream.

After he'd released himself, he sank to the floor of the shower, burying his face in his hands as he tried to figure out why the hell this was happening. In the month since he and Addison had went away together, things had been somewhat better. They were more honest with each other, spending more time together and talking more. But as much as they spent time together at meals and even just talking at home, he couldn't help feeling like she was a god more friend, someone he could depend on but not someone that he was in love with.

And Meredith…he inhaled deeply as he thought about Meredith Grey. She was quickly becoming the one he talked to about everything, even more so than Mark. They had fallen into the habit of eating lunch together, and she'd become his confidant about everything he was feeling about the state of his marriage.

He was learning things about her too. Like the fact that she had two half sisters, even a niece that was almost a year old. She'd grown up in Boston and spent time traveling in Europe before she'd settled down at Columbia for med school. He loved learning about what made her her, how she had become the strong woman that he could very strangely talk to about anything.

He knew that he felt more than he should. The week before she'd leaned over a counter to grab a pen, and he'd had to force himself to turn away as a black lace covered bra peeked out from under her sweater. But he had to control those feelings. He was married. And even if he hadn't been the best husband or Addison the best wife, they had promised to be together for better or worse, and he was going to honor that. So he was working on things with Addison and trying to suppress his feelings for Meredith.

When the water finally turned cold, he stood and dried himself off before he made his way back to bed, sliding into bed next to Addison and trying to suppress the desire that he was in Meredith's bed instead of his own.

XXXXX

"So what do you want to do today?" Addison asked as she poured them each a cup of coffee the next morning. It was a rare day that they both had off, and he knew that he was looking forward to spending the day together in the city that was ever bustling with the excitement of the approaching Christmas holidays.

"I was thinking we could do some shopping," Derek suggested, knowing that that was the answer he wanted. "Get ready for Christmas at the house."

Addison paused as she reached for the sugar. "Did you tell your mom that we were going to her house for Christmas?" she asked.

"Yeah," he frowned. "We go there every year."

"I know," Addison said. "That's why I was thinking that we could go to my parents' for Christmas."

"We were just there for Thanksgiving," Derek pointed out.

"Yeah, but…my dad's not as healthy as he used to be and I want to spend as much time as I can with him," Addison said.

Derek sighed as he stared up at the ceiling. Addison's parents lived in Connecticut, and it had never been a battle to decide which holidays were spent where. Until now, apparently. "I want to go home," he said softly. "The kids all depend on me to dress up."

"Someone else can do that," Addison shrugged. "I don't understand why it's so important to you."

Derek opened to his mouth to tell her that it was fine, that they could go to her parents' house. But then he realized that that was the mistake that he'd been making for years now. "That's it," he said.

"That's what?" Addison asked.

"That's why I feel like I'm trapped," Derek said softly. He took in Addison's hurt expression and leaned forward to take her hand. "If we're going to work on our marriage, we have to point these things out," he said. "And this…things like this, when you just tell me to do something and I do it because you guilt me into it…that's why I feel trapped."

"Oh," Addison nodded slowly.

"And…we can go to your parents," Derek sighed. "If you really want to. But you know how much I love Christmas at my house. With all the sisters and their kids running around. Your house is nice too, but we were there less than two weeks ago for Thanksgiving. And I thought you liked being at Mom's for Christmas too."

"I do," Addison said as she stared down at her plate. "We can go there."

Derek tilted his head to the side. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said. "I guess…you're being honest with me, calling me out when you're feeling walked all over. So I need to work on not being so selfish."

"Addison, I never called you selfish."

"I know," she said. "But that's what I'm acting like, isn't it?"

"I can't actually argue with that," Derek teased.

She laughed slightly as she reached for her fork. "So…we're going to clear out FAO Schwartz?" she asked.

"Liz just had another girl," Derek rolled his eyes. "That brings us up to fourteen nieces and nephews."

"Your family is ridiculous," Addison laughed.

Derek smiled, deciding not to tell her how desperately he wanted to contribute to the army of children that his sisters had created over the past fifteen years. They'd been having a nice morning, despite the brief fight they'd just had, and he didn't want to ruin that.

Apparently his wish wasn't meant to be granted as Addison's pager beeped loudly from the hall. She jumped up to grab it, rushing back into the kitchen a moment later to press a quick kiss to his cheek. "I have to go," she said. "The high risk twins I'm on are trying to come now. It's only twenty eight weeks."

"Good luck," Derek called to her retreating back, and a moment later the door slammed shut behind her. He sighed as he stood to clean up their breakfast dishes, strangely not that disturbed that their plans had been interrupted. Maybe he could call Mark and they could grab a beer, maybe see if there was a Giants game on. That would be nice, they hadn't spent time together just the two of them in awhile.

His cell phone rang from its place on the counter, and he turned to look at it, unable to stop the smile spreading across his face as he saw the name flashing on the screen.

"Hey Mer," he said as he held the phone up to his ear.

"I need your help." Her breath was panicked and fast, and he frowned as he dropped his coffee cup in the sink.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"No," she replied. "Or well, yes, I'm okay. But not really because I'm a horrible awful stupid person."

"No you're not," he laughed.

"Yes I am," Meredith cried. "Because only horrible people agree to go to Christmas dinner at the house of the father that abandoned her twenty five years ago. And Lexie just told me that I have to bring presents. Presents, Derek!"

"Yes, people do generally bring presents to their relatives on Christmas," Derek said, unable to hide the amusement in his voice.

"Okay, you know when is not a good time to mock me?" Meredith shouted over the phone. "When I'm freaking out! And I'm definitely freaking out, Derek!"

"I can tell," he said. "Do you want help?"

"Are you going to make fun of me?"

"Definitely not," he said.

"Fine," she said. "Meet me at the coffee shop."

"I'll be there in half an hour," he promised.

"Good," she said, sounding slightly calmer. "Thank you, Derek."

"You're welcome," he laughed. "Bye, Mer."

He was dressed quickly, making his way down the familiar route to the coffee shop that had quickly become one of his favorite places in the world. Every once in awhile between appointments they were able to sneak away to grab a cup of coffee, and he loved those stolen moments.

"You're late."

He laughed as she stood from their table, shoving a coffee into his hands. "I'm not late," he said.

"Well, you took too long," she said.

"Sorry," he rolled his eyes, ushering her out the door. "So what's the mission for today?"

"Presents," Meredith said firmly. "For…my father, my stepmother, my sister, her husband, and her daughter. Well, and Lexie, but she's a nerd so I'll probably just give her one of my old textbooks or something."

"How generous of you," Derek said.

"Definitely the neuron text," Meredith said. "It's the most boring."

"I'm insulted," Derek frowned. "I gave up my Saturday plans to help you shop, and you're making fun of me."

"Oh," Meredith said, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. "I'm sorry, were you doing something with Addison? I didn't mean to interrupt…"

"I wasn't," Derek shook his head. "She's working."

"Oh," Meredith said, falling into step beside him again. "So you were what…cleaning the house?"

"Why do I think you're mocking me again?" Derek sighed.

"I'm sorry," she giggled, resting a gloved hand on his arm. "It's just so easy to do."

Derek swallowed hard at the feeling of her hand on his arm, trying not to recall his dream from the night before or the way her hand seemed to radiate warmth through his entire body. He could feel himself start to react to the dream despite the cold, and he took a long sip of his coffee, trying to think of anything besides the tightening in his pants.

"Derek?" her voice brought him back to the present, and he looked down at her. "Are you okay? You're quiet."

"I'm fine," he smiled, taking a breath of relief as she removed her hand. "Just… thinking."

"Okay," she sighed. "So…where do we go first?"

"Hmmm," Derek thought for a moment before he pointed across the street. "There."

"Macy's?" Meredith frowned. "What's there?"

"That's where we'll get your dad and stepmom their stuff," Derek said, hurrying her across the street as the light changed.

"What are we going to get them?" she asked.

Derek thought for a moment. It wasn't as if Meredith was buying for parents who had raised her, been there for her forever. But they did deserve something special for opening to their home to her after so many years. "We'll see what we can find," he said. "Maybe a sweater or a decanter for your dad. Candles or something for your stepmom."

"Okay," she sighed as she followed him into the store, and he laughed slightly at her overwhelmed expression. She was completely adorable.

XXXXX

"Derek, stop!" she giggled hours later as he held a dart gun out in front of him. They had walked into FAO Schwartz in hopes of finding for something for Meredith's niece, but she had been so adorable playing with the toys that he couldn't help himself from egging her on.

"Why should I?" he asked, firing another round of nerf darts at her.

"Stop!" she cried, trying to dodge the bullets.

He laughed as he lowered the gun. "You're in luck," he said. "I'm out of ammo."

"Good, because I'm not," she giggled, pulling an identical gun from behind her back and firing a series of darts at him.

"Hey!" he cried, ducking from the line of fire.

"Gee, I hope they don't mess up the hair," Meredith cried as she continued to fire at him.

"You're mean!" he cried, finally finding shelter behind a display.

"Okay, I surrender!" she called, and he peeked around the corner to see that she had placed the gun back on the shelf.

"Good," he said firmly, taking a step closer to her. "And just for the hair comment… you're going to buy me dinner."

"Me?" Meredith raised her eyebrows as they made their way to the front of the store, the baby doll she had picked out for Laura clutched tightly in her hands.

"Yes you," he laughed.

"You're the fancy doctor," she argued. "Shouldn't you be treating the poor med school student to dinner?"

He laughed as she paid and they made their way to the door. "Fine," he said. "But coffee's your treat on Monday."

"Deal," she said.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked.

"My choice?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Good," she said, grabbing his arm. "Come on."

Derek followed her down the street, smiling softly when she stopped in front of a familiar Italian restaurant. His family had always come there on special occasions, mostly just birthdays, but since he'd gotten married he'd abandoned it for fancier restaurants. "You know this place?" he asked.

"It's my favorite," she said as they stepped inside, relieved to have shelter from the cold.

"We used to come here with my dad," Derek smiled. "But I haven't been here in years."

She smiled warmly at him as they were seated in a corner table. "Are you sure Addison won't want to have dinner with you?" she asked.

He shrugged slightly. "She said she'd call when she was done with work," he said. "She has a pretty high risk pregnancy right now, she really throws herself into caring for cases like this."

Meredith nodded slowly, and he looked at her carefully. "What?" he asked.

"I hate when you do that," she sighed.

"Then maybe you should just talk instead of holding it in," Derek pointed out.

"Fine," she said. "I guess I just don't get it."

"What?" Derek asked.

"Why she doesn't know what she has."

Derek blinked in surprise, not having expected such honest and heartfelt words to come from her lips. He leaned back in his seat, holding her gaze but unsure how to respond. In all the time they'd spent together in the month since they'd met, he'd never heard her say something so simple and so complicated at the same time. "Meredith," he breathed. "I…"

"Sorry," she said, shaking her head quickly and looking down at her menu. "I know it's none of my business, I just…sometimes don't think before I say things."

"Don't apologize," Derek said, reaching across the table to run a hand over her arm. "It is your business."

"You're my boss or something," Meredith said. "Your marriage is none of my business."

"I'm not your boss," he said. "I'm your friend. And…it's good that you're concerned about me."

"It is?" she asked, looking up from her menu.

"Yeah," he smiled. "It means you care about me."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You need to get your ego deflated," she informed him.

"I do not," Derek laughed. "That's what makes me an amazing surgeon."

She sighed as she set her menu aside. "You're not that good," she said.

"I am too," he said. "And you will be too."

"Right," Meredith scoffed.

He frowned at her reaction. "Are you nervous about being a doctor?" he asked.

"No," she shook her head. "Not nervous, just…apprehensive."

"Fancy word for nervous," Derek nodded.

"I really hate you."

"You do not."

"If you weren't buying me dinner I'd get up and leave right now."

"It's a good thing I decided to treat then," Derek said. "You're going to be a wonderful doctor. I can't believe that you're even doubting that."

She shrugged before she looked up to meet his eyes. "You know you're the only one who's ever believed in me?" she whispered. "That I can do it, be a good doctor. Every one else just…rolls their eyes or humors me or something. You actually think I can do it. It's nice, to have someone believe in me."

Derek's heart squeezed in his chest. He couldn't imagine how she felt. He'd had hard times in his life, he was in a rut right now. But he'd never really been alone; he'd known that his mother and sisters and Mark would be there for him no matter what. "I can't even begin to imagine why, Meredith," he said softly.

She smiled slightly and opened her mouth to speak, but before she could say anything they were both distracted.

"Derek?"

His head snapped towards the sound, and he smiled when he saw his oldest sister approaching their table. Then he saw the way she was looking at Meredith, a combination of curiosity and disbelief and swallowed hard. This could be really bad. "Hey Kath," he said, praying that she wouldn't make a scene, but knowing deep down that she would.

She was a Shepherd, after all.

**Thanks for all the reviews! I'm really glad that you're all enjoying this story, I love getting your feedback. FYI, this is probably going to be the last update until Thursday (I have a huge midterm, so I'm not going to have time to update). Please continue to read, and hopefully I'll have lots of time to update over the weekend :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi friends! Thanks for being so patient while I had to take a little break from writing. I tried to post this earlier, but the site was down, so I'm excited that it's back up again. Hopefully this can tide you over until tonight! Thanks for reading :)**

"Hey little brother," Kathleen said, her face confused as Derek stood and hugged her tightly, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek.

"What are you doing in the city?" he asked, trying to put off the awkward introduction he was going to have to make.

"Christmas shopping," Kathleen said. She pushed him aside and held her hand out to Meredith. "I'm Kathleen."

"Meredith," she whispered as she shook her hand, looking down at the table.

"I'm Derek's sister," Kathleen announced, obviously waiting for Meredith to identify her relationship to him.

"I'm um…." Meredith bit her lower lip as she glanced at Derek, and he rolled his eyes. His sisters were nothing if not pushy and overbearing.

"Meredith is a friend," he said. "She's keeping me company for dinner because Addie's working."

Kathleen nodded, her gaze remaining on Meredith, and he could tell that his sister was trying to determine if she believed them or not. "Kathleen," he snapped.

"Sorry," she sighed, plastering a fake smile on her face. "I'll um…see you in a couple weeks at Mom's?"

"Hopefully," Derek sighed. "Addie's fighting for her parents' house this year."

Kathleen's face melted. "Oh Derbear," she whispered. "Are you still having trouble?"

Derek shrugged as he glanced briefly at Meredith. "We're trying to work things out," he nodded slowly. "But…it doesn't help when she doesn't listen to me."

"Do you need to talk?" Kathleen asked softly.

"Not now," Derek shook his head as he reached out to squeeze her shoulder. "Christmas. We'll talk then."

"Good," Kathleen said. "Because I know that you've had some difficulties with Addie, but if you two want to talk…"

"Kath," he laughed slightly. "Remember when we talked about you going all therapist on us?"

"Right," Kathleen smiled. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Derek said. "I'll see you soon."

"Bye Derbear," she smiled before turning to Meredith. "It was nice to meet you."

"You too," Meredith whispered.

Derek settled back into his seat as Kathleen walked away, looking carefully at Meredith. "You're freaking out," he stated.

"She thinks we're having an affair," Meredith hissed.

"No she doesn't," Derek sighed. "She's just…Kath."

"Derek," Meredith sighed, looking around the restaurant. The small Italian restaurant that was filled mostly with couples, save for the family sitting at the one large table in the opposite corner. "I don't…it looks bad. Really, really bad."

Derek ran a hand through his hair. "Do you want to go?" he asked.

"No," Meredith said quickly. "Because then she'll really think something's going on, and I just…she's your sister, Derek."

"I know," Derek nodded. "But it could have been a lot worse."

"Worse?" Meredith frowned.

"Kath's one of the nice ones," Derek said. "Caitlin and Nancy…they're my sisters and I love them, but they're very nosy. And they love Addison."

"Oh," Meredith nodded slowly, biting her lower lip.

"If Nance had come…" Derek shook his head. "She probably would have outright accused us of having an affair."

Meredith nodded slowly, reaching forward to take a long sip of her wine.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know," she replied honestly. She was silent for a moment before she asked, "Did you tell Addison that you were spending the day with me?"

"No," Derek said honestly. "Not that I wouldn't have, but…she ran out the door this morning and I haven't talked to her since."

"Great," Meredith sighed. "So she's sitting at home wondering where the hell you are, and your sister's going to call her and tell her that she saw you here with some slutty med school student and then she's going to get all mad, it's all going to be my fault."

"Meredith," Derek shook his head slightly, resisting the urge to lay a hand on top of hers. He could still feel his sister's eyes boring into the back of his head, and he knew he had to make this look as friendly as possible. Especially since that was what they were.

Friends. Nothing more.

"Addison hates me, Derek," Meredith sighed.

"She doesn't know you," Derek argued. "Addison…she's just a very intense personality. It takes some getting used to. And I highly doubt that she's sitting around wondering where I am."

"You're her husband," Meredith said.

"I know," he sighed, looking up at the ceiling. "But…sometimes I wonder why we're even trying to make this work. I don't know if she's really willing to put in the effort."

"Why would she do it then?" Meredith asked.

"I don't know," Derek said honestly. "Sometimes we're great together, and I remember why I fell in love with her. She's not a shallow person, as much as it might seem like that. But there are other times…times when I think that she's just pretending to make this work so she doesn't have to tell her friends and her family that she's getting a divorce."

"There's something else bothering you," Meredith observed quietly.

Derek shook his head slightly, wondering when she'd gotten so good at reading him. "She accused me of sleeping with you once," he said softly. "I told her that nothing had happened, that nothing was going to happen. Because she's my wife, and you're my friend."

"Right," Meredith sighed, and he missed the brief flash of pain in her eyes. "Friends."

"But when I told her that," Derek continued, remembering the expression on her face that he hadn't been able to place until later. "She didn't look doubtful or sad or relieved. She looked almost…guilty."

"Guilty?" Meredith frowned. "You mean for not trusting her."

"Maybe," Derek said. "And maybe it's my mind playing tricks with me or trying to make up excuses as to why we're not working, but…sometimes I wonder if she's the one sleeping with someone else."

Meredith blinked in surprise, staring at him for a long moment. "You think she's having an affair?" she asked.

"I…I don't know," Derek said. "It's just the guilt that came over her face when I told her that I'd never cheat on her. And once I came home after a late surgery. It was almost one in the morning, and she was in the shower, the bed already a mess. A charge for dinner on the credit card that had to be for two people on a night I was working late… stupid things like that that make me wonder."

Meredith nodded slowly, and then she leaned forward, careful not to touch him as her eyes darted across the room to Kathleen's table before meeting his again. "Derek," she said. "Don't you think the two of you should talk about this?"

"We should," he said. "I know we should. But I don't know how. And things have been better lately…"

"But if you don't confront her, this is going to build up inside of you," Meredith said. "And then you're going to explode and do something stupid. Isn't it better that you try to figure this out with her now?"

"You're right," Derek sighed. "I know you're right."

"Of course I am," she smiled slightly, the first he'd seen since Kathleen had interrupted them. "Someday you'll learn not to argue with me."

XXXXX

It was late when Derek finally climbed the steps to his brownstone, his heart pounding as he thought of what he was about to do. Meredith had been right, if he thought that Addison was having an affair he needed to talk to her. Addison had at least taken that step, and he needed to do the same.

But it had been a wonderful day, and he really didn't feel like ruining it. After dinner Meredith had insisted that he go home to Addison, but he'd at least sent her on her way with dessert, which had made her completely happy. And no matter what happened when he stepped into his house, he knew that her giggle would bring a smile to his lips.

He was well aware of how attracted he was to Meredith Grey. It wasn't only physically, although it was getting harder and harder to be around her without imagining their bodies pressed together. She was completely amazing, and for someone who'd grown up with such an unstable childhood, he knew she was an incredibly strong person who had compassion and intelligence, among a never ending list of praises. But he couldn't do anything about it. It was crazy anyways. She was six years younger than him, still in med school while he was a well established surgeon. Even if he wasn't married, he was sure that somewhere down the line it would fail.

At least that was what he was telling himself to distract the desire to make love to her, to love her like a husband should love a wife, to wonder what it would be like to spend forever with her.

With a deep breath and a shake of his head, he effectively shut Meredith out of his brain and pushed the door open, frowning when he heard two very familiar laughs mixing together. He inhaled sharply, immediately hating his sister for her big mouth and sneaky tendencies.

"Kathleen," he smiled tightly as he stepped into the living room where Addison and Kathleen were sitting on the couch, each cradling a glass of wine. "What in the world are you doing here?" Maybe she hadn't told Addison that she'd seen him at dinner with Meredith. If she loved him at all, she wouldn't have told her.

"Chris and I were in the city for dinner," she said. "But he got paged for a ruptured aortic aneurysm, so I decided to see if my favorite little brother was home."

"Oh," he smiled, hugging her tightly as she stood. "Thank you," he whispered in her ear.

"You're in big trouble," she whispered back before she pulled away, offering him a warm smile. "So where have you been, baby brother?"

Crap. She would do this, just for her own entertainment.

"Out with a friend," he shrugged as he stepped around Kathleen to lean over the couch and press a kiss to Addison's cheek. "How was your surgery?" he asked.

"Good," Addison nodded. "The twins were delivered okay, and they're stable. For now, but they're both probably going to need surgery in the next couple days."

"Twenty eight weeks," Derek shook his head. "Damn that's early."

"Well, they're in the best of care," Kathleen smiled. "Derbear, do you have any peanut butter?"

Derek blinked in surprise as he looked at her. "What?"

"Peanut butter," Kathleen nodded, reaching for his arm. "You know how much I love a good PB and J with a glass of wine. Make me a sandwich while we catch up. Sibling bonding."

Addison's laughter trailed behind them, and he glanced over his shoulder to see her reaching for a magazine from the coffee table. Kathleen shoved him into the kitchen and he raised his eyebrows, a smirk playing on his lips. "Peanut butter?" he asked.

Kathleen rolled her eyes as she reached up and smacked him on the back of the head.

"Ow!" he cried, reaching to rub the offended spot.

"That was for making fun of me," she said. "And that," she added, reaching out to smack him again. "Is for having a romantic dinner with a woman who isn't your wife!"

"Kathleen," Derek rolled his eyes. "That was nothing."

"It didn't look like nothing."

"Meredith and I are friends."

"You look like lovers."

"We're not," Derek denied quickly. "I'd never cheat on Addison."

"Since when do you have female friends?"

"What, just because I'm married I can't have friends that are girls?" Derek asked.

"That's not what I meant," Kathleen sighed, dropping into a chair at the table. "I'm just worried about you, Derek. I know you're having trouble with Addison, and then I see you at a romantic restaurant with a hot young girl…what am I supposed to think?"

"I guess it did look bad," Derek sighed, sliding into a seat beside his sister. "But Mer's just a friend. Honest."

"I believe you," Kathleen sighed. "I just don't want to see you get hurt. And I don't want you to hurt anyone else."

"You mean Addison," Derek said.

"Addison's my sister in law, and I love her," Kathleen nodded. "But my loyalty is with you, Derek. You're my brother, and if you decide that this isn't going to work…well, you know where to find me."

"Thanks," Derek said. "But…we're trying. Addie and I, we're really trying."

"Good," Kathleen smiled. "And be careful, okay Derbear? That girl…I saw the way she was looking at you. So just be careful, okay?"

"The way she looked at me?" Derek frowned.

"Like she knows you're off limits," Kathleen said. "But…I think she wishes you weren't."

Derek shook his head, hoping his sister was desperately wrong. Because he was having enough trouble fighting off his attraction to Meredith, and if she felt the same way he wasn't sure that he would be able to control it. "We're friends, Kath," he replied weakly.

"I know," she said, standing and reaching to hug him as he did the same. "Just…do what you think is best, okay?"

Derek smiled softly as she pulled away. "Now you're sounding like a shrink," he teased.

"No," she laughed. "More like a mom."

"That too," Derek said. "You want to crash in the guest room? It's late."

"Nah, I have to go collect my husband," she giggled.

"Do I want to know where he really is?" Derek asked.

"The game's on, Derbear," Kathleen laughed. "All I have to do is get him into a sports bar with a beer in his hands and have him surrounded by a million Yankees fans. He probably doesn't even know I'm not there."

"Well, that's what he gets for being a Red Sox fan," Derek rolled his eyes.

"Whatever," Kathleen shrugged. "I'm going to go drag him home. You and Addie should talk though. I think you both need it. And remember to be honest and not to…"

"Go before I feel like I should be laying on a couch talking about my messed up childhood," Derek rolled his eyes.

"Okay, that is exactly why people have such a stigma attached to therapy…" Kathleen started, and Derek laughed as he pushed her out of the kitchen towards the front door.

"Go," he laughed. "I'll see you at Christmas."

"Bye little brother," she laughed as she pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. "Love you."

"Love you too," Derek smiled as he closed the door behind her, leaning against the door as he looked at Addison.

"Did she go all psycho analytical on you?" she asked.

"Yeah," Derek shook his head, reaching for Kathleen's abandoned wine glass and taking a sip as he settled on the couch beside Addison, resting a casual hand on her knee. And as he touched her, he couldn't help but think that she tensed ever so slightly at his touch. "So you had a good day?"

"Yeah," she said, staring down into her wine glass. "The twins are okay, and mom's doing well. And then um…Mark stopped by."

"Mark came to your office?" Derek frowned. "What was he doing there?"

"He just had some questions. About um, Christmas gifts," Addison said. "So we were going to go shopping, but then we just ended up coming here and hanging out for a little while."

"Oh," Derek nodded slowly. "Okay."

"I just…you should know," Addison said. "Because he was here when Kath came, and I just didn't want her to tell you and have you think something is going on with us, because there isn't. We're friends."

"Friends," Derek nodded carefully. "Like Meredith and I are friends."

"Meredith?" Addison frowned. "What does she have to do with anything?"

"Because when you got called into work I ended up spending the day with her," Derek said. "And just like I know that there's nothing going on with you and Mark, you know that there's nothing going on with me and Meredith, right?"

"I do," Addison sighed. "I just…when does her rotation in your practice end?"

"Next week," Derek murmured, trying not to think about how horrible work was going to be without her keeping him on his toes. "Why?"

"Because there's just…I don't know, Derek, there's something about that girl that I just can't handle," Addison said. "I trust you, I just don't know why I can't even stand to mention her name."

Derek sighed as he leaned back into the cushions, downing the rest of the wine. "What are you trying to say, Addie?" he asked.

"I'm saying," Addison said, looking at him carefully. "We're trying. We're trying to work this out, and since we're trying, I would really appreciate it if you didn't spend twelve hours straight with the hot young medical student in your practice. Especially when you're not at work."

"Oh," Derek nodded carefully. "Okay."

"Okay?" Addison repeated, raising her eyebrows in surprise.

"Okay," Derek nodded. "Meredith is a friend, Addie. I like spending time with her, but you're my wife. And anything you're not comfortable with, I'll do it. You're right, if we're going to try, we need to be honest with each other."

He missed the expression of guilt that flickered over Addison's face for a moment as he stared into his glass, and then when he looked up to meet her face, she was smiling brightly. "Thank you," she whispered softly.

"You're welcome," he said, leaning in to kiss her. "You okay?"

"Perfect," she said, taking his wine glass and setting it on the table beside his before she leaned in to kiss him again, wrapping her arms around his neck. "You know what we haven't done in awhile?"

Derek smiled as he ran his hands over her sides. "It's been a really long time," he said.

"Are you sure you want to?" she murmured.

"Definitely," Derek said, shifting her to straddle him.

"Hang on," she said, pulling back from him. "Upstairs."

"No," he shook his head as he kissed her neck. "Here."

"Derek, bed," she said, untangling himself from him and pulling him to his feet. "Let's go."

Derek sighed as he followed her up the stairs, suddenly wondering whether Kathleen was right, whether he should end things before they got even worse. Because right now he was wondering how he would spend the rest of his life meeting Addison's demands, not able to see Meredith anymore because his wife wasn't comfortable with it.

And then she was pushing him onto the bed, smiling softly as she started to pull her clothes off. He knew it wasn't fair, that they should really talk about where they were. But it was almost Christmas, and they couldn't make any serious decisions with about their future together with the holidays coming soon.

So for now, he would just enjoy what he could with her, and they could discuss things later. He just had to get through the next few weeks only seeing Meredith at work, and then he could hopefully talk some sense into his wife to make her more comfortable with him being friends with Meredith. Because he couldn't imagine not turning to her for advice anymore.

And as Addison slid her body on top of his, he felt a quick flash of guilt wash over him when he closed his eyes, briefly picturing that it was Meredith's body pressed to his.


	7. Chapter 7

"Addison, are you ready to go?" Derek shouted up the stairs, looking down at his watch.

"Almost!" she yelled back.

"You know Mom's not going to be happy if we're late for church," he sighed.

"I know," she rolled her eyes as she made her way down the stairs. "But Mark's not even here yet."

"Oh," Derek breathed. "Mark's not coming."

"What?" Addison frowned, her head snapping up to meet his from where she was digging around in her bag.

"He called while you were in the shower," Derek sighed. "Said the girl he was seeing just dumped him. He isn't in the mood to handle the family."

"Oh," Addison nodded slowly. "Okay."

"Did you know he was seeing anyone?" Derek asked. "And really…who breaks up with someone two days before Christmas?"

"I don't know," Addison whispered.

"You okay?" he asked, taking in her injured expression.

"Yeah," she said, looking up with a smile and reaching to squeeze his hand. "Just… worried about him."

"He's a big boy," Derek shrugged, reaching for his bag. "Let's go."

They silently made their way to the sidewalk, where he'd parked the car they rarely used, unless they were going out of the city. He tossed the bags into the trunk and Addison slid into the passenger seat, her heart pounding.

She'd felt extreme feelings of guilt after Derek had come home from his day shopping with Meredith. And although she'd spent the majority of that day in bed with Mark, she still couldn't find the words to tell her husband what was happening between the two of them.

So she'd ended it. The night before, when Derek had been stuck in surgery Mark had come over with flowers and a bottle of wine. But she'd told him that they couldn't see each other anymore, that if she was really going to try to work things out with her husband, she couldn't be sleeping with his best friend.

But she hadn't expected him to look so hurt or not spend Christmas with the family that had become his own over the years. Now she wasn't even sure what to do or how to deal with her own feelings of loss.

She hadn't been expecting to feel so…dead inside. She was married, she was married to a wonderful man and he didn't deserve to be lied to. He had done everything she'd asked him to in order to make their marriage work, and this was what she had to do in order to make herself happy with Derek.

"Alright," he smiled as he pulled the car onto the busy New York street. "Let's do this."

Addison smiled as she rested her head against the back of her seat, looking at him carefully. He was a really good man, and she wasn't sure how things had gotten so bad between them. But now they were working on things. She'd broken things off with Mark, and he was spending less time with Meredith, respecting her wishes. So things would get better. As soon as she could get Mark Sloan out of her mind.

"Do you think he's going to be okay?" she asked softly.

"Who, Mark?" Derek frowned. "You know…I really don't know. In all the time I've known him, he's never dated only one girl. And now I didn't even know that he was dating anyone, but I've never heard him that torn up. I think he was really dedicated to the relationship."

"Oh," Addison nodded slowly. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to say. What a woman was supposed to do when her husband's best friend was depressed…she had no idea how to act normally, because this wasn't normal. Mark was depressed because she had broken up with him, and now he wasn't even comfortable spending Christmas with his family.

"You're quiet," Derek observed after a few moments.

"Just…savoring the silence," Addison smiled softly. "It's not going to last much longer."

Derek laughed. "Shepherds are definitely not known for being quiet," he said. "Especially when we're congregated."

"You're right about that," Addison sighed, looking at him carefully. They loved Christmas, it was their thing. But this year, she couldn't find herself excited about it. Derek was excited, she could tell. He always loved going back to Long Island to his childhood home, but she couldn't get excited about it this year. She didn't know if it was the loudness that followed the Shepherds wherever they went or the constant presence of the kids…she really didn't know. But Christmas with the Shepherds was pretty much the last thing she wanted to do right now.

"Here we are," Derek smiled as he pulled into the familiar driveway. "You ready for this?"

"Of course," Addison sighed, pushing her door open and pulling herself out of the car. She could do this. She had to do this.

"Uncle Derek! Uncle Derek!"

They hadn't even made it to the trunk to grab their bags before there were kids already running out of the house.

"Hey!" her husband laughed, and a smile cross his face as he knelt to the ground, laughing loudly as he allowed three of the kids to tackle him onto the ground, snow covering his jacket. "What is this, time to tackle Uncle Derek?"

The kids laughed as they climbed all over him, dumping snow in his hair and rolling around in the snow with him. She watched for a moment before she sighed and turned to the trunk, grabbing her own bag and making her way towards the pathway, trying to balance her high heels on the icy driveway.

"Well, you look like a million dollars," Nancy stated from the porch.

"Don't ask," Addison rolled her eyes.

"It's been awhile," Nancy said, reaching out to hug her tightly. "How are you?"

"I'm alright," Addison sighed. "Been pretty busy."

"So I've heard," Nancy said as Addison followed her into the house. "Kath says you and Derek are having some problems."

Addison rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm glad that the entire family knows about our marriage troubles," she said.

"Hey, I'm just repeating what I heard," Nancy defended. "What's going on, Addie?"

"I don't know," Addison shrugged. "Can we…upstairs? Before everyone is everyone, do you think we could talk for a little while?"

"Sure," Nancy said. "Leave your suitcase by the door, Derek will get it."

Addison silently climbed the stairs in front of Nancy, pushing the door to Derek's old bedroom open and standing uncomfortably in the doorway for a moment. She always felt awkward in Derek's room, as if they were still in high school and she was sneaking around with him. Plus the room boasted the personality of a man that she really didn't know anymore, and it frightened her.

"So what's going on?" Nancy asked, dropping onto the bed. "And where's Markie?"

"Mark's…his girlfriend broke up with her," Addison said.

"Mark had a girlfriend?" Nancy raised her eyebrows.

"Apparently," Addison sighed. She collapsed onto the bed beside Nancy, staring up at the ceiling.

"So what's going on with you and Derek?" Nancy asked.

Addison shrugged as she reached for a pillow, playing with the edges of it as she thought for a moment. "I don't know," she said. "After the whole baby thing, we just completely shut down. And now neither of us know where we are."

"Are you talking about it?"

"We went to the Hamptons a couple weeks ago," Addison said softly. "And we talked, but I'm not sure if it helped us or hurt us."

"Why would it hurt you?" Nancy frowned.

"Because," Addison paused, taking a deep breath. She and Nancy were good friends, she'd met Derek through his sister. But she was Derek's sister, and she couldn't tell Nancy the entire story. Because Shepherds stood up for one another, and she wasn't sure she could handle Derek's house without Nancy's support. "Neither one of us know if we're in love with each other anymore."

Nancy was silent for a long moment before she shifted to sit up. Addison met her sister in law's eyes as she leaned over her, and after a moment Nancy asked, "You fell out of love with my brother?"

"I don't know," Addison sighed. "I love him, Nance. He's a great man, and we've had so much fun together. But now…now I don't know if we're in love anymore."

Nancy sighed as she glanced at the ceiling. "Marriage is hard, Addison," she stated.

"Thanks, Nance," Addison rolled her eyes, pushing herself off of the bed. "So glad that you could help."

"I'm not trying to be sarcastic," Nancy said. "It's true. And you have to work. Derek loves you, I know he does. You two are good together, and maybe you're in a rut right now, but you can work things out."

"You really think so?" Addison asked.

"If you both want to."

Addison sighed as she leaned back into the pillows. "That's the problem," she whispered. "I don't know if we want to."

XXXXX

A wide smile spread across Derek's face as he walked through the back door to his mom's house, his niece Kirsten in his arms, several other children pouring in behind him. He'd spent a good hour playing with them in the snow, and although his good overcoat was now covered in mud and his hair was a mess, he didn't care.

Because he was home.

"Let me down, Uncle Derek!" Kirsten cried.

Derek laughed as she squirmed in his arms. "What if I want to cuddle with my favorite six year old?"

"I gotta go potty!" Kirsten cried.

"Fine," he sighed dramatically. "But I think I need a kiss first."

Kirsten giggled as she leaned in, pressing a sloppy kiss to his cheek before he set her on the ground. He laughed as he watched her run after her cousins, and a moment later his mother entered the kitchen. "Derek," she smiled as he shrugged out of his coat, hanging it on the hook by the door. "I didn't hear you come in."

"I was outside with the kids," he said as he hugged his mother tightly. "It's good to see you, Mom."

"You too, sweetheart," she said, holding him tightly. "Where's Addie?"

"She ran off with Nancy," Derek sighed, pulling out of his mother's arms to move towards the fridge.

"The two of them had always had a special bond," Carolyn nodded slowly, settling herself on a stool at the counter. "How are the two of you doing?"

"We're fine," Derek replied automatically.

"Really?" Carolyn raised her eyebrows. "Because when I was in the city in October and had dinner with the two of you, you barely said two words to each other."

"Mom," Derek sighed, pouring a beer into a glass. "We're fine."

"Okay," Carolyn said. "Your nieces and nephews have been very excited to see the two of you."

"They should be," Derek laughed. "We have the best presents."

"Don't be arrogant," Carolyn chastised. "Now what is this nonsense I hear about Mark not coming?"

"I guess he was seeing someone," Derek shrugged. "She broke up with him, he didn't feel like being around the chaotic Shepherd family Christmas this year."

"Poor Mark," Carolyn shook her head. "That boy really needs to settle down."

Before Derek could say anything else, Nancy and Addison appeared in the doorway. He smiled as he stood to greet his sister. "Hey Nance."

"Hi baby brother," she smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Long time no see."

"Yeah, we've been busy," Derek sighed as he pulled back. "How are you?"

"I'm good," she nodded, glancing at Addison. "But I think the more important question is how are you?"

Derek glanced at Addison, frowning when he saw her eyes rimmed with red. "Have you been crying?" he asked.

"I'm fine, Derek."

"Okay," he said before turning back to Nancy. "I'm good. We've got this new program in the practice with Columbia where we're letting promising med school students do clinicals with us."

"That's great," Nancy said. "The practice must really be taking off."

"It is," Derek smiled. "We're doing really well, and I think Mark's practice is…"

The sound of shattering glass interrupted him, and he turned to see Addison kneeling on the floor, picking up the shards of glass that were scattered all over the floor. "I'm sorry," she sighed. "I don't…I'm sorry."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Derek frowned as he knelt down to help her clean up the glass.

"I'm sure," she sighed. "Just…tired. I'm going to go close my eyes for a few minutes before dinner."

"Are you feeling alright, dear?" Carolyn asked.

"I'm fine, Carolyn," Addison sighed, replacing the lid on the trash can. "I'm just tired. I'll be down later."

Derek watched his wife disappear up the stairs, wondering exactly what was going on with her. As he turned to ask his sister exactly what the two of them had talked about, he felt her hand coming into contact with the back of his head. "Ow!" he cried. "And you wonder why I don't see you more often."

"You're an ass," Nancy frowned.

"Nancy," Carolyn warned. "Be nice to your brother."

Nancy rolled her eyes as she grabbed Derek's hand, pulling him into the dining room. "Why aren't you trying with Addison?" she demanded.

"What?" Derek frowned.

"You told her you don't love her anymore?" Nancy demanded. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I said that I didn't know if I'm in love with her," Derek defended. "And she doesn't know either."

"She only said that because she didn't want to seem desperate if her husband fell out of love with her!" Nancy insisted.

"Look, my marriage is none of your business," Derek sighed. "We're waiting until after Christmas to talk about things."

"You and Addison are perfect together!" Nancy insisted. "What is there to even talk about?"

"We need to think about where we are, if we're still happy with each other."

"And what if you're not?" Nancy asked. "It's not like you're going to get a divorce."

Derek blinked in surprise as he looked at his sister. He hadn't really thought about what would happen if he and Addison wouldn't be able to work things out. Divorce…he never thought he'd be the one to suggest divorce. He and Addison had been so happy for so long, and then things had gone bad. But somehow he'd always thought that they would be able to work things out, he'd never even considered divorce until now. And to be perfectly honest, the idea made him a little nauseous.

Finally he shook his head and moved towards the door. "It's Christmas, Nance," he sighed. "Can we talk about this another time? Or…never?"

"Look, Addison's my sister," Nancy said. "I just want to make sure that everything's okay with you too."

"Addison's your sister because she's married to me," Derek said. "And if we want your opinion on our marriage, we'll ask for it."

"Derek," Nancy sighed. "I just…I love both of you. And I want you both to be happy."

"Thanks, Nance," Derek smiled. "We'll be okay."

"Good," Nancy said, squeezing his hand. "I think I just heard our favorite older sister pull up."

"Great," Derek sighed. He hadn't spoken with Kathleen since she'd run into him and Meredith a few weeks earlier, and he knew that if she'd told Nancy what she'd seen he would have just gotten an earful. He could only hope that the rest of his family wasn't aware of the conversation they had had in his kitchen that night. "I'm going to go check on Addie."

Nancy smiled softly. "Good job, Derbear," she said. "She just…she misses you. She wants you to be there for her."

Derek nodded. "I know," he sighed before he turned and pushed the door open, making his way up the stairs. Addison was curled up on his bed, her back facing him, and he took a deep breath before he slid onto the bed beside her. "Are you okay?" he whispered.

She was silent for a moment before she turned over to face him. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I guess I'm just not in the Christmas spirit today."

"We love Christmas," Derek said softly.

"I know," she smiled. "I'll be myself tomorrow, I promise."

Derek sighed as he looked down at her for a moment. "How about I cheer you up with an early present?" he asked.

"Derek," she sighed. "I really…I don't need early presents. I can wait until tomorrow."

"This isn't a material gift," Derek said, reaching down to take her hand. "I need to apologize."

"Apologize?" Addison frowned.

"For not paying attention to you," Derek said. "Being caught up in work, and before that, just…for being absent. I'm sorry, Addison. And I promise that we're going to get better. Back to the way we were."

"The way we were?" Addison whispered.

"When we first got married," Derek said.

"Derek," she smiled, sitting up as a wide smile came over her face. "That's the best present that you could possibly have given me this Christmas."

"Does that mean I can return the rest of them?" Derek smiled.

"Of course not," she giggled as she leaned forward to kiss him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," he sighed. He looked at her for a moment before he whispered, "I love you."

"Oh," Addison breathed. She looked down at her hands for a moment before she whispered, "I love you too."

The words sounded slightly hollow, but he dismissed it, attributing it to the fact that he had been over analyzing everything that she had said and done in the past week. But they were going to get back to normal, there was no way that the past ten years of their lives had been a waste.

"Are the rest of your sisters here yet?" Addison asked.

"Kath is," Derek said. "Liz probably won't be here until later, coming all the way from Maine."

"Hmm," Addison said as she slid out of bed, reaching for her suitcase and running a brush through her hair. "I'll go see if your mom needs help with dinner."

"You?" Derek raised his eyebrows.

"I cook!" Addison cried.

"Right," Derek laughed. "You might want to ask Nancy what happened to her last time you cooked."

"That was not my fault," Addison rolled her eyes. "And I'll prove it."

"If Mom lets you in the kitchen," Derek laughed.

Addison rolled her eyes before she pressed a kiss to his cheek and moved out of the room. He sighed as he leaned back into the pillows. He felt better somehow, and they would do it. They would make it back to when they were first together, when things were better.

**I hope you all enjoyed this update. I know you all have some pretty strong opinions about this story, and I really value your opinion, which is why I'm going to ask for your help. I have two possible ways that I see this story going, and I can't decided which would be best. Since I don't want to ruin the story for anyone who doesn't want to be spoiled, please PM me if you want to help me decide which direction the story should go. Thanks so much for your help, and I hope you're still enjoying this story :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you so much for all of your ideas and encouragement! I really appreciate it, and I have a much stronger outline for the story now, one I think you will all enjoy. And just to make it clear, this is a MerDer fic all the way, and it's coming! Just be patient, and I promise that it will be worth it :)**

"That sounds good," Derek said into his phone as he unlocked the door to his house, dropping the keys on the table beside the door. "Thanks Richard…yeah, I'll see you tomorrow afternoon."

Addison looked up from the chart spread out in her lap in curiosity as Derek hung up the phone. "Hey," she said, causing him to turn to look at her. "Is Richard coming into town?"

"No," Derek shook his head. "I'm going out to Seattle."

"Seattle?" Addison frowned as he settled on the couch beside her.

"Yeah," Derek said with a smile. "He needs me for a consult."

"Oh," Addison nodded slowly.

"Yeah," he said, examining her expression closely. "Is…is that okay?"

"I can't tell you what to do, Derek," she shrugged.

"But you don't want me to go," Derek stated. "Why, Addison?"

"Derek, you're flying across the country for a consult without even telling me," Addison stated. "I just…I feel like things are getting better. But how are they going to stay that way if you don't tell me things."

"I'm telling you right now," Derek sighed. She was right, things had been better between them lately. But he could feel another argument coming, and he couldn't help but think that it was going to be a big one.

"How long are you going to be gone?"

"Until the patient's stable," Derek shrugged. "Probably two or three days."

"What about the Sawyer's cocktail party on Friday?" Addison asked.

Derek sighed as he looked up at the ceiling. "I hate those things, Addison, you know that," he said.

"So you're going all the way across the country to leave me to go alone?" Addison frowned.

"Addison, if I don't go, this patient is most likely going to die," Derek stated. "You want me to let a person die so I can go to some stupid cocktail party?"

Addison sighed as she reached for the glass of wine that was sitting on the table. "You're right," she said. "I'm sorry, I guess I'm just in a weird mood lately. And I do wish that you would have at least told me."

"This is me telling you," Derek rolled his eyes. "And people get it. If I'm away on a consult, they understand why you have to go alone."

"I'm not going to go alone," Addison sighed. "And I haven't been feeling well, it might be good to have the house to myself for a couple days to catch up with my sleep and everything."

Derek examined her closely. "Are you sure you're okay with this?" he asked.

Addison shook her head slightly. "I can't not be okay with it, right?" she shrugged. "You're going to save a life, Derek. That's your job. And I…I can't tell you not to go."

Derek nodded slowly as he reached for her hand. "I'm sorry if you're upset about this," he said. "I really thought you'd be okay with it."

"I'm fine, Derek," she said, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. "I'm going to go call Karen and cancel."

"Don't cancel," Derek shook his head. "I might be back by then. If I'm not, take Mark or something."

"Mark?" Addison repeated. "You want me to take Mark to a cocktail party?"

Derek laughed slightly "That could be completely entertaining," he said. "I'll call him, see if he'll do it as a favor to me."

Addison nodded slowly. "Okay," she said. "I…I'm tired, Derek, I'm going to go to bed."

Derek frowned as he looked at the clock. "It's nine thirty," he said.

"Early surgery," Addison said. "Good night, Derek."

Derek leaned into her kiss, squeezing her hand before she walked out of the living room, making her way towards the stairs. He leaned back into the cushions, completely not having expected her to be so upset about him leaving town for a couple days. They'd both been sent on consults and conferences in the past. It was rare, but it was part of their job. And now that they were both becoming better established attendings, their names becoming more established, he knew that it was going to be happening more, so he didn't see why it would really be a problem for him to go to Seattle for a consult for their former resident.

Things had been a lot better for them over the past few weeks. Since Christmas things had improved drastically, with dinner dates and lots of talking. He actually felt good about his marriage right now, so maybe this was a bump. It was still flu season, Addison might have been coming down with something to attribute to her weird behavior.

He would go to Seattle. It would be good to catch up with Richard, to spend some time in a hospital like he had in his residency, and then he'd come home to spend the entire weekend with his wife.

This was his life, and he had to be okay with it.

XXXXX

"I just don't see what's wrong with New York General," Lexie frowned from where she sat on Meredith's bed, watching her sister throw clothes into a suitcase. "Or even Boston."

"Well, my mother works in Boston for one thing," Meredith said. "And here…I love New York, Lexie, but I can't stay here anymore. Once I graduate…that's it. This city is too small."

"You know it's one of the biggest cities in the world," Lexie stated. "And Seattle is like…one one hundredth the size of New York."

"Right," Meredith rolled her eyes. "But in Seattle I won't spill coffee on stupid brain doctors with perfect hair and evil wives. And then he won't tell me that we can't be friends anymore, and I won't see him everywhere I go."

Lexie smiled sympathetically. "You still run into him a lot?" she asked.

"I don't know what it is," Meredith said. "He's everywhere, all the time. And I can't let him see me, because he's completely in love with his stupid wife, and I just…I don't know why I can't stop thinking about him."

"Maybe it's because you're not letting yourself not think about him," Lexie pointed out.

"I see him everywhere I go," Meredith sighed. "You know I actually left an entire full cart of groceries in the middle of the dairy aisle because I saw him looking at the goat cheese. Seriously, I mean, who even eats goat cheese?"

"I'm guessing his wife," Lexie sighed. "Look, Mer, have you even gone out with another guy since you've met him?"

"No," Meredith sighed. "I'm not you, Lexie. I don't date guys. I sleep with them."

"And since I've been getting full nights of sleep, I'm assuming that that hasn't happened either."

"I'm not that loud," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Whatever that's not the point," Lexie said. "He's married, Meredith. Married. And you haven't talked to him in nearly two months. You just need to get him out of your mind, you need to move on."

"Move on," Meredith stated. "I…Lexie, I felt things for him that I never thought I would ever feel. Ever."

"I know you liked him, Mer," Lexie said. "But there are lots of guys out there. Unmarried ones."

"I know," Meredith smiled. "And in Seattle…maybe I'll see if I can find a good bar there. Pick up a guy or something."

"I…I guess that's good," Lexie said. She glanced down at her watch before she said, "We should leave for the airport."

"You really don't have to take me to the airport," Meredith said as she pulled a denim jacket on over her sweater. "I can get there by myself."

"Meredith, you're going on a job interview," Lexie stated. "For one of the best surgical internship programs in the country. Of course I'm going to take you to the airport and make sure that you get off okay."

"Thanks, Lexie," Meredith said, grabbing the suitcase. "Let's go."

She slid into the cab beside Lexie, hugging her jacket close to her as she looked out the window. She'd never thought that she would go back to Seattle, to the place where her parents had ruined her life forever, but right now, being all the way across the country from New York City and Derek Shepherd sounded completely perfect.

She saw him everywhere she went. And now she just wanted to be far away from him, to never see him again so that she could stop imagining what it would be like to kiss him, to run her fingers through his hair and wonder what it would be like to be a stable, happy person with him. Which was why she was interviewing for an internship position in Seattle.

She had to stop missing him.

XXXXX

"Call me when you land," Addison's voice traveled over the phone as Derek made his way through the terminal towards his gate. "I'm sorry I couldn't see you off."

"It's okay, Addie," Derek said. "I'll talk to you soon. Good luck in your surgery."

"Thanks," she said. "Bye, Derek."

"Bye," he said, shoving his phone into his pocket with a sigh as he adjusted the strap of his bag on his shoulder, trying to ignore the fact that neither one of them had even said I love you. Maybe they didn't need to say it everyday, but they usually said it when one of them was leaving. But now…now things were still not all the way right between the two of them, and he wasn't what else he could be doing to make his marriage work.

"Crap!" he heard a familiar voice exclaim, and he turned to see Meredith Grey standing in front of a coffee shop, the contents of her purse spilled out in front of her. He shook his head slightly, unable to believe what the universe had in store for him. "Meredith," he breathed, the words leaving his mouth before he even thought about it.

Her head snapped up in confusion and when she saw him her eyes hardened. "Seriously?" she asked.

"I…what?" Derek asked.

"You're really here?" Meredith asked. "Because I'm here, on my way to a job interview, because I see you everywhere. And we can't even be friends because you're married and she doesn't like me. But you're here, which is probably some horrible awful joke that really isn't funny."

"You're moving?" Derek frowned.

"Yes. No. I don't know, but it's none of your business."

"Meredith," he frowned as he crouched to help her pick up the spilled contents of her purse, and for the first time he realized how much he must have hurt her. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" she asked.

"For not standing up for our friendship," he said. "I…Mer, I love being friends with you. You understand me better than anyone else in the world, even Mark. So I'm sorry that I didn't stand up for that, for you."

"Oh," she said softly, dropping the lip gloss that was in her hands. "Thank you."

He smiled as he scooped up the last of the packages of gum and handing them to her. "Are you okay?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah," she breathed. "I'm fine. Just nervous. But I'll be okay, so…go ahead and get to your gate or whatever before your wife sees you talking to me."

"Addison?" Derek frowned.

"Yeah," Meredith said. "You're going on vacation or something with her, right? That's why you're at the airport."

"Oh," Derek shook his head. "No, I'm on my way Seattle for a consult. Addison's at work."

"Seattle," Meredith stated.

"Yeah," Derek said. "Where are you headed?"

"Well, since the universe seems to hate me," Meredith sighed. "Seattle."

Derek couldn't deny the excitement that ran through him at the realization that he and Meredith would be on the same plane to Seattle. "Well, since there is some kind of cosmic plan that wants us to both be in Seattle right now," he said, holding up his ticket. "Dare I ask what your seat number is?"

"10C," Meredith said. "And…let me guess, you're in 10D."

"Good guess," he laughed as they arrived at their gate.

"Someone hates me," Meredith sighed.

He frowned as she dropped into a seat, her eyes still somewhat hard and…lonely. She looked lonely. "What's going on with you, Mer?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said. "I have my interview with the chief this afternoon, and I'm nervous. I get crabby when I'm nervous."

"Or hungry," he supplied. "Or tired. Or mad."

"Shut up," she reached to slap his shoulder, but giggled anyways. "I don't…he worked with my mom when she was a resident, and I don't want him to think that I should get in just because of her."

"Your mom was a doctor?" Derek asked.

"One of the best," Meredith sighed. "Think about it, Derek."

He was silent for a moment before realization suddenly dawned over him. "Your Ellis Grey's daughter," he stated.

"By blood only," Meredith sighed. "She wasn't much of a mom."

"Oh," Derek said carefully. "I'm sorry."

She shrugged. "It's okay," she said. "I learned how to take care of myself early in life."

"Right," Derek nodded slowly. "So…you're going to Seattle next year?"

"It's the number two teaching hospital in the country," Meredith shrugged. "Some of the best surgeons are staffed there, so…it would be good."

Derek nodded slowly. He and Meredith hadn't interacted much in the past couple months, but he had been strangely exhilarated at the fact that he could run into her at any moment even in a city as big as New York. And now she was going to be all across the country, and he wasn't sure that he was okay with it.

"They'd be lucky to have you," he finally said.

Before Meredith could respond, their seats were called to board, and they focused for a few minutes on getting onto the plane and settling into their seats. Once they were seated and waiting for the plane to take off, Meredith turned to look at him carefully.

"How is she?" she asked softly.

"Addison?" Derek asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah," Meredith said. "I know that she doesn't think that we should be friends, but we have a long flight, so we might as well talk or something."

Derek smiled. "We can still be friends," he said. "You're…one of the best friends I ever had."

"Don't be corny," Meredith said. "But seriously, how are things between you guys?"

"They're…okay," Derek shrugged. "We've actually been a lot better lately. Getting along, laughing like we used to. But there's still something off."

"Off?" Meredith frowned, and Derek sighed as he felt it again. There was something about Meredith that made him want to tell her everything about himself and what he was feeling.

"It's more like we're friends," Derek said. "Not husband and wife."

"Friends?" Meredith asked. "Like we're friends?"

Derek shook his head. "No," he said. "It's…with us it's different. It's like we know each other, we can really talk about ourselves."

"You can't do that with Addison?" Meredith asked.

"No," he shook his head. "With Addie…it's like we're friends but we can't really be ourselves. I guess I feel like I have to put on an act around her, like I have to be who she's expecting me to be. We've both changed, but we haven't changed into a couple that works together. And I have no idea how to get us out of this…kind of plateau that we're stuck in."

Before Meredith could say anything, the engines roared to life, and Meredith grabbed tightly onto his arm. He frowned as he looked at her with a concerned expression. "You okay?" he asked.

"I hate flying," Meredith breathed, her eyes squeezed closed as she gripped her hand. "Just…taking off and landing."

"It's okay," he smiled softly, offering a hand squeeze. "Just…think of something that makes you calm."

Meredith swallowed hard as the plane lifted off the ground. Derek hadn't ever seen her show any real vulnerability before, and he couldn't help but feel a desire to help her feel better. He continued to whisper soothing words to her until the plane leveled off and she began to relax. Her hand remained nestled in his and he didn't make any moves to disentangle the fingers that felt so completely perfect tangled with his.

"Sorry," she whispered, turning her head to look at him carefully.

"Don't be," he said, offering her hand a tight squeeze. That seemed to bring to her attention the almost intimate feeling of their fingers tangled together, and she quickly drew her hand back into her lap. He took his own back, trying not to miss the feeling of her hand in his. "Are you okay now?" he asked.

"Until landing," she said. "As long as there's not any turbulence."

"Good," Derek offered her a smile as se yawned widely. "Tired?"

"Yeah," Meredith sighed. "Lexie kept me up all night. She's really upset that I'm thinking of leaving New York, and then she went on a huge rant about how if I was going to move to Seattle, then the least I can do is stay with her dad."

"Who is your dad too?" Derek tried to recall.

"He was…" Meredith shook her head. "He poured my cereal. Until I was five. He's not my dad."

"Oh," Derek nodded. "Right."

"But I'm not staying with him," Meredith said firmly. "My mother's house is empty, so I don't need to stay with him."

Derek nodded carefully. "Okay," he said. "Well…if you're tired you should sleep."

"That was the plan," she said, reaching for the blanket she had tossed to the floor. "Derek?"

"Yeah?" he asked.

"I'm kind of glad that we ended up sitting next to each other."

He smiled as he watched her spread the blanket over herself. "Me too," he said.

"I'm going to go to sleep now," she murmured, her eyes falling shut.

Derek smiled as he watched her drift off to sleep, her chest falling in even, steady breaths. She was completely beautiful, and he wondered exactly what kind of karma it was that he had ended up sitting beside Meredith Grey on the way to Seattle.

Her head fell to his shoulder and he smiled down at her as a flowery smell washed over him. She was amazing, and he didn't realize until now exactly how much he had missed having her in his life.

"Would you like a drink, sir?" he looked up to see a flight attendant smiling down at him.

"No thank you," he said with a polite nod.

"And do you think your wife would like anything?"

"Oh," Derek said, looking down at Meredith. Her head was resting on his shoulder, and her entire body was leaning into him, it must have looked like they were traveling together. He should have corrected her, but he couldn't help thinking how nice it would be to pretend, just for a few hours, that his life was that simple.

"No, I think she'll be fine," he said.

"Alright," the flight attendant moved down the aisle, and Derek turned his gaze back to Meredith. In her sleep she had curled even closer to him, and her hand had unconsciously sought his. He smiled softly as he laced their fingers together, knowing that he probably shouldn't be doing this. But he couldn't help himself. There was a reason that Meredith Grey had been seated beside him on the plane, but he didn't want to analyze that right now.

He just wanted to hold Meredith as she slept, dreading their arrival in Seattle.


	9. Chapter 9

Derek smiled softly as his cab pulled up to the sidewalk in front of his brownstone. He'd had a successful surgery in Seattle, and enjoyed catching up with Richard the day before. His patient had recovered from the procedure flawlessly, and Derek had quickly turned his care over to the attending neurosurgeons at the hospital before catching the next plane home to New York.

He hadn't told Addison that he was coming home. She'd been so upset when she'd realized that he wasn't going to be able to go to the cocktail party with her, and he thought it would be nice to surprise her. She was probably already getting ready to go. Mark had volunteered to go with her, but she would be thrilled to know that he would be able to go with her.

Seattle had been completely amazing. It had been so long since he'd left the city that he'd forgotten what it was like to have a city that wasn't completely claustrophobic. Seattle was surrounded by so much nature, and he had wished multiple times that he had had more time in the city to enjoy the fishing and the ferryboats that were constantly running in the harbor. Meredith had been fascinated by the ferryboats. They'd had dinner that first night, after he'd examined his patient and she'd had her interview. She'd thought that it had went well, so he'd taken her out for dinner to celebrate her success before her early morning flight back to Seattle the next morning. He'd only wished that she had had more time to spend with him in the city, but he dismissed that desire as he unlocked the front door.

The light was on upstairs when he let himself into the hallway, and he slowly made his way up the stairs, hoping to stay quiet enough to surprise her. But as he reached the top of the stairs, he heard her moan loudly, followed by a gasp from a very male voice, and his heart stopped in his chest. She was sleeping with someone. In his house, in his bed.

He stood still for a moment, wondering whether he should confront her or leave and come back later. He finally decided to leave, and come back later to confront her. But as he turned to walk back down the stairs, his eyes caught on a very familiar jacket. A very male jacket. The jacket that he had bought Mark for his birthday last year.

And suddenly he felt sick to his stomach. It was Mark. Addison wasn't cheating on him with some random stranger, she was sleeping with his best friend, his brother. And what was almost worse was the fact that Mark sounded more than willing to comply with all of the requests Addison was screaming.

Before he knew what was actually happening, he was pushing the door to his bedroom open and trying to swallow the nausea in his throat as he saw Mark lying on top of Addison, their bodies tangled together with the sheets. Neither of them seemed to notice him for a moment before Addison moved her head to the side, Mark's lips trailing along her neck. And when she opened her eyes, they were glazed over for a moment before they seemed to focus on him, their eyes meeting for a moment that felt like an eternity before she pushed Mark off of her, wrapping the sheet around her body.

"Derek," she gasped, and Mark looked up to meet his eyes as well, his chest still heaving as he reached for the sheet to cover himself up, looking down at the sheets.

"Get the hell out of here," he said, his gaze meeting Mark's evenly as he ignored Addison's presence for a moment.

"Derek, look, I…" Mark trailed off as he met Derek's gaze, then nodded carefully. "I'll go," he said.

Derek frowned as he crossed his arms over his chest, not taking his eyes off of the naked couple in his bed. They both shifted uncomfortably for a moment before he cleared his throat, catching Mark's gaze again. Mark sighed as he shifted out of bed, reaching for his boxers and pants. "Derek," he said, standing to meet his eyes. "Look, I…."

"Get. Out."

The two simple words were filled with more anger than Derek could ever remember having in his life, and he knew that it was enough for Mark to surrender. "I'll go."

He walked out of the room silently, and a few moments later, the front door slammed closed. Derek turned to look at Addison, who had reached for a t-shirt and slipped it over her head and was standing before him with her arms crossed tightly over her chest. "Derek," she prompted softly.

He was silent as he continued to stare at her, wondering exactly what he should say to her. He wasn't sure that he'd ever felt so many emotions at once before. Anger, resentment, hurt…it was hard to choose which one would be the strongest emotion at that moment.

"Derek, please say something."

"Mark?" he asked. "Out of all the people in the world, you chose to sleep with Mark?"

"I'm sorry," Addison breathed. "I'm sorry, Derek, I just…I was lonely and you were in Seattle. He was here, and…I don't know."

Derek didn't say anything as he pushed himself off the wall and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Addison demanded. "Derek, we have to talk about this."

"I have nothing to say to you," Derek snapped.

"Derek, you can't just walk away!" she cried, trying to grab his arm. "Derek, please, don't leave, we can work this out."

"I can't even look at you right now," he shook his head as he pulled the door open.

"Derek," she snapped, slamming the door closed and edging her body between his and the door. "Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking."

"Get out of my way, Addison," he said flatly.

"Derek, please," she sobbed. "I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say, just please don't go. We can work it out, I promise."

"We've been trying to work things out," Derek snapped. "But if that led you to sleep with my best friend, I have nothing else to say to you."

"I'm sorry," Addison repeated. "Derek, I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that," Derek snapped as he pushed past her to get to the door. He was silent as he pulled the door open and stepped into the pouring rain. "I'm going to see Meredith," he stated before he slammed the door shut.

"Derek!" Addison opened the door after him, leaving it wide open as she chased after him in her bare feet. "Please, don't leave!"

He ignored her as he hailed a cab, climbing into the backseat and not looking back as he murmured Meredith's address to the driver. He knew Addison was watching him pull away, but he didn't want to look back as the image of the two of them wrapped up in a lover's embrace.

He really thought he was going to be sick to his stomach as the cab driver pulled up to Meredith's building. He threw some bills into the front and slid out of the cab, pausing briefly outside of her building as he felt the bile rising in his throat. A moment later he turned to the trashcan on the sidewalk, emptying the contents of his stomach as he remembered the way his wife had screamed his best friend's name.

When he was sure that there wasn't anything else to come up, he stood on shaky legs and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before he reached for the buzzer at Meredith's apartment number. It took a moment for him to get an answer, but after a long moment Lexie's voice came over the intercom.

"Lexie," he breathed. "Mer…is Meredith home?"

"Who is this?" she asked, confusion lacing her voice.

"It's Derek," he said. "I need…I need Meredith."

There was another long pause before the door buzzed, indicating that she had allowed him access to their building. He made his way to the elevator and then knocked on the door to her apartment. She flung the door open almost immediately, and her expression changed from excitement to concern when she laid her eyes on him.

"Derek," she gasped, reaching for his arm to pull him into the apartment. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"Mark," he gasped, allowing her to lead him to the couch and push him onto the cushions before she settled down beside him.

"Is Mark okay?" she asked.

Derek shook his head slightly. "He slept with Addison," he breathed.

Meredith inhaled sharply, and a moment later he felt her hand on his arm. "Derek, I'm sorry," she said softly. "Are you okay?"

"I honestly don't know," Derek said.

"What happened?" Meredith asked gently.

"I came home a day early from Seattle," Derek said. "My patient's recovery was textbook, so I left him with the attendings. There was this party tonight that Addison was upset about me missing, so I figured that I would surprise her. But when I got home…I knew what was happening. I knew she was upstairs with a man, and strangely, it wasn't that painful. Until I saw his jacket."

"Mark's jacket?" Meredith asked.

"I bought it for him," Derek said. "For his thirty fifth birthday, I bought him a brand new, expensive leather jacket. I never thought that he would let my wife rip it off of him before he fucked her."

"What happened after that?" Meredith murmured.

"I walked in," Derek said. "I don't know…I don't know why, but before I knew what was happening, I was standing at the end of my bed, watching as my best friend fucked my wife."

"And then you left?" Meredith asked.

"I kicked Mark out," Derek said. "But then Addison wanted to talk, she said that we could work it out. But I couldn't handle it, I couldn't even look at her. So I left, and this was the only place that I could come where I knew that you would be on my side."

"Derek, of course you can come here," she whispered, her hand moving from his arm to gently run through his hair. He closed his eyes, savoring the feeling. "Do you want a beer?"

"Do you have anything stronger?" he asked.

"Tequila," Meredith offered. "And…I think Lex might have some rum."

"I'll take tequila," Derek said, his hands shaking slightly.

"I'll be right back," Meredith said, disappearing for a moment before she returned with a bottle of tequila and two glasses. She poured him a glass and then one for herself, and he downed it quickly, ignoring the painful burn in his throat as the liquid slid down.

"I don't know what to do," he finally admitted.

Meredith didn't say anything, simply reached to fill his glass again before she returned her fingers to his hair. He wasn't sure why such a simple gesture made him feel completely okay, but he liked it, so he leaned into her touch. "The weird thing is," he said after a moment. "When I realized that she was sleeping with someone, I just didn't realize that it was Mark…I was almost relieved. Like it was an excuse for me to stop trying or something. But then I realized it was Mark. That's what really upset me. That she could do it with Mark. That he was willing to risk a friendship that has lasted over thirty years just for a good fuck."

Meredith's fingers moved to his cheek, and she turned his face to look into his eyes. "Derek," she breathed. "You don't deserve that. From either of them, you don't deserve to be treated like that. You're an amazing man, and you don't deserve any of that."

He stared at her for a moment, taking in the honest expression on her face and the way her beautiful eyes seemed to ache for him. Maybe it was the alcohol that gave him courage, or maybe it was the pain from being betrayed by the two most important people in his life that gave him the courage to do what he had wanted to do so long. Meredith's fingers were still moving in his hair, and he leaned forward to set his glass on the table, and then his lips were on hers, his hands moving to cup her face as he kissed her deeply. It took her a moment to react, but then he felt her kiss him back, he felt her arms wrap tightly around his neck as he pulled her closer to him.

His tongue found entrance to her mouth and their tongues dueled together as they continued to kiss passionately. She shoved him onto his back, laying her body over his as he stretched out on the couch, and after a moment he felt her pull away.

"Derek," she whispered, trying to pull away from him. "We can't."

"We can," he said, reaching up to tangle his fingers in her hair as he brought his lips to trail along her neck.

"Derek, we can't," she said more firmly.

"Meredith," he breathed, pulling back to look up at her as she panted slightly above him. "Please. I just…I need this."

She shook her head as she pulled away from him, straightening her shirt and pulling away from him. "Derek, you're hurting," she said. "You…I don't know what you're really feeling right now, but you're hurting. We can't do this. Maybe…I mean, if you feel better later or in a couple weeks, we can talk about it, but…we can't. Not now."

Derek sighed as he sat up as well. "You're right," he said softly. "I'm sorry, Mer."

"You don't have to apologize," she said as she dropped down onto the couch beside him. "You're a good kisser."

Derek laughed slightly. "You too," he said.

They were silent for a moment before Meredith reached for his hand, linking their fingers together and resting her head on his shoulder. And suddenly he felt a million times better in that one moment. "How are you feeling?" she asked softly.

"Better right now," Derek said. "But I have no idea what to do here, Meredith."

Meredith was silent for a moment before she whispered, "You have to talk to her."

"I know," he said. "But what am I supposed say? Am I supposed to say that it's alright? Demand a divorce? I have no idea how to handle this."

"Derek, you need to think about yourself," Meredith said. "What do you want?"

"I…I want to know why," Derek said. "It honestly didn't surprise me that she cheated. We were…we weren't going to work things out. We grew apart, and we should have realized it a long time ago. I just want to know why she had to do it with Mark."

"Only she can tell you that," Meredith smiled.

"How am I going to face her?" Derek asked. "How am I ever going to see Mark again? He's apart of my family, I don't know how I'm going to face them."

"Derek, think about you," she reminded him. "This is going to be really hard for you, you have to make sure that you take care of yourself."

"I know," he said, leaning down to breathe her in. This felt good, probably better than it should. And she was telling him to take care of himself, but he couldn't help wishing that she would be willing to take care of him. "I'm trying."

"Good," she said, pulling herself away from him and offering him a warm smile. "You can stay here tonight."

"Thanks," he sighed as he reached for the bottle of tequila, pouring him another glass. "I'm sorry if I interrupted anything, I just…I didn't know where else to go."

"You can always come here," Meredith said. "I'm going to grab you some blankets and a pillow."

"Thanks," Derek breathed, leaning back into the pillows.

She disappeared for a moment before she returned, depositing a pile of blankets onto the couch beside him. "So um… do you need anything else?" she asked.

"I don't think so," he said. "I just…I'm going to crash."

"Okay," Meredith nodded, looking down at him. "Let me know if you need anything. My room's the one on the left."

"Thanks," Derek said as he watched her move towards the door. "Meredith?"

"Yeah?" she asked as she turned back to look at him.

"I'm sorry," he said. "About the kiss."

Meredith stared at him for a moment before she walked back to the couch, uncrossing her arms as she leaned over the back of the couch, pressing her lips to his cheek. "Don't be sorry," she whispered. "I'll see you in the morning. I'll treat for coffee."

Derek smiled up at her, hoping that maybe, just maybe, she didn't actually regret the kiss. "Goodnight," he said.

"Night, Derek," she breathed, turning and disappearing into the room on the right, Lexie's room.

And then the apartment was silent, and he leaned into the cushions of the couch, trying to erase the image of Mark and Addison from his mind as he drifted into unconscious.

XXXXX

"I don't get it," Lexie frowned. "You haven't talked to him in months, and then he just shows up here because his wife was cheating on him?"

"Well, I didn't actually tell you this," Meredith said as she played with the edges of her comforter. "But I ran into him a couple days ago."

"In Seattle?" Lexie frowned.

"Well, in the airport," Meredith said. "And on the plane."

"You sat with him?" Lexie asked. "How come you didn't tell me this?"

"Because it wasn't a big deal," Meredith shrugged. "But I saw him, and he apologized for being so distant lately. And then I slept with him.

"What?" Lexie shouted. "You slept with him?"

"Shhh!" Meredith hissed, looking towards the door. "He's sleeping."

"You slept with him?" Lexie demanded.

"I didn't _sleep _with him sleep with him," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I fell asleep on his shoulder. In his arms. On the plane."

"Oh," Lexie nodded. "So…what else?"

"We had dinner before I left for the airport," Meredith shrugged. "And then I left. Now it's two days later, and he showed up on my doorstep a complete mess because the two most important people in his life betrayed him completely."

"And you're in love with him," Lexie stated.

"I'm not in love with him!" Meredith insisted.

"You so are," Lexie laughed. "Before I just thought that you were attracted to him, but now…now I know that you're in love with him."

"I am not!" Meredith insisted.

"Be quiet, he's sleeping," Lexie said with a smirk.

"Shut up," Meredith rolled her eyes. "And I'm not…he's a friend, Lexie. A friend. If you lived with your boyfriend and you caught him sleeping with someone, I would give you tequila and let you sleep on my couch."

"I don't think you'd make out with me and tell me that I was in a better frame of mind we could talk about what it meant," Lexie replied.

"What?" Meredith frowned. "You heard that?"

"I didn't mean to," Lexie shrugged.

"Really?" Meredith raised her eyebrows. "And what were you doing that involved not hearing?"

"That's not the point," Lexie rolled her eyes. "Meredith, you're completely in love with him."

"That's not true," she sighed, but she knew that her argument was completely weak.

"Prove it," Lexie replied.

"What?"

"Prove to me that you're not in love with him."

"He just wanted to have sex with me and I said no."

"You didn't want him to do something he'll regret," Lexie counter. "Not to mention that you didn't want your first time with him to be because he's upset about his wife."

"There isn't going to be a first time," Meredith insisted, but she knew that Lexie knew the truth.

"Lexie, it doesn't matter what I feel," he said.

"Yes it does," Lexie insisted. "You were just telling him to take care of yourself, but you need to take your own advice."

"Lexie, he's a complete mess because his wife cheated on him," Meredith said. "He doesn't feel anything for me."

"I think you're wrong," Lexie shrugged.

"Whatever," Meredith shrugged as she stood. "I'm going to bed."

"Good night," Lexie said as she reached for the textbook on her bedside table.

Meredith sighed as she stepped out of Lexie's room, pulling her sister's door shut behind her as she moved carefully over to the couch.

Derek was already asleep, and she swallowed hard as he looked down at him. He looked so broken, even in his sleep, and she knew that he didn't deserve it. He was a good man, and he deserved to be treated like one.

She slowly leaned down to stroke his hair, leaning in to press a kiss to his forehead as he slept. Then she pulled back and stepped away, knowing that she had to bury her feelings inside of her again. "Good night, Derek," she whispered as she made her way to her own bedroom.


	10. Chapter 10

This wasn't his house.

Derek blinked in surprise as he sat up on the couch, suddenly remembering that he was in Meredith's apartment. And then he remembered why he was in Meredith's apartment, and he felt the nausea rising in his stomach.

"Hey," he heard her voice from behind the couch, and he turned to see her standing in the doorway to the kitchen, looking completely adorable as she held a cup of coffee out to him. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," he sighed, reaching to take the coffee and taking her in. She was wearing a pair of leggings and a Dartmouth t-shirt, her head tossed in a ponytail on the top of her head. He loved how completely natural she looked. He'd been married to Addison for nearly eleven years, and she had still felt the need to do her hair and put make up on before she even ate breakfast.

Then she'd slept with Mark.

"Do you need something for the hangover?"

"I'm not hung over," he lied. He wasn't exactly sure how much tequila he had consumed the night before in attempt to erase the picture of Mark and Addison from his head.

"Here," Meredith said, handing him some Advil. "And you owe me a bottle of tequila."

"I didn't drink that much," he protested.

Meredith silently pointed to the table where he turned to see an empty tequila bottle.

"Okay, you had some too," he argued.

"I know," she laughed. "So I was going to make you breakfast, but then I realized that that might actually more sick."

"Don't worry about it, Mer," he sighed. "I'll just…grab something somewhere."

"No you're not," she said, grabbing his hand and pulled him into the kitchen. "Lexie owed me, so I made her make breakfast. All I have to do is put the pancakes on the stove and make sure that they don't burn."

"I think you can handle that," Derek said, touched by her efforts to make him comfortable.

"You'd be surprised," she sighed as she reached into the fridge and pulling out a plate full of fruit. "Help yourself."

"Thanks," Derek sighed as he sat down at the table. He watched her for a moment, finding her completely adorable as she concentrated on pouring the batter onto the stove, trying her best to make them perfect. "Mer?"

"Hang on," she said, flipping the pancakes and turning to look at him over her shoulder. "Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"I'm not going to let you starve, Derek," she shrugged. "It's no problem."

"No," he shook his head as he stood and stepped closer to her, reaching for her hand. "Thank you. For being here and taking care of me. I honestly…I have no idea what I would have done without you last night."

Meredith squeezed his hand. "Of course I'm here for you, Derek," she said. "Whatever you need."

"You have no idea how much that means to me," Derek breathed. "So thank you."

"You're welcome," she smiled up at him.

"One more thing," he smiled softly.

"Hmmm?"

"I think your pancakes are burning."

"Crap!" she turned away from him and immediately reached for the pan, pulling the black pancakes onto a plate. "This is so your fault."

He laughed as he stepped up beside her to take the spatula. "Allow me," he said.

"Are you sure?" she asked. "You're…I can do it."

"No offense, but I'd really rather do it," he laughed. "I make pancakes for my nieces and nephews all the time."

"Oh," she nodded as she stepped back. He could feel his eyes on her for a moment and a moment later she commented, "I bet you're a good uncle."

"Haven't gotten any complaints yet," Derek shrugged.

"You'd be a good dad."

Derek blinked back the sting of tears. He should have left Addison when she'd told him that she no longer wanted kids. Maybe that would have saved the past five years of his life, maybe even his friendship with Mark.

"I guess we'll never know," he finally said.

"Derek," she breathed, and then her hand was on his arm. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he sighed as he flipped a stack of pancakes onto a plate.

"What are you going to do?" she whispered.

"I have to see her," Derek said. "I have to get my stuff, I'm sure she'll be there."

"You're going to leave her," Meredith stated.

"I have to," Derek shook his head. "We've been trying to work things out for months, Meredith. Months. And now I find out that the entire time she was sleeping with Mark…how can I possibly forgive that?"

"You think it was more than a one time thing?" Meredith breathed.

"I had a feeling," Derek said, looking down at the sizzling pancakes. "That she was seeing someone, but I never thought it would be him."

"I think you're doing the right thing," she offered.

"Thanks," he sighed as he moved to the table, handing her a plate. "That helps."

"You can stay here," she offered. "Until you find an apartment or whatever. You can stay here."

"Thanks," Derek sighed. He wished he could stay here, with her, indefinitely. "I'm going to have to call a lawyer, talk to my family. They're going to be devastated."

"Derek," Meredith said. "You're getting ahead of yourself. Go back to your house, get the stuff that you need, talk to her. And then you can come back here and we'll do anything you want."

"Anything?" Derek raised an eyebrow.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Well, I'll brainstorm some ideas," he sighed as he leaned back into his seat. "Mer?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you go with me?"

Her fork clattered onto her plate as she stared at him for a long moment. "Derek," she breathed. "I don't know…"

"Please," he said, leaning in to stroke her hand. "I need you, Mer. It scares me how much I need you."

"I want to," she said, leaning into his touch. "I really want to be there for you, Derek, but it will create a whole new dynamic if I'm there. You won't be able to talk the way you need to if I'm there hovering in the corner of the room."

Derek shook his head. "Please come," he insisted. "You can wait outside if you're not comfortable. Or there's a coffee shop across the street. I just…I'm not sure of anything right now, Mer, except for how I feel about you."

"How do you feel about me?" she whispered, and he saw a sudden vulnerability in her eyes.

"I feel a million different things," he whispered, leaning in to brush his lips gently against hers. "But…I can't say any of them until I've ended things with Addison. I want us to talk, but I need to get this over with before we talk."

"Oh," Meredith nodded slowly, her fingers moving to trace her lips. "Okay."

"Will you come?" he asked.

"Derek," she sighed, squeezing his hand carefully. "Across the street. I'll wait for you across the street."

"Thank you," he breathed. Facing Addison seemed so much easier now that he knew Meredith would be close by to offer her comfort.

"You should shower," she said as she reached for his plate. "I have a bathroom in my room."

"Okay," he said, standing with her. "Thank you, Meredith."

"You don't have to keep thanking me," she murmured, not meeting his eyes. "You're my…well, I don't mind. At all."

He offered her one last smile before he disappeared into her bedroom, closing the door to her bathroom and leaning against the door, squeezing his eyes closed as he tried to suppress the emotions tearing through his body at the moment. Right now he had to focus on what he knew was coming today, he had to get through facing Addison again. And only then would he have a more clear picture of what his future would look like.

XXXXXX

The house was completely silent as he let himself in two hours later. He swallowed hard as he stood in the doorway, remembering that the last time he had stood here his life had been ripped out from underneath him.

He swallowed hard as he made his way towards the stairs. He really just wanted his clothes, some textbooks, maybe some old pictures of his family. He didn't care about the rest. Addison apparently wasn't home, and hopefully he could get the hell out of here before he had to face her.

"Derek?" her voice met him as he pushed the door to his bedroom open and he froze for a moment, unsure of what to do.

"I need clothes," he finally said as he made his way to the closet, not bothering to look at her.

"What are you doing?" she frowned, and he heard the sheets rustling as he pulled a suitcase down from the top shelf.

"Do you really think that I'm going to keep living here in the bedroom where you fucked my best friend?" he snapped, finally turning to look at her.

"No," she whispered, pain flashing in her eyes. "I know I don't deserve it, Derek, but… I'm sorry."

"It doesn't change anything," he said, stopping his movements.

"I know," Addison said. "But I'm still sorry."

Derek looked at her closely for a moment before he pushed himself off of the doorframe. "Get dressed," he ordered. "We need to talk."

"Oh," Addison breathed, and he saw a flicker of hope in her eyes. "Okay."

He slammed the door shut behind him before he made his way down the stairs to the office Addison had custom designed after they'd both started working in a private practice. His desk was on the far wall, hers perpendicular to it, and he immediately reached for the neuro texts he'd collected through his college years. He wasn't sure that he would ever need them, but they offered him some sense of comfort, and he wanted to have them.

As he stacked them on the desk, his eye caught on a wedding picture, and he picked it up for a moment, staring at the happy expression on both of their faces. At the time, that had been one of the best days of his life, even if the wedding had been far too big for his taste. He'd thought he'd been marrying the love of his life.

He rolled his eyes as he tossed the picture carelessly across the room to Addison's desk, ignoring the sound of breaking glass. Next he reached for the picture of he and Mark taken at a Christmas party the year before and threw that one harder than he had the first.

"Derek," her voice came from the door, and he looked up to see her standing awkwardly in the entrance to the room, her arms wrapped over her middle as she looked at him with a nervous expression.

"Don't even," he said as he slammed another book onto his desk. "You have no right to tell me not to make a mess."

"I wasn't going to," she shook her head.

He was silent for a moment before he asked, "Mark?"

"Why do you keep fixating on the fact that it was Mark?" Addison demanded.

"Because he was my best friend!" Derek cried. "He was the best man at our wedding!"

"So you don't even care that I cheated?" Addison cried. "You just care that it was Mark?"

"I never thought that you were possible of stooping that low," Derek shook his head.

"You were never here!" Addison said. "What was I supposed to do?"

"The only reason I was never here was because I had to be someone I wasn't when I was around you!" Derek insisted. "You tried to make me into some pretty boy."

"Mark was there."

"So you're saying I should be more like Mark?" Derek rolled his eyes. "Good. When the divorce goes through, you can marry him."

"He's been more of a husband to me in the past five years than you were," Addison replied.

Derek froze for a moment before he stated, "Last night wasn't a one time thing."

Addison swallowed hard as she looked down at her feet. "No."

"How long?" he asked after a long pause. She was silent, and he rolled his eyes. "Addison. How long?" His voice was gaining in volume.

"Since our anniversary."

"You've been fucking him since last August?" Derek asked in disbelief.

"Stop calling it that," Addison snapped.

Derek stared at her for a moment before he dropped into the chair behind his desk, running a hand over his hair. "What the hell happened to us?" he asked.

"I don't know," she sighed, tears filling her eyes. "But I'm sorry Derek. I'm so so sorry, and I don't know what I can do to ever make it up to you."

"I don't think you can," he breathed.

"So…this is it?" Addison asked.

"Did you honestly think it was working?" Derek asked, glancing at her as she tentatively approached him.

"No," she sighed.

"I…" Derek sighed as he thought back over the past year in his head. "I'm sorry too."

"For what?" Addison frowned.

"For being absent," Derek said. "Neither one of us were good to the other."

"I'm the one who had an affair," Addison said, looking at her feet in shame.

"Physically," Derek nodded slowly. "But I…I had an emotional affair. Even if nothing happened until last night…I was falling in love with someone else when I was married to you."

"Meredith," Addison stated.

"Meredith," Derek nodded, loving the way that her name sounded rolling off of his tongue.

"Are you…with her now?" Addison asked curiously.

"No," he shook his head. "I wanted to talk to you first. She deserves better than that."

Addison nodded slowly. "I hope she makes you happy," she said.

"Thanks," Derek said. "I…I have no idea how to do this."

"I guess we call the lawyers," Addison shrugged.

"Yeah," Derek agreed. He was silent for a moment before he shook his head. "Ten years."

"Ten years," Addison sighed. "I…I really did love you, Derek."

"Me too," Derek said. "I guess it's not enough for a marriage."

"I guess not," Addison said, shifting on her feet. "But…there's something that you should know."

Derek tilted his head to the side, what he could possibly need to know about her right now.

"I'm pregnant."

He blinked in surprise for a moment before his eyes immediately dropped to her stomach. Completely flat. Which meant…he couldn't remember the last time they'd slept together, but it had to have been before Christmas, which had been five months ago. He let out a strange sigh of relief as he realized… "It's Mark's," he stated aloud.

"Yeah," Addison said, her hand absently brushing over her belly. "He doesn't know, so please don't…"

Derek rolled his eyes as he reached for a box to dump his books into. "I don't think you're going to have to worry about me telling Mark anything," he said. "My lawyer will call your lawyer."

"Derek," she pleaded, grabbing for his arm. "You can't just end it like this."

"You're pregnant with my best friend's love child," Derek stated. "I think I have the right to end it however the hell I want to end it."

"Fine," Addison sighed, dropping his arm and turning away from him. "I'll go stay with him."

"Don't bother," Derek said. "You take the house. I can't even be in the bedroom without being sick to my stomach."

"Derek," Addison breathed.

"I can't do this," Derek shook his head as he moved towards the front door. "I'll come back for the rest of my stuff when you're at work."

"Fine," Addison sighed, moving towards the stairs. "Goodbye Derek."

He waited until he heard the bedroom door slam shut behind her before he looked around the foyer for a moment. "Goodbye Addison," he breathed.

He made his way across the street, stepping into the coffee shop and smiling as he saw Meredith sitting in an armchair in the corner, a book cracked open in her lap and her hands cradling a coffee cup that she sipped occasionally. As he laid eyes on her, he suddenly realized that nothing mattered. Addison, Mark…nothing mattered besides the adorable girl sitting before him as she sipped coffee.

"You better be careful," he warned as he dropped into a chair across a small table from hers. "You don't want to spill on anyone."

"Derek," her head snapped up as she met his eyes. Her gaze was concerned and curious as she met his. "How is it? What happened?"

"It's over," Derek said. "I'm going to call my lawyers this afternoon."

"Derek, I'm sorry," she whispered, closing her book. "Are you okay?"

"She's pregnant," he heard himself say without thinking.

Meredith immediately retracted the hand that had sought out his, and he was vaguely aware of her rambling. "Oh," she breathed. "Well, I guess you're going to be have to be friends or whatever because kids can't have parents who hate each other or they'll end up messed up. I'm living proof of that. And I know you want to be a dad, so I guess it's good, even if she is a huge slut…"

"It's Mark's."

That quieted her down. "I haven't slept with her in months," he added for good measure.

"Oh," Meredith said, and suddenly she was close, leaning in to press her lips against his cheek. "Derek, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," he breathed.

"It can't be okay," she whispered.

"Right now," he sighed, turning to look at her. "Everything is okay."

"Really?" she murmured, and he looked into her eyes to see the genuine love and hope swimming in her eyes.

"Really," he nodded. "Mer…we need to talk."


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry for the delay. I hope you guys enjoy!**

Talk. He wanted to talk.

Meredith gripped her coffee cup tighter in her hands, trying to process everything that he had just told her. He'd just left his wife after she'd told him that she was pregnant with his best friend's baby. She had thought that he would be completely upset right now, but the way he was looking at her…she wasn't sure why but she felt completely safe.

"Mer?" he asked, leaning forward slightly. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she shook her head slightly, shifting to pull her legs up under her. "You want to talk?"

"I do," he said, looking at her carefully for a moment. "I…I have no idea how to say what I want to."

That couldn't be good. "Just say it," she whispered softly.

"I realized something today," he said after a long pause. "I wasn't a good husband to Addison, I knew that. I knew that I was being a bad husband for a long time. But today for the first time I realized exactly how bad of a husband I was."

She frowned as she shook her head slightly. "I'm not following you," she said slowly.

"I told Addison that she wasn't the only one having an affair," Derek said softly. "Because even though you and I haven't slept together and we never even kissed until last night…I found myself falling in love with you when I was still married to her."

"What?" Meredith breathed, reaching to set her coffee cup on the table with shaking hands.

Derek swallowed hard. "I didn't realize it," he said softly. "I knew that I was attracted to you and that I liked spending time around you, but…I was married. I thought it was physical, and that it would go away. But I was wrong."

"And now?" she whispered softly, almost afraid to hear his answer.

"Now," Derek said, reaching tentatively for her hand, his gaze kept on hers. "I think I'm falling in love with you, Meredith Grey."

"No," she shook her head, grabbing her hand back and shaking her head fiercely. "No, you're not, Derek?"

"What?" his expression was a mix of confusion and disappointment.

"You can't fall in love with me, Derek," she shook her head. "I'm…me."

"I know," he said. "You're Meredith. You're completely adorable. You ramble, you eat way too much, you're determined to make yourself matter in the world. You don't admit it, but you love to let loose and have fun, especially if it involves acting immature. Your giggle is completely infectious, and your nose scrunches when you laugh. Your eyes take my breath away, and I love the way your hair smells like some kind of flower. And…" his voice trailed off as he stared at her, his eyes glazed over slightly as he offered her a small smile.

"And what?" she asked, wanting to hear what else he had to say. Because as much as she needed to fight this…she loved the things he was saying to her.

"And last night," Derek said. "When I was more hurt than I had ever been in my life, all I wanted was you. And you helped me feel better. The way you ran your fingers through my hair, the way you looked at me…everything you did was completely perfect, Mer. And I don't know exactly what I'm feeling, but…I know that it's stronger than anything I've ever felt before."

"Derek, you can't be in love with me," she said. "You just left your wife, and you just… you're in a weird place right now or whatever. You can't say things like that."

Derek stared at her for a long moment before he nodded. "You're right," he said. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she murmured. "I don't…I'm flattered, Derek, and I guess I have feelings or whatever too. But it's too soon."

"You're right," he said again. "But I have a question for you."

"A question?" she asked curiously.

"Yes," he said, offering her a small smile. "Would you like to go out to dinner with me on Friday?"

"Dinner?" Meredith asked.

"Yes," Derek nodded. "It's what people do when they're attracted to each other. Carbs in a basket, wonderful company…how can you say no?"

"A date," Meredith repeated.

"Yes," Derek said, his eyes narrowing as his face took over the gaze that completely captivated her. "A date."

"I don't date," she heard herself saying.

"What do you mean you don't date?" Derek frowned.

She sighed as she shook her head. "I've never dated a guy," she admitted softly. "I just…don't know how."

Derek nodded slowly, as if he was processing the information. She sighed as she looked down at her hands, wondering what he was going to say next. She didn't have much experience with good men. The closest she'd ever had to a relationship was sleeping with a guy two nights in a row. But Derek Shepherd was a good man. She knew that, but she didn't know how he would admit to a confession like the one she had just made.

"Okay," he said after a long moment.

"Okay?" she frowned.

"I'll teach you," he said, reaching for her hand.

"You want to teach me how to date?" Meredith repeated.

"Only if you want me to," Derek said. "I don't know much right now, Mer. My life was just completely ripped out from underneath me, but the only thing I know is that I feel like everything is going to be okay when you're with me."

Meredith blinked back tears at the honest words and the vulnerable expression on his face. "Okay," she whispered.

"Okay?" Derek raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to say more. She sighed as she glanced at the ceiling. The man was stubborn and infuriating, but there was something about him that made her want to comply with everything that he asked of her.

"Okay, I'll go out on a date with you on Friday," she breathed softly.

He smiled softly as he squeezed her hand. "Good," he said. "I promise you'll like it."

She returned his smile as she leaned forward to take her coffee cup again. "How are you?" she asked softly.

He sighed as he glanced upwards. "I have to tell my family tonight," he said softly.

Meredith raised her eyebrows. She hadn't even thought about the fact that Derek was going to have to explain the situation to his family. Growing up with an absent mother and a father who had abandoned her before she had even started school had left her without much family interaction, and even though she had bonded with Lexie in recent months she still forgot that other people had families that loved them.

"Do they like Addison?" she asked softly.

"They love her," Derek breathed. "We met through my older sister, they're not going to understand."

"She slept with someone else," Meredith stated. "What's hard to understand about that?"

"They're going to want me to forgive her," Derek sighed. "They…I don't know what it is. But they love having Addison as a sister, it's going to be so hard to explain this to them."

"I'm sorry," she offered, not knowing anything else to say.

"Thanks," Derek sighed as he looked down at his watch. "I should get going. Sunday afternoon traffic onto Long Island can get pretty bad. And I want to tell my mom before the girls. Hopefully she'll understand at least."

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Meredith felt her lips curling upwards. Derek caught her smirk and frowned slightly. "What?" he asked.

"I just never pegged you for a mama's boy," she said.

"I am not a mama's boy," Derek scoffed. "And don't peg me. I'm not peggable."

"You totally are," she giggled, glad that their slightly awkward conversation about dates and love hadn't kept them from the banter that they were so good at.

"I am not," he sighed as he reached for the box he'd set at his feet. "Is it okay if I crash on your couch again tonight?"

"Of course," she nodded. "Unless you don't want to, but it's totally fine with me. So just call me or whatever when you're back."

"Thanks," Derek said, standing and holding up the box. "These textbooks are yours."

"Trust me, the last thing I need is more textbooks," she said as she downed the last of her coffee and stood with him.

"You'll want them when you're studying for your boards," Derek assured her as they stepped onto the street.

"Probably," she said, looking down at her feet as they stopped. "Are you driving?"

"Yeah," he said, gesturing to the BMW parked across the street in front of his house. Or former house or something. "I think I have full rights to use the car."

"I agree," she said softly, looking into his eyes. "Good luck. With your family and everything."

"Thanks," he said, opening his mouth to say something else before he closed it again. "I'll see you later tonight."

"I'll have tequila waiting," she promised.

And with a laugh and one final wave, he'd disappeared, leaving her standing on the sidewalk, wondering exactly what she'd gotten herself into.

XXXXX

He couldn't do it.

As Derek sat in the driveway of his mother's house, the house he had grown up in, he wasn't sure that he could walk through the front door and tell her what had happened the night before.

He had no idea how many times he'd walked through the front door. It had been the door his father had carried him through when he was three days old, the door that he'd left for his first day of school, hobbled through on crutches after his motorcycle accident and snuck in with Mark in high school the first time he'd gotten drunk. There had been countless family dinners, holidays, and visits with his mom where he'd stepped through the front door when he'd passed through the doors without question. And he had opened that door one cold night almost twenty years ago to the worst news of his life, that his father had been killed.

The front door of this house represented where so many important moments in his life had happened, but he couldn't walk through it right now. He just couldn't get out of the car and explain what had happened to his mother.

"Derek?"

He jumped slightly as his mother appeared in the window, and he swallowed hard as he pushed the door open. His mother knew him too well. "Hi Mom," he said, pulling her into a hug and taking comfort in the motherly embrace that had always comforted him for as long as he could remember.

"I wasn't expecting you until later," Carolyn said, returning his hug. "Where's Addison?"

Derek swallowed hard as he tightened his arms around her even as she pulled away. He knew he'd been burying his emotions, that his excitement of no longer feeling any guilt over his feelings for Meredith had gotten in the way of really expressing how he felt about Meredith. But now, wrapped in his mother's embrace, it was okay to break down.

"Derek," she breathed, rubbing his back gently, instinctively aware that something was wrong. "What happened?"

He slowly pulled back from her, trying to control his tears as he looked down at her. "Can we go inside?" he asked, hearing his voice wavering.

"Of course," Carolyn said, leading him up the steps to the porch and into the living room, helping him out of his coat and setting it on the back of the couch before she took a seat beside him. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"Addison," Derek swallowed hard, trying not to choke on the words. "She cheated on me."

"Oh sweetheart," Carolyn sighed, reaching out to stroke his hair. He smiled slightly as he realized that her fingers were just as comforting as Meredith's. "I'm so sorry."

"That's not the worst part," Derek said, moving to lean his head against his mother's shoulder like he hadn't done in over twenty years. "I would be okay if she was sleeping with just anyone."

Carolyn winced slightly, as if expecting what he was about to say. "Derek," she whispered. "It wasn't…"

"Mark," Derek supplied.

Carolyn said nothing as she gently stroked his hair. "Are you okay?" she finally asked after a few moments.

"I'm not sure," he said honestly. "Our marriage…it was over a long time ago. And I wasn't innocent in this. I was absent, and I…I think I was falling in love with someone else."

Carolyn looked taken aback as he raised his gaze to meet hers. "You were seeing someone else?" she asked, her tone already shifting to disappointment.

"No," Derek shook his head. "We were friends. Nothing happened between us, physically at least. But I think I'm in love with her."

"You and Addison are getting a divorce," Carolyn stated.

"I'm sorry, Mom," he whispered. "I know you must be disappointed, but I can't…it was Mark. The best man at our wedding."

"I understand," Carolyn said softly. "I knew that boy would overstep his boundaries one day."

"And it was with my wife," Derek said softly.

Before Carolyn could respond, the front door opened and a group of kids ran into the living room. "Uncle Derek! Uncle Derek!"

Derek plastered a smile on his face as he pulled one of his youngest nephews into his arms. "Please don't say anything," he said softly to his mother before he turned his attention to the little boy in his arms. "Hey Jake! How's my favorite t-ball player?"

"I got a home run!" he announced proudly.

"Hi Mom," Derek turned to see Liz walking into the room, her one year old balanced on her hip. "Hey Derbear, I didn't think you were going to be here so early. Where's Addie?"

"Addison couldn't make it tonight," Carolyn supplied as she pulled her granddaughter into her arms. "And we're going to have the kids watch a movie once your sisters get here."

"Before dinner?" Liz frowned as she leaned over the back of the couch to kiss Derek's cheek. "You need to learn to shave, big brother."

"I have more important things on my mind," he murmured.

"Like being a big fancy neurosurgeon, we know," Caitlin sighed from the doorway. "Hi Derbear."

Derek sighed as he tightened his arms around his nephew. His sisters were definitely not going to take this as well as his mother had.

"You four," Carolyn said, pointing to her present daughters and their husbands. "Kitchen. Now. Derek and I will put on a movie for the kids and wait for the rest of your siblings to arrive."

"What's going on?" Shawn murmured to Liz.

"Derek's in trouble," she replied. "The last time we had a family meeting like this was when he got caught sneaking in after going to a party."

Derek sighed as he looked up at his mother, hoping that she would insist on some sensitivity from her daughters. He knew they were kidding, but he wasn't sure how much of their teasing he could take today.

"Elizabeth Theresa," Carolyn warned. "Kitchen now."

Liz's eyes widened at the mention of her middle name, but she grabbed her husband's hand and pulled him into the kitchen.

"Alright my dears," Carolyn was saying as Derek set the kids on the couch and moved to the doorway. "We're going to have some grown up time in the kitchen, so only come get us if it's a really big emergency, okay?"

"Kay Grandma," Jake said, his eyes already plastered to the TV.

"Come on, sweetheart," Carolyn murmured, taking Derek's arm and leading him into the kitchen. He sighed as he saw his sisters giggling together, a bottle of wine already open on the counter. Kathleen was standing by the back door, ushering her kids past him towards the living room, obviously having been informed of the emergency family meeting the second she'd entered the room.

"Derek," she said, meeting his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"We should wait for Nancy," he murmured. He couldn't bear to say the words more times than he had to. As he sank onto a barstool at the counter, he buried his face in his hands, unable to believe that it had only been a couple hours ago that he'd felt almost normal as he'd flirted with Meredith. Now he had more emotions surging through his body than he could ever remember feeling at once, and he just needed a release.

"I'm here," Nancy said, rushing into the kitchen. "What's going on?"

Carolyn rested her hand on Derek's shoulder as he took a shaky breath and looked up at her for a moment. "It's okay, Derek," she said softly. "They're your sisters."

Derek nodded as he took in the concerned gazes of the four women staring back at him. They'd teased him for his entire life, but his mother was right. They were his sisters, and although he wasn't quite sure when they'd turned from the little girls that used to hold him down to play hairdresser with his hair into strong women with loving families, he knew that if there was one thing that had remained constant during that change; they would always be there for him if he need them.

"Addison and I," he started, trying to find the words. "We're getting a divorce."

There was a long pause in the kitchen, the room completely silent as all four sisters stared back at him. Kathleen looked concerned, Liz's face showed one of sympathy, Caitlin was frowning at him with a confused expression, and Nancy's eyes were hard with something he couldn't exactly place.

"What happened, Shep?" Shawn finally asked, his brother in law reaching to squeeze his shoulder.

Derek sighed as he looked down at his hands, his wedding ring still resting on his left hand. He slowly slid it off, playing with it in his hands. "She slept with Mark."

Again silence filled the kitchen as everyone fumbled for something to say. After a long moment when he felt that he was going to explode if no one said anything, he shrugged slightly. "We were…it wasn't working," he said. "I think you all knew that."

"That doesn't make it okay for her to cheat," Liz said, moving around the counter to wrap her arms around him. "I'm so sorry Derbear."

"Thanks Lizzie," he said, wrapping his arms around his sister. She was barely a year younger than him, and they had always had a unique bond. He swallowed hard as he took comfort from her hug.

"What are you going to do?" Caitlin asked softly.

He shrugged as he pulled away from Liz, smiling as she cuddled into his side like she had when they were younger. He took comfort from his sister's closeness. "Get a lawyer," he said. "Find an apartment. Moving on with my life."

"Just like that?" Caitlin asked.

"Addison and I fell out of love a long time ago," Derek said. "Neither one of us wanted to admit it."

"I'm sorry, Derek," Kathleen murmured. "I…you know that I was never a fan of Addison. But I never thought she would do something like this."

"It's not that big a deal," Nancy frowned. "She made a mistake, yes. But it's Mark. It's not like it means anything. It was just sex."

"They're having a baby."

There was a loud crashing sound from the sink where Carolyn had moved to start to get dinner ready. Apparently he'd forgotten to mention that detail to her. "Pregnant?" she asked.

"Yeah," Derek sighed, sighing in relief as Liz tightened her arms around him.

"Are you sure…" Nancy stared at him closely, not sure how to phrase the question.

"It's not mine," he shook his head. "If it was mine…well, she'd probably have given birth already."

"Oh Derbear," Liz sighed as she rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks," he whispered, holding her close as he took comfort in her embrace. He strangely felt better since his sisters had seemed to understand. But he had to fight the urge to run out of the house in that moment, back to the city where Meredith was waiting to make him feel like a real person again.


	12. Chapter 12

This was ridiculous.

That was all Meredith could think as she stood in the middle of her bedroom wrapped in a towel, her clothes spread on the bed before her. This was completely and totally ridiculous. She didn't date. She was thirty years old and had never been on a date in her life, and now she had no idea what she was doing. And Derek would be here in less than an hour, so she was completely and totally screwed.

"Mer?" Lexie knocked on the door and poked her head inside. "Do you need help?"

"Yes!" Meredith almost shouted, a surprised expression coming over Lexie's face. "You've dated, right?"

"Um…yeah," Lexie nodded as she stepped into the room, ignoring the clothes on the bed and moving to the closet. She rifled through the clothes there for a moment before she pulled a deep purple dress. "Wear this."

"That's not too slutty?" Meredith asked, taking in the plunging neckline.

"Definitely not," Lexie said. "It's knee length, so you're not giving too much away. And the cleavage will drive him crazy, but it's not too much."

"Okay," Meredith sighed, taking the dress and stepping into it.

"I'll straighten your hair," Lexie offered, reaching to run her fingers through Meredith's tangled hair. "And do your make up if you want."

"Thanks," Meredith said, suddenly relaxing. "He said he'll be here at seven thirty."

"That's perfect," Lexie assured her, disappearing for a moment before she returned to the room with her hair straightener and a bag of make up.

"Can I ask you a question?" Meredith asked after she'd settled on the floor, Lexie perched on the end of the bed as she ran the straightner over Meredith's long hair.

"Of course."

"Should I sleep with him?" Meredith asked.

"Oh," Lexie said, stilling for a moment before the straigtner returned to her hair. "Do you want to?"

"I think so," Meredith breathed. "I mean…he's Derek, and he's all perfect and dreamy, with the hair and the smirk. But…he's still married or kind of married. And it's the first date, so I'm not sure what the rule is."

"I don't think you should," Lexie said after a moment. "It's the first date, you should just enjoy being with him. In a non sex way."

"Okay," Meredith said softly. She wanted Derek Shepherd. They'd spent a lot of time watching movies and talking over the past couple days, cuddling on the couch, and as she'd been wrapped in his arms, there had been moments when she had wanted nothing more than to have his hard body crushing her into the soft mattress.

But he was still hurting. She knew that he wasn't in love with Addison anymore, but that didn't mean that he was okay. He'd spent eleven years with her, and it couldn't be easy to end it, especially in such an abrupt, unexpected way. He needed time, and that was okay. They would just date and maybe she could experience a normal relationship like a normal person.

Except normal people weren't head over heels with a man who was starting a divorce process.

"Done," Lexie announced, reaching for a brush to smooth out her hair. "You have such beautiful hair."

"Thanks," Meredith sighed, standing as she reached for the make up. Lexie lingered on the bed, watching as Meredith applied her own make up.

"Where are you going?" she asked after a long moment.

Meredith rolled her eyes as she applied her lip gloss. "He won't tell me," she said. "Probably dinner."

"I'm sure he has a perfect idea," Lexie smiled as Meredith turned to her for approval. "You look wonderful."

"Thanks," Meredith sighed as she slid her feet into a pair of heels. "I feel stupid."

"You shouldn't," Lexie said. "Derek's going to love it."

"I hope so," Meredith whispered. She'd never felt this way before. She'd never wanted to look good for a man, never wanted to spend an entire evening with someone, especially if there wasn't going to be any sex involved. But she did for Derek, even if she had no idea what she was doing. She wanted to learn, and he wanted to teach her. So it would be okay. It had to be okay.

The buzzer sounded from the living room, and she quickly turned to her sister. "That's him," she said. "You're sure I look okay?"

"You look perfect," Lexie assured her as she pushed her purse into her hands. "Go let him in."

"Hey, it's me," Derek's voice came from the intercom and she smiled softly as she buzzed him up.

"Okay," she said. "Any last minute advice?"

"Here," Lexie handed her a stick of gum. "Eat this after dinner. That way when he kisses you you'll have fresh breath. Try not to talk about Addison or the divorce or your fear of anything having to do with families."

"Lexie," Meredith groaned.

"Right, sorry," Lexie said, collapsing onto the couch and watching as Meredith opened the door.

"You know you're staying here, you don't have to knock," she said as she greeted Derek.

"I do," he laughed. "It's our first date."

"So that means that you have to knock?" Meredith asked.

"Yes," Derek nodded, holding a small box out to her.

"What's this?" she frowned, hesitantly accepting it.

"Normally girls get flowers on dates," Derek said. "But I know you hate flowers, so I brought you something I knew you'd like."

"Chocolate," she giggled, a truffle already in her mouth.

"Exactly," Derek smiled, and she swallowed her chocolate as she took in the heat in his gaze. "You look…amazing."

"Thanks," she said, feeling her face heat as she took in his appearance. His hair was perfectly styled as usual, but he'd forgone the usual jacket and tie for a soft red button down shirt, open at the collar. He smiled softly as he took her in and she felt her knees weaken slightly. She couldn't have sex with him tonight, no matter how amazing he looked. "You look good too," she said softly.

"I know," he said with a smirk as he reached for her hand. "You ready to go?"

"Definitely," she said, reaching for her coat and slipping it on.

He took her hand again as she followed him into the hallway. When they were finally on the street she looked up at him and offered him a sweet smile as she asked, "Do I get to know where we're going?"

"Definitely not," he laughed, wrapping an arm around her waist as he pulled her to the side of the curb as he hailed a cab.

"Why not?" she asked, tucking herself into his arm. She liked feeling safe in his arms, and she wasn't sure that she ever wanted to let go.

"Because it's a surprise."

"I hate surprises," she informed him as she slid into the cab behind him.

"I know," he said. "But you're so cute when you're frustrated."

"I could go home, you know."

"You wouldn't," he laughed.

"I could if you don't tell me," she said.

"Just be patient," he laughed. "Are you okay with being outside?"

She narrowed her eyes as she looked out the window to see the cab slowing down in front of Central Park. "I'm definitely going home if you're taking me on some stupid romantic carriage ride through the park," she said.

"It's a good thing I knew you'd say that," Derek said, handing the driver some bills before he got out of the car, pulling her with him. It was then that she noticed the cooler bag

"What's in there?" she asked.

"You'll see," he rolled his eyes. "You know part of the fun of being on a date is the suspense."

"Derek," she practically whined as he pulled her through the park. "Where are we going?"

"Here," he said, stopping on a bench under a street light, a small pond illuminated by the moonlight. "We're having a picnic."

She blinked in surprise for a moment, not having expected him to do something so simple and so amazing at the same time. "A picnic?" she asked, a smile playing along her lips.

"I figured you would enjoy this more than dinner at a restaurant," he said as they sat down and he reached into the bag.

"Definitely," she said, smiling as he pulled a bottle of wine out of the bag. She held the glasses while he poured, then clinked her glass against his.

"To our first date," Derek smiled softly as he held her gaze.

"Our first date," Meredith smiled as she took a sip, then took the sandwich he was offering to her. "Did you talk to the lawyers today?"

"We're not going to talk about that today," Derek said. "Tonight…I'm not in the middle of a divorce. We're just a couple on a date."

"Oh," Meredith said as she fingered the sandwich in her hands. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Derek laughed slightly. "I just want to know you, Mer. That's what dating is all about."

"Okay," she said. "Do I get to know about you too?"

"Of course," he said.

She smiled as she nudged his shoulder with his own. "Guess what got mixed in with the textbooks you gave me?" she asked.

"What?" he asked, confusion etching his face.

"Your senior yearbook," Meredith laughed. "I see that you've finally mastered the art of hair gel."

Derek rolled his eyes. "That was fifteen years ago," he said. "And I figured it out in college."

"Obviously," she smiled as she reached up to run her fingers through the thick hair that was incredibly soft, despite the product he apparently put in it. "You have nice hair."

"It's better than nice," he said as he leaned into her touch.

She rolled her eyes as she pulled her hand away and reached for her wine. "Last time I ever try to compliment you," she sighed.

"Sorry," Derek said as he reached to pour her more wine. "I like that you like my hair."

She giggled as she looked up at him. "I think I like dating," she said.

"I'm glad," he said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "I think this is the best date I've ever been on."

She sighed as she leaned her head against his shoulder. "Can I ask you something?" she asked.

"Anything," Derek said, squeezing her gently.

"What are you going to do about the practice?"

She felt him tense beneath her, and she knew that it was something that he didn't particularly want to talk about in that moment. But she had to find out, she had to tell him before they let things get too far.

"I don't know," he said. "I worked hard getting that practice open, and I enjoy working with my colleagues. But the thought of working in the same building as Mark everyday…I don't know if I can do it."

"So you don't know yet," Meredith stated.

"I guess not," he said, his hand trailing up and down her back. "Why?"

"Because," she inhaled a deep breath, knowing that this was probably going to ruin the mood, but she had to tell him. "I'm moving to Seattle in July."

He was silent for a moment before he shifted her off of his shoulder. When their eyes met, however, he didn't look upset or angry; they were sparkling with happiness, and another positive emotion she couldn't quite place. "You got in?" he asked, excitement lacing his tone.

"I got in," she nodded, unable to stop the smile from spreading across her face. She often doubted that she was going to make herself into the kind of doctor her mother had been, but she had been accepted into thee same internship program, and she was proud of that fact.

"Mer, that's amazing," he said, leaning close to hug her tightly. "I'm so proud of you."

She closed her eyes tightly as she wrapped herself into his arms, allowing herself to feel completely safe like she always did when she was in his arms. "Thanks," she smiled as she pulled away. "But…I figured we should talk about it. Because that's four months away, but what happens at the end of those four months? What happens when I have to move across the country and you're here? We can't exactly do this from across the country."

He nodded as he squeezed her hand, his eyes darkening slightly. "We can't," he agreed slowly. "We'll figure something out, Mer."

"So you still want to do this?" she asked softly. "The dating thing?"

"I do," he said. "I don't how, but we'll figure something out."

"Okay," she said, biting her lower lip. "Because I want to do this. I want to date you and I want to be with you, but…maybe it should only be a fling or whatever."

"A fling?" Derek repeated.

"You know…just a thing for a couple months," Meredith said, trying not to choke on the words that were so painful to say. "We'll just have fun together and know that it's not going anywhere serious?"

"Oh," Derek nodded as he pulled away from her, breaking their gaze. "I…okay."

"Okay," Meredith said, looking at him carefully. "I'm sorry if I ruined the date."

It took a moment for his eyes to return to hers, but when they did they had their sparkle back. "You didn't ruin anything," he promised, reaching to lace their fingers together. "This is still the best date I've ever been on."

"Good," Meredith smiled, leaning her head against his shoulder again. He released her hand to wrap an arm around her shoulders, keeping her held tightly against him. And she closed her eyes, allowing herself to feel completely safe in his arms, knowing that she could stay like that forever.

XXXXX

It was hours later when she unlocked the door to her apartment, stepping in and allowing Derek to follow her before she closed the door behind them. She smiled up at him for a moment, wondering what exactly to say. "I had fun," she finally said.

"Me too," he said, taking her hands as he stepped closer to her, pressing his body against hers. She swallowed hard as a hand reached to cup her face, his own face coming closer. And a moment later, his lips were on hers, kissing her more softly she'd ever been kissed before. She allowed her body to lean into him, her arms wrapping tightly around his neck as she kissed him back. His tongue gently pried her mouth open, exploring her mouth as he held her tightly against him.

Long before she was ready, she pulled away from him, gasping for breath as she met his eyes, a hand moving to settle in his hair. "Wow," she murmured.

"Wow," he agreed, leaning down to rest his forehead against hers.

She smiled as she leaned up to press her lips against his again. She wasn't ready to move forward, and that scared her. There had never been a time when she'd kissed such an attractive man and wanted to wait for sex. But then she'd never felt the way she did in Derek's arms. As she buried her face in his neck, she wanted nothing more than to stay in his arms until the end of time.

"Derek?" she finally whispered, savoring the gentle way that his hands were trailing up and down her back.

"Hmmm?"

"I don't…you've been sleeping on the couch." She immediately kicked herself for not being able to bring up a subject like a normal person.

"I have," he said, his chest rumbling softly as he laughed. "It's a very comfortable couch."

"But you shouldn't have to sleep on the couch," she murmured. "We just had a date."

"Mer," he sighed, pulling back to look down at her. "I want to do this right."

"I know," she said slowly, not sure where he was going with this.

"And I…I'm still technically married," he said. "The papers are going to take a couple weeks to get processed. I don't want to do anything until that's taken care of."

"I understand," she said. "And that's one of the reasons I…that's why you're such an honorable man. But right now, I can't imagine trying to sleep without you next to me."

His lips twitched upwards into a smile. "You want me to sleep in your bed?"

"If you want to," she nodded, feeling a ramble coming on before she could stop it. "I mean, if you want to stay on the couch that's totally fine. But I just thought that it would be nice, even if we're clothed and keep it completely PG. I just thought…"

She was cut off by the amazing feeling of his lips against hers once again. "I'd love to sleep in your bed," he said.

"Oh," she said, slightly breathless. "Good."

"Shall we?" he asked, placing a hand on her back and guiding her across the living room.

Her heart pounded in her chest as she closed the door behind them, part of her unable to understand why she was nervous. They were just going to sleep, there wasn't anything to be nervous about. "You can have the bathroom first," she almost whispered as she kicked her heels off and moved towards her closet.

"Thanks," he said as he disappeared into the attached bathroom for a few moments. When he returned, she quickly brushed her teeth and washed her face before she stepped back into the bedroom, seeing Derek sitting on the edge of her bed.

"I didn't know if you had a side," he said, standing as she approached the bed.

She looked at the bed for a moment before she shrugged. "I usually just sleep in the middle," she said. "So…whatever side you want."

"Okay," he nodded, moving to the left side. She bit her lip as she wondered which side of the bed he'd slept on when he'd been married. She shook her head slightly and moved to his side.

"Can you unzip me?" she asked, turning her back to face him and holding her hair up.

"Oh," he said, his hands gently moving the zipper down. "Sure."

"Thanks," she said, stepping out of the dress and sliding into the bed in her bra and panties. "Is this okay?"

He swallowed hard as he looked down at her. "Yeah," he said, reaching to shrug out of his shirt. As he stripped down to his boxers, she couldn't help but notice how toned his chest was and the leanness of his body. And suddenly she was breathless, wishing that the divorce papers were already processed.

He scooted closer to her, and she turned to her side, pressing her back against his firm chest and lacing her fingers through his that were resting on her stomach. She giggled slightly as she felt his arousal pressing against her. "You're not ready, huh?" she asked.

"I can't exactly help it," he sighed, leaning forward to press his lips against her shoulder. "You're hot."

"Soon," she sighed, leaning into him.

"Soon," he echoed.

They were silent for a moment, and then she whispered his name into the darkness.

"Yeah?" he asked, his voice heavy as he squeezed her hand tightly.

"I had a really great time on our date."

She felt his lips form a smile against the skin of her shoulder. "Me too," he said. "We'll do it again."

"I can't wait," she whispered. "Good night."

"Night Mer," he said, pressing his lips against her shoulder once more before he stilled behind her. She laid awake long after his breathing had evened out, allowing herself to memorize the feeling of security she felt wrapped in his arms.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks for all the reviews, I'm really glad that you're all enjoying this story. I know some you are worried about the whole "fling" thing, but don't worry, I'm sure you're all going to be pleased with the resolution. I think you'll also really enjoy this update, so let me know what you think! And...10 points to any country fans who can identify the Keith Urban song title hidden :)**

Derek smiled as he opened the door to Meredith's apartment, a bottle of wine in his hands. He'd just come from his lawyer's office, and was officially a divorced man.

He and Meredith could really be together now, without any guilt or restrictions.

The past two weeks had been amazing. They hadn't been perfect, there had been several times when he'd remembered the feeling in his stomach as he'd walked into his bedroom to see Addison with Mark and wanted to curl up and die. But Meredith had been there for the panic attacks as well as all the good times they'd had together, and he was looking forward to taking this next step in their relationship.

He was trying to remember that she didn't want anything serious. He told himself almost constantly that this would come to an end in less that three months when she moved to Seattle, but for now, all he wanted was to enjoy the time he had with her. They'd been on several more dates in the past few weeks, and each one had been more amazing than the last. He'd slept beside her every night, trying to ignore how badly he wanted her as she slept in his arms.

But now they could really be together without any restrictions and he couldn't wait.

"Derek?" her voice shouted from her bedroom. Or their bedroom. At this point he wasn't even sure.

"It's me," he called back as he made his way towards the bedroom. She appeared a moment later, a nervous expression on her face.

"Are you divorced?" she asked, looking completely adorable as she bit her lower lip in anticipation.

"I am," he nodded, leaning in to kiss her. He'd expected the end of his marriage to be at least somewhat painful, but it hadn't been. Seeing his ex-wife already round with his former best friend's child had crushed any regrets he had about the ending of his marriage.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked softly, squeezing his hand comfortingly.

"Yeah," he said, holding up a bottle of wine. "I thought we could celebrate."

"Perfect," she giggled as she grabbed the bottle and led him to the kitchen. "Lexie's not home tonight."

"She's not?" Derek raised an eyebrow.

"No," Meredith said. "Apparently…well, she said that she wanted us to have privacy. If we wanted it."

"Oh," Derek nodded, suddenly realizing that Meredith was just as anxious to consummate their relationship as he was.

"So we have the place to ourselves," Meredith said carefully as she handed him a glass of wine. "What do you propose that we do with it?"

Derek sipped his wine before he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her body flush with his. "I have some ideas," he said before he leaned down to take her earlobe into his mouth, sucking gently.

"Derek," she sighed, shifting to set their glasses on the counter before she pulled back to look at him. "Are you sure? You're not upset because of Addison or trying to run or anything? Because…usually sex isn't a big deal to me. I'm not sure why it is right now, but I can't…I can't just be the girl you screw to get over being screwed."

"You're not," Derek promised, squeezing her hand tightly. "I promise you, Meredith, that my wanting to make love to you has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I got divorced today. We can wait if you want to."

She nodded slowly. "I don't want to wait," she whispered. "I just…I don't want you to regret this."

"I won't," he promised. "Meredith, I could never regret a single second I spent with you."

"Okay," she smiled as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Shall we take this into the bedroom then?"

Derek felt his heart pound as her warm body pressed against his. "Definitely," he murmured against her lips. He smiled as she pulled back, offering him a coy smile as she took his hand and led him to the bedroom. He swallowed hard as he followed her, taking in the way her jeans hugged her curves perfectly and wanting nothing more than to feel those curves beneath his hands. She closed the door gently behind them, then turned to him with a slightly nervous smile. Their eyes held for a moment before she inhaled deeply and pulled her sweater over her chest. Her bra followed, and soon she was standing naked before him.

"Meredith," he breathed, feeling his pants tighten at the sight of her. "God you're beautiful."

"Thank you," she purred, moving to the bed and leaning back against the pillows, her body on full display for him. "And you're wearing too many clothes."

He nodded slowly as he shrugged out of his jacket, quickly stripping out of his clothing as he stared at Meredith, waiting for him on the bed. When he finally kicked his boxers off, she raised her eyebrows and slid to the end of the bed, standing to press her naked body against his as she ran her fingers over his length. "Impressive," she whispered in his ear, her breath hot and her voice seductive.

"Meredith," he moaned, pushing her onto the bed and sliding on top of her. "Pill?" he murmured.

"Yeah," she breathed, fumbling to the dresser and pulling out a strip of condoms. "Safe."

"Safe," he murmured as he trailed his lips down her neck to her chest

"Derek," she breathed, reaching to pull him back up to her. "Please."

"Not yet," he murmured, taking a nipple into his mouth, sucking gently.

"Derek," she gasped, already trembling beneath him as he moved to her other breast, his fingers trailing over her skin. "I want you…inside."

"Soon," he promised, his mouth trailing down to the skin of her stomach. "First…I want to kiss you. Every…single…inch…of you."

"Derek," she moaned, her back arching as he skipped over her center to press gentle kisses to the inside of her thighs. "What…"

"Foreplay," he smiled, lifting her right leg to trail his tongue over the back of her knee.

"Derek," she gasped, her fingers going to tug at his hair. "I need you."

"Hmmm," he smiled, moving back to her lips, kissing her softly. "Torture later. I need you too."

She was panting heavily as she tore the condom open, reaching down to roll it on. He felt his erection twitch with a need to be inside of her as she wrapped her hand around him, and suddenly he needed nothing more than to be inside of her. He hovered over her as she wrapped her arms around his neck, rubbing the head of his erection against her folds. "You're sure?" he murmured, taking in the way her green eyes had turned dark with passion.

"I'm sure," she promised, arching her hips against him and wrapping a leg around his waist. "Please, Derek."

He kept his eyes trained on hers as he slowly lowered himself into her, feeling her walls envelope him as she arched her back into his body. She gasped slightly as he filled her as far as he could, and he stayed still inside of her for a long moment.

"You feel amazing," he whispered as he buried his face in her shoulder.

"So do you," she murmured, running her fingers through his hair, apparently just as content as he was to stay still for a moment, absorbing the feeling of him being buried deep inside of her.

After a long moment, he swallowed hard and lifted himself up onto his forearms, meeting her eyes again as he slowly moved his hips, pulling out of her before he moved back in, slowly beginning to make love to her.

"Derek," she moaned as she tightened her leg around his waist. "Oh God…"

"Mer," he gasped, breathing hard as he continued to thrust into her. They continued to make love, the silence in the air broken only by their moans and gasps of pleasure as he moved in and out of her at a slow and steady pace.

"Derek," she cried, and he felt her walls tightening around him. "Yes!"

"Meredith," he breathed, his own orgasm following hers as he felt a more intense pleasure rush through his body than he'd ever felt before. "Oh my God."

She panted heavily as he rolled off of her, pulling her into his arms and moving his hands over her sweaty body. "That was amazing," she whispered into his chest.

"More than amazing," he sighed. "You're…that was incredible."

She sighed contentedly as she cuddled into his arms. "I've never had sex like that before."

"That's because I'm the best you've ever had."

"Keep telling yourself that," she rolled her eyes, but they were sparkling as she leaned down to kiss him.

"It's true," he said, holding her close to him. "And you're the best I've ever had."

She nodded against him but remained completely silent, and he knew that she was thinking of something. "What is it?" he asked softly.

"I'm trying not to do this," she whispered. "I don't want to compare myself to Addison."

"Oh, Meredith," he sighed, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "You shouldn't compare yourself to her. You're more amazing than she ever was, and I want to be with you. I don't want you to think that I'd ever compare you to her, because you would win every single time."

"Thank you," she whispered softly. "I needed to hear that."

He sighed as he tightened his arm around her. "I don't want you to worry about that," he murmured.

"I'm not," she promised. "We can talk about something else now."

"We don't have to talk," he smirked as he pressed his lips against hers again, this time more passionately.

"We don't?" she murmured against his lips.

"Definitely not," he shook his head. "There are many other fun things that we could do in bed."

"I like the way you think," she giggled. "Because this…" she smirked as she wrapped her hand around his developing erection. "There's a lot I want to do with this."

"Really?" he choked out as he felt her gently move her fist over him.

"Mmmmhmmm," she smiled as she leaned back on her heels to examine his body. "It's so big…and hard."

Derek smirked as he leaned back into the pillows, looking at her closely. "You look beautiful naked," he responded.

She blushed as she pulled away from him, shaking her head slightly. "You don't have to lie," she whispered.

"I'm not lying," he said, pulling her hand to tug her closer to him. "You are amazing, Meredith Grey, and I don't want you to ever doubt that."

She smiled softly as she leaned in to kiss him. "Thank you," she whispered. She kissed him again, then giggled against his lips. "Round two?"

"Round two," he agreed, rolling her onto her back and straddling one of her legs as he kissed her passionately.

"My way," Meredith breathed as his lips left her mouth to assault her neck.

"Your way?" he asked, his skin muffled from where he was nibbling at her skin.

"I want it hard and fast," she ordered as she shifted to wrap herself around him. "And I want it now."

"Bossy," Derek laughed slightly as he rubbed himself against her. "I like."

"Derek," she moaned, her head falling back against the pillows. "Please."

"I think I'm going to need you to beg," he laughed.

"Please…" she arched her hips against him and groaned in frustration when he pulled away.

"That's not begging," he said as he leaned down to continue his assault against her neck, knowing that he was probably leaving a mark but not caring. As she trembled beneath him, he reached between them to gently stick his fingers inside of her, already feeling her walls wet and ready for him.

"Derek," she gasped, sweat covering her body. "Oh God…please, I need you inside me."

"I am inside you," he smirked, moving his fingers inside of her to prove it. She let out a scream as her back arched, and he smiled in victory, knowing that he'd succeeded in finding her pleasure point.

"Oh," she gasped, her body already covered in a fine sheen of sweat. "Please, now, please…"

"Please what?" he smirked, knowing that he was teasing her but completely loving it.

"I need you to fuck me with that hard huge cock," Meredith breathed. "Oh God, Derek."

"Since you asked so nicely," he smiled as he thrust into her, filling her to the hilt as he felt her walls move to accommodate him. "Meredith…"

"Yes," she gasped as he pulled out, his pace much more frantic than it had been only minutes before. "Derek!"

"You feel…so good," Derek gasped as he continued to move in her, savoring the feeling of her sweaty body writhing beneath his.

"Derek!" she almost screamed as he felt her tighten around him. "Oh God."

"That's it," he murmured, moving even faster into her as her orgasm took over her body. "Keep coming for me."

"Oh," Meredith moaned, her eyes falling shut as her body tightened again almost immediately. "Yes, Derek. Right there, yes, yes, yes!"

He groaned as he felt his own orgasm building, fuelled by the desperate way she was screaming for him. "Oh yeah," he moaned, his body starting to release inside of her. "Meredith…"

"Oh God!" she screamed, her back arching into his as she came around him. He could feel her fingers raking along her back, but didn't care as he felt the intense wave of pleasure wash over him, stronger than he'd ever felt before.

He collapsed onto her chest, his cheek resting against her pounding heart as he felt his head spin wildly. "Derek."

He panted heavily against her skin as he kept himself buried deep inside of her, reveling in the feeling of her gently stroking his hair. "Thank you," he whispered softly.

"For what?" she giggled as he buried his face in the crook of her neck.

"Best sex…ever," he said, finally starting to think more clearly.

"It really was," she said, trailing her fingers over his back. "I'm so glad we could finally do this."

"Me too," Derek sighed, finally shifting out of her and onto his side so he could look at her. His hand gently rested on her hip, not wanting to be out of physical contact with her right now.

"Now you don't have to sleep with a hard on anymore," she giggled slightly.

"I've got news for you, Mer," he smiled as he leaned in to kiss her. "You're hot, I'm not sure that I'll ever sleep beside you without a hard on again."

"I'll take care of it later," she promised as she moved closer. "For now….let's just be."

"Moment after," Derek nodded in understanding, basking in the feeling of having her in his arms, naked and satisfied.

"Moment after," she agreed. They laid together for a long moment, neither speaking to interrupt the blissful silence that enveloped the room. After a few minutes, however, Meredith's stomach rumbled loudly, and he laughed as he pulled back to look at her.

"Hungry, Mer?" he asked.

"Kind of starving," she sighed as she moved to the end of the bed, biting her lower lip for a moment before she reached for his button down and slid it on. "Is this okay?"

"It's perfect," he smiled as he reached for his boxers, then pulled her close. "You look good in my shirt."

"Thanks," she giggled, kissing him softly before she grabbed his hand and pulled him into the kitchen. "Now make me dinner."

"I like the bossiness," he commented as he pulled the fridge open.

"I could make dinner for myself if you don't want to," she giggled as she hopped onto the counter.

"No way," he shook his head as he turned the stove on to boil water then stepped closer to her, running his hand over her bare thighs. "I need to keep you around for awhile."

"For sex?" she smiled as she leaned forward to kiss him.

"Not just for sex," he whispered. "For you."

"Derek," she sighed as she pulled back, the mood effectively broken.

"Right," he sighed, recognizing her withdrawal. "Sorry."

She was silent as she hopped down from the counter, moving to the table to look through a stack of mail, her back to him. He silently cursed himself, knowing that he shouldn't have said anything to her. She'd been so weird about that, insisting that because she was leaving in three months they couldn't do anything that even resembled a relationship. She was willing to go on dates with him, to let him sleep in her bed and cuddle with him on the couch as they watched movies. And now that the papers were signed, she was comfortable with sex. But she still freaked out anytime he even hinted that he didn't want this to end after she graduated med school.

"Meredith," he said, tentatively reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she sighed, turning to look at him and offering him a small smile. "I just can't, okay? We can't make this more than it is."

"Okay," he nodded, leaning in to press a kiss to her lips. "We'll just take it one day at a time." He had three months to convince her that he couldn't imagine his life without her anymore.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"There's nothing to thank me for," he said, reaching out to stroke her cheek.

"There is," she whispered, tears suddenly springing to her eyes. "Because I've never felt as safe or as…I just feel like I matter when I'm with you. And I've never felt that way before."

"Meredith," he sighed, pulling her into his arms and hugging her tightly. "I can't even imagine to understand that. You're amazing."

She inhaled deeply as she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. "Derek, I…" she started to say something, suddenly stopping as she shook her head.

"You what?" he murmured, his heart pounding. Because if she was about to tell him that she loved him, he wouldn't be able to deny his feelings any longer.

"Nothing," she sighed as she leaned up to kiss him. "The water's boiling."

"Oh," he nodded slowly, releasing her to reach for the pasta that was sitting on the counter. He smiled as he felt her come up behind him, wrapping her arms around his bare waist as he stirred gently. "Hi," he laughed slightly.

"Hi," she replied, then pressed her lips against the skin of his back. "I'm learning how to cook."

"Really?" he laughed as he poured some oil into the pot.

"Yeah," she giggled. "This is the best way to learn."

"I agree," he said, trailing his fingers over her arm for a moment. "For cooking at least."

"What, you're not going to let me do this in the OR?" she asked.

"I think it might be a little distracting," he replied.

"I think it would be fun…Dr. Shepherd," she murmured in his ear, reaching up to suck gently on his earlobe.

"Oh," he gasped, feeling a surge of arousal rush through his body at her calling him Dr. Shepherd.

"You like that?" she whispered huskily.

"I do," he nodded, reaching to turn the oven off.

"Well, Dr. Shepherd," she sighed, slowly unbuttoning the shirt she was wearing and backing to sit on the table. "What are you going to do about it?"

He swallowed hard as he saw her laying naked on the kitchen table, her legs already spread for him. "You," he answered as he pushed his boxers to the floor.

"Dr. Shepherd," she gasped as he stepped between her legs, pulling her to sit on the edge of the table. "I'm not sure this is appropriate."

"I won't tell if you won't," he murmured in her ear as he pushed into her.

"Oh, Dr. Shepherd," she gasped, her head falling back as he moved in and out of her. She was warm and flexible in his hands, and he made sure to savor every feeling, to remember every gasp of pleasure and every touch to his skin, because it would be over way too soon.


	14. Chapter 14

Meredith sighed as she walked out of her classroom building, exhausted after a long lecture to introduce her into her very last round of cinicals. She had a week before she started observing pediatric care, and she was looking forward to having time off since she knew that she wouldn't have any time to herself once she started her internship in six weeks.

"Well, it's good to see you too," she heard a familiar voice say, and turned to see Derek standing a couple feet behind her.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, relief flowing through her as she moved closer to him to throw her arms around his neck.

"I came to see my favorite med student," he laughed as he wrapped his arms around her. "I definitely wasn't expecting to be ignored."

"I'm sorry," she sighed as she quickly pressed her lips against his. "Long day."

"Hmmm," he nodded, pulling out of her embrace but reaching for her hand. "Getting ready for peds?"

"Don't remind me," she rolled her eyes. "I'm going to need this week to prepare myself for all the sick kids and their paranoid parents."

Derek laughed. "It's probably a good thing you can't say anything for these rounds," he said.

"Shut up," she stated. "I don't see you spending your days treating chicken pox and ear infections."

"I never said I wanted to," Derek said. "I love kids, but there's no way I can spend my entire life taking care of sick ones.

She sighed as she looked up at him. "You're out of work early," she observed.

"I finished early," he said, a sudden look of apprehension appearing on his face.

"Is everything okay?" she asked, stopping on the busy sidewalk to look up at him in curiosity.

"Everything's fine, Mer," he said, squeezing her hand in reassurance. "But I have a question for you."

"Question?" she asked, feeling like it was something important.

"More of an offer really," he was saying. "I…I have to go clear my stuff out of the house in the Hamptons."

"Okay," Meredith said slowly.

"And I know you have the week off, which doesn't really mean anything, but I was wondering if you might want to come with me," he said, looking at her carefully.

"Go with you," she repeated.

"Yeah," Derek said, stepping closer to her. "It will be nice. I have a lot of stuff there since we didn't have much storage at the brownstone, but it was my home with Addison. I'd completely understand if you weren't comfortable with it. But I was hoping that we might be able to make a week out of it, get away from the city for a couple days."

"Like…go away together?" she asked.

"Yeah," he sighed, reaching to stroke her hair. "I don't want to pressure you, Mer. If you're not comfortable for whatever reason, it's okay. I have to go either way because the house is going on the market in two weeks, and I don't really want to spend any time away from you."

"We only have a month and a half left," she whispered softly. She hated thinking about going to Seattle without Derek with her.

"Exactly," he said, tilting his head to the side as he regarded her carefully. "What do you say?"

She took a deep breath before she smiled widely up at him. "Okay," she said.

"Okay?" he asked, surprise covering his face.

"I want to go with you," she nodded.

He breathed a heavy sigh of relief, and she was surprised at how tightly he held her when he pulled her into his arms. "Thank you," he whispered into her hair.

"You're welcome," she murmured, pulling back to look at him closely. "Are you sure everything's okay?"

"I'm sure," he nodded. "It's just hard, to pack my entire life into boxes and shove them into storage. But I'm glad you want to come with me. It will make it a lot easier."

She smirked as she pulled out of his embrace and they continued to make their way down the street. "How can I resist the opportunity to look at pictures of you in your band uniform?" she giggled.

He rolled his eyes. "That was one picture in the yearbook," he stated. "There aren't anymore."

"I'll believe that after I've gone through all of your pictures," Meredith said. "Lexie will probably be very excited when we tell her that we're going away for a whole week."

"Why?" Derek asked as she let them into their apartment building. "She doesn't like us anymore?"

"Apparently we're very loud," Meredith said with a giggle.

"I like it when you scream," Derek laughed.

"Obviously," she said.

"Well, once we get to the house," he said, pulling her close to him. "We can have all the sex we want. And no one will complain about the noise."

"Good," Meredith said, leaning forward to kiss him gently. "Maybe I'll even do the tongue thing you like so much."

"Meredith," he groaned, and she giggled at the flush that almost immediately took over his face.

"When are we leaving?" she asked as she turned to unlock her apartment.

"As soon as possible," he replied.

"Oh," she sighed as she dropped her bag onto the couch. "That's too bad."

"Why?" Derek frowned.

"I was going to see if we had enough time to do the tongue thing," she shrugged as she walked into her bedroom. "But since we have to leave as soon as possible, I really shouldn't waste good packing time."

Suddenly, Derek was behind her and he grabbed her around the waist to throw her on the bed, causing her to giggle loudly. "There's always time for the tongue thing," he said as he slid on top of her, leaning down to kiss her deeply. And then she was lost in his touch, unable to think of anything else as he kissed her more passionately than she'd ever been kissed before.

XXXXX

It wasn't until the next morning that they made it out to Long Island. They'd exchanged the idea of leaving as soon as possible for that of spending the evening and night together in bed, and had left the city early that morning. Derek had driven smoothly, obviously having memorized the route to the house long ago. And she'd sat in the passenger seat, watching with wide eyes as the houses got progressively bigger and grander.

When he stopped at a fairly conservative house, at least comparatively speaking, at the cul de sac of a small road, she stared up at the light blue house for a moment before she slowly got out of the car. "Wow," she breathed.

"You okay?" Derek called from the trunk where he was grabbing their bags, having noticed her quietness.

"Yeah," she shook her head as she moved to help him with the bags. "Sorry. I just really can't picture you choosing to live in a place like this."

Derek shrugged. "I never lived here," he said. "And…Addison liked it here. I thought it would be a nice place to get away from the city, maybe settle down. But now, it's a moot point."

She smiled sympathetically as she reached out to rub his arm. "I'm sorry," she offered.

"Don't be," he said. "I don't miss being married to her. And I'm not going to miss this place. But it's still going to be hard to go through everything."

"I'll help," Meredith promised. "You ready?"

"Yeah," he sighed, looking through his key ring for the right one. He slid it into the lock and ushered Meredith in before him. She stood in the middle of the hallway for a moment, taking in the high ceiling and the swooping staircase before her.

"Wow," she shook her head again. "This is…so not you."

"Believe me, I know," he said as he headed towards the staircase. "We can put our stuff upstairs."

"Okay," Meredith said, following him slowly and trying not to feel uncomfortable in the house that he had shared with his wife. She followed him into the upstairs hallway, surprised when he didn't open the door at the end of the hallway like she had expected, but instead ushered her into a room off of the side. She stepped inside and took in the impeccable design, complete with a queen sized bed and a large picture window facing the extensive backyard.

"Is this okay?" he asked, shoving his suitcase into the corner to be unpacked later. "I figured you wouldn't want to stay in the master bedroom."

She immediately smiled as she felt appreciated for how well he understood her. "Thanks," she said softly.

"No problem," he said, stepping closer to her. "Is this weird for you?"

"A little," she shrugged. "But I'll get over it. I like being alone with you."

He smirked as his hands slid under her shirt. "I like being alone with you too," he said huskily.

"Later," she giggled as she pushed his hands out from under her shirt. "I'm hungry."

"So am I," Derek protested as he followed her back down the stairs.

"Well, I'm hungry for food."

"Food trumps sex?" he frowned.

"Always," she nodded seriously. "Especially if there's chocolate involved."

"What if there's chocolate involved in the sex?" he asked, moving closer to her.

"Then you've got a long night ahead of you," she smiled as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Make me lunch?"

"Of course," he said, kissing her quickly before he pointed towards a door behind her. "That's the living room. There's a TV in there, and probably some old medical journals if you want to entertain yourself."

"Perfect," she said, squeezing his hand before she turned towards the living room.

She stood in the doorway for a long moment, trying to picture a Derek who would have enjoyed this, who would have found this kind of ornate house appealing. There was an expensive looking white couch facing a tall fireplace, an elaborate rug between them. She sighed as she stepped closer to the fireplace, taking in the pictures on the mantel and immediate regretting it.

The picture closest to her was a picture of Derek and Addison's wedding. Addison was wearing a shimmering white gown with a veil to match perfectly, and Derek looked very handsome in a morning coat. They were laughing as their arms wrapped around each other, both of them incredibly happy. It almost made her sick to her stomach.

The next picture was obviously a family shot, more recent than the wedding. Derek's large family was crowded together, Addison on the complete opposite side of the group as Derek. As she examined the picture she realized that it made the picture off balance somehow, with all of his sisters standing with their husbands, tons of kids sitting on the ground around them. The final picture was probably a fairly recent shot, obviously a posed portrait and very forced. Derek was smiling stiffly, a hand resting awkwardly on Addison's shoulder as she faced the camera, a smile that was obviously forced showing on her lips. They very obviously weren't happy when this picture had been taken.

But she'd never seen Derek smile the way he was in his wedding picture, and that scared her.

Before she really knew what she was doing, she turned and ran out of the room, finding her way to the kitchen where Derek was still putting away the groceries they'd bought on the way in.

"You were happy," she blurted out.

"What?" Derek asked, turning to face her as a frown came over his face.

"You and Addison," Meredith said. "I saw your wedding picture. You were in love with her."

"I was," Derek nodded slowly. "I wouldn't have married her if I hadn't loved her."

"But she slept with your best friend," Meredith protested.

"Meredith," his frown deepened as he stepped closer to her. "What are trying to say?"

"I'm trying to understand how you can still believe in love," Meredith said. "Because you loved her, Derek. It's so obvious. But in the other pictures, you don't look like you're in love. And then she hurt you, in what's probably the worst way she could have hurt you. And now you're here, telling me that when I move three thousand miles away we can make it work. How can you believe that?"

"Because," Derek said, his eyes glazing over slightly. "I can't not believe in love."

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because everyone around me has it," Derek said softly. "My sisters are all happily married. My parents were the strongest couple I've ever seen. And now, even my ex-wife has that. And if love doesn't exist, then I don't really know what the point of all of this is."

Meredith tried to stop the tears that built up in her eyes at his honest words. She wanted to know how to love, she really did. But she wasn't sure that she could ever learn, especially after the childhood she had had. "That was kind of girly," she teased gently.

"I grew up with four sisters and was raised by a single mom," Derek shrugged. "Sometimes I wonder how it affected my development."

"Did you just call yourself a girl?" she giggled, glad for the distraction from the topic that was still weighing in the back of her mind.

"No," he frowned.

"It sounded like you did."

"I think you know how much I'm not a girl," Derek protested.

"Right," she smiled slyly, moving closer to him and moving her hands along her fly. "But if I pretend that I don't remember, will you prove how big of a man you are to me right now?"

"Definitely," he growled, lifting her onto the counter and moaning as she quickly undid his pants and freed his developing erection.

"All man," she whispered against his lips, wrapping her hand around his length.

"And all for you," he promised before he reached for her pants, causing goosebumps to cover her body as she tried to forget about love and focus on the lust in that one moment.

XXXXX

"Mer?"

It was late that night, as they laid naked in each others arms and tangled in a pile of blankets in front of the fireplace that she knew he was going to bring up her question from earlier that day.

"Yeah?" she asked meekly, reaching to pour herself another glass of wine.

"Do you believe in love?"

It was a simple question. Five words, that only required a yes or no answer. But it was her answer that scared her. Because she had never known love. Her father had abandoned her for a new family, a better family, and her mother had never cared enough to make sure she was loved. "I don't know," she finally whispered.

He offered her a supportive hand squeeze as she turned to look at him. "How do you not know?" he asked softly.

"I guess I just don't understand," she whispered. "People always leave. And I don't understand why you would make those attachments to people if you know you're going to end up hurt."

"People don't always leave," Derek said softly, playing absently with her fingers.

"My dad abandoned me," Meredith whispered. "My mom didn't care about me. And no one else has ever cared enough about me to take the effort to know me, let alone love me."

"Oh, Mer," he sighed, pulling her closer to press a kiss to her forehead. "Not everyone leaves. I'm not going to."

"I'm moving to Seattle," Meredith said. "So maybe I'm the one that's leaving, but I just don't get how people can be so invested in something that can hurt them so much."

"There's trust involved in love," Derek murmured. "If you love someone enough, really love them, then you'll trust that they'll never hurt you."

"And you still believe in that kind of love," Meredith breathed. "Even after everything that you've been through, after the way Addison hurt you, you still believe in love."

"I do," Derek nodded. "Because right now, with you here in my arms, I can't imagine not believing in love."

"Derek," she shook her head as tears filled her eyes. "Please, don't say things like that."

"Okay," he said, pulling her closer. "I'm sorry."

"I just…you can't say things like that," she whispered. "I'm going to Seattle, and we can't do this. We can't keep this going from three thousand miles away."

"Mer, I told you, I could sell the practice…."

"No," Meredith shook her head firmly. "Derek, you can't give up your life for me. You're doing amazing things here in this practice, and I can't let you give that up. Especially since I don't think I even believe in love."

Derek nodded slowly, his eyes filled with sadness as he ran his fingers over her stomach. "I wish I could help you believe in it," he whispered. "Because the feeling…there's nothing like it."

Meredith blinked back tears as she buried her face in his chest. Because she knew that she was falling hard for him. She just couldn't let herself admit it, to anyone, that she already knew what it was like to be in love. That whenever she saw him she got little butterflies in her stomach and her skin tingled every time he touched her. That even when she thought about him, she couldn't help the wide smile that spread across her face.

And she was pretty sure the nauseous feeling in her stomach every time she thought about leaving him was also a sign that she was falling in love.

But she couldn't tell him that, so she simply pushed him onto his back and rolled on top of him, smiling down at him as she threaded her fingers through his hair. "How about we just stop talking," she breathed. "Unless it's you moaning my name."

"Oh you want me to moan this time," Derek laughed, his hands trailing over her back.

"Hmmm, definitely," she smiled as she leaned down to kiss him. "What do you say?"

"I say okay," he smiled, pulling her mouth down to his as she slowly lowered herself onto him, moaning loudly into her mouth. And as she made love to him, she tried desperately not to think of the pain she would feel when she had to leave him.

"This is nice," she whispered later, as they lay tangled together, breathing heavily as they came down from their highs. "I actually kind of like it here."

"It is nice," Derek murmured. "I always wanted to keep this place more simple, but I figured that it would be a nice place to raise kids once I had them."

"You're going to be an amazing father," Meredith whispered.

"I'll probably never know," he said softly.

"What?" Meredith frowned. "You don't think you'll get married again?"

Derek smiled softly for a moment before he shrugged. "Maybe," he said. "If the right girl ever agrees."

Meredith swallowed the pain in her chest as she leaned forward to press a kiss to her cheek. "I'm sure you'll find her someday."

Derek smiled as he squeezed her hand. "I think I will."

Meredith's eyes danced with his for a moment before she swallowed hard and pulled away. "I'm going to go find something to eat," she whispered.

"Okay," he said, turning to the fire. "I should put another log on the fire."

Meredith smiled at him before she stood, wrapping a blanket around herself as she shuffled out of the room. After a quick stop in the downstairs bathroom, she moved to the kitchen and leaned against the counter for a long moment, trying to gain control of her emotions.

This thing with Derek had to be a fling. She couldn't let him give up his practice to start over in Seattle, but she also couldn't give up her position at one of the best hospitals in the country so she could stay with him. So it had to be a fling.

But that didn't mean it had been completely painful to think about this ending, to talk to him about finding another woman to be with, to marry and have kids with. She'd never wanted that, but now she was starting to think that it might be nice, to be with Derek forever, maybe even become a mother to his children.

She had to stop thinking like this. She was leaving in less than two months, and she didn't believe in love. So she couldn't think about how nice it would be to be in love with Derek Shepherd.

"Mer?" he appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, still naked as he walked towards her. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she said, shaking her head as she tightened the blanket around her shoulders. "Just looking for some more wine."

"I put it in the fridge to chill," Derek said, moving to open the fridge.

"Thanks," she said, reaching for the bottle. "We can go back to the fire."

"Okay," he said, leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead.

"Can it just be like this all week?" Meredith asked as they settled back into their cocoon. "Just us, here shutting out the real world and pretending that this isn't all coming to an end so quickly?"

"That would be nice," Derek said, pulling her into his arms.

"Good," she said, leaning her head against his shoulder as she sipped at her wine, enjoying the slight buzz she was getting from the alcohol.

"Here we can pretend," he whispered.

"Can we just sleep tonight?" she asked. "No sex? The sex is amazing, I just want to be with you."

"That sounds perfect," he breathed.

Meredith sighed as she looked at the fire for a moment before her eyes trailed up to the mantel. Her eyes widened as she realized that Derek had taken all the pictures down that had been there earlier. And in it's place was one single photo that made her heart stop.

"Derek," she whispered as she pulled out of his arms to look at the picture of the two of them that Lexie had taken a few weeks earlier. His arms were wrapped tightly around him, and she was laughing as she leaned into his chest. It was one of only a few pictures that existed of the two of them, but it was definitely her favorite.

"We can pretend, right?" Derek asked from behind her, and she turned to press her lips against his, allowing herself to pretend that this was real, that they were happy in their house, without any impending moves across the country looming over their heads.


	15. Chapter 15

**I'm so sorry about how long it took to get this up. There's this pesky little thing called college that gets in the way of fanfic...sigh. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!**

For the first time in her life, Meredith Grey had someone to cheer her on.

As she sat on stage in the Columbia University field house, feeling slightly ridiculous in graduation robes for the third time in her life, she couldn't help but feel slightly elated at the fact that there was someone in the audience just for her.

When she was little, she'd never done sports or taken dance classes like most of the other kids in her school. Her mother had never thought to enroll her, and by high school she hadn't built up any of the talents or stamina to play at the high school level. Her mother had skipped her high school graduation, telling her that getting a high school diploma wasn't a big deal, and that sitting through the principal speak about the future of the class wasn't worth giving up her OR time. She'd actually planned on come to her graduation from Dartmouth, until she'd found out that Meredith was going to Europe with Sadie instead of doing something productive with her life.

But now, there was someone who cared enough about her to spend an afternoon listening to a series of boring speeches and watching hundreds of students walk across a stage just so he could watch her receive her diploma. And it wasn't just anyone.

Derek Shepherd cared enough about her to watch her graduate.

As she listened to the dean speak about the differences she and her classmates would make in the medical community and the challenges they would face in their internship, she searched the crowd for him. When she finally spotted him, seated beside Lexie and dressed handsomely in a blue button down shirt with an open collar. He was smiling proudly, and she couldn't help but feel an extra burst of self pride at the realization of how proud he was of her.

Later, after she'd received her diploma and smiled widely at Derek from the stage, she pushed her way through the proud parents and family members of her classmates to make her way towards him. She ran straight into his open arms, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck as he lifted her off the ground slightly. "I did it!" she giggled happily.

"You did it," he repeated. "I'm so proud of you, Mer."

"Thank you," she smiled, pulling back to press her lips against his. "I…thank you."

"And you didn't trip," he laughed as she pulled away.

"Shut up," she rolled her eyes. She'd gone on a ramble for a good ten minutes the night before about how embarrassing it would be if she tripped on stage.

"Mer, you did it!" Lexie cried from behind her, and a moment later she felt herself being pulled into a hug with her sister.

"I did it," Meredith giggled.

"I brought my camera," Lexie announced, pulling it out of her bag. "We have to take pictures."

"Lexie," Meredith rolled her eyes, but Derek quickly pulled her into his arms.

"She's right, Mer. We need pictures of this," he said.

"Okay," she said, finding herself unable to say no as she cuddled into his arms and smiled as Lexie took several shots of them.

When her sister had finally finished being camera happy, the auditorium had emptied out, and there was only a scattering of people left throughout the seats. "We should go," Derek said, his arm still wrapped tightly around Meredith's waist. "I'm taking you out to dinner to celebrate."

"You don't have to," she started, but was cut off by the feeling of his lips on hers.

"I know I don't have to," he said. "But I want to. This is a big deal, Mer. You deserve to celebrate."

"Okay," she said softly.

"Good," Derek said. "Lexie, would you like to join us?"

"Oh," Lexie said, looking up from her camera. "I…no. It's okay. I don't want to interrupt your date or anything, so it's fine. Go have fun."

It was obvious that she wanted to be included in the celebration but didn't want to cross any boundaries. Derek nudged Meredith slightly in the side, and she rolled her eyes. "We'd like you to come, Lex," she said. "It's not a date. It's a celebration. You're my sister, and you came. That means a lot. So Derek will buy you dinner."

"You're sure you don't mind?" Lexie asked, her eyes lighting up slightly.

"I'm sure," Meredith said. "Right, Derek?"

"Of course," Derek nodded in agreement.

"Thanks," Lexie said, smiling as she took a step closer to them, obviously exited to be included in the celebration.

"So," Derek said, lacing his fingers through Meredith's as he looked down at her. "Where to?"

"Wherever," she shrugged.

"Mer," he sighed. "This is for you. You just graduated from med school, you get to decide where we go for your celebration."

"Fine," she said. "How about that Mexican place? By your practice, where we went for lunch a couple weeks ago?"

"That's perfect," Derek said, pulling her close to lead her out of the auditorium, Lexie falling into step beside them.

It took less than an hour for them to get to the restaurant and get settled in at their table, at which point Derek raised his glass towards Meredith.

"I'd like to toast our favorite Columbia graduate," he said, squeezing her shoulder gently.

Meredith rolled her eyes but couldn't help the smile that came over her face at the sensation of feeling special as Lexie followed Derek's actions.

"I'm so proud of you, Meredith," he said softly. "I know you've been through a lot this year, but you finished as one of the top students in your class. So we deserve to celebrate you."

"Thanks," Meredith smiled, leaning into him. "That…it means a lot."

"I'm happy for you too, Meredith," Lexie said from across the table. "I…I'm really glad that we've been able to get closer this past year."

"Thanks, Lexie," Meredith said, feeling her cheeks start to heat at the onslaught of attention.

"I'm going to miss you," Lexie admitted softly.

"Oh," Meredith breathed, her eyes trailing to the table as she tightened in Derek's grasp. She didn't want to think about moving to Seattle, not when they were supposed to be celebrating her graduation.

"We're not going to talk about that right now," Derek said firmly, delivering a tight squeeze to her hand. "We're celebrating, and the move is two weeks away."

"Thanks," Meredith whispered, grateful for his ever dependant capability to read her mind. "It's…we'll still talk all the time, Lexie. E-mail and cell phones. It's easy, keeping in touch."

"There will be lots of…" Derek's voice trailed off as he slowly lowered his glass to the table, his eyes fixed on a spot in front of him, unmoving.

"Derek?" Meredith frowned, following his gaze. "What's wrong?"

He shook his head as he looked down, his eyes shifting to stare at his place setting. "Nothing," he said. "I just…sorry."

Meredith frowned as she turned back to where he had been staring, inhaling sharply when she saw Mark Sloan, leaning against the hostess's stand with a smirk playing on his lips. She didn't think he'd noticed Derek, but she could feel Derek's tension from beside her and she hesitantly reached out to place a hand on his leg. "Derek," she whispered. "Let's just go."

"No," he shook his head, inhaling deeply as he lifted his head to meet her eyes. "We're celebrating."

"So we celebrate somewhere else," Meredith shrugged. "I don't want you to have to deal with him tonight. Or ever."

"If we leave we'll have to walk right by him," Derek pointed out. "We'll just stay. And hope he doesn't see us."

"I think it's a little late for that," Lexie said quietly and Meredith's head snapped up to follow her sister's gaze. Mark's posture had stiffened, his face taking on an expression of confusion and regret, and she inhaled sharply as she watched him suck in a deep breath and begin walking towards their table.

"Derek," he said when he was close enough to the table. "I didn't expect to see you here."

Derek's grip tightened on Meredith's hand. "We're in the middle of dinner," he said, his gaze meeting Mark's evenly.

"Look, I just want to talk…" Mark started.

"I have nothing to say to you," Derek said.

"I know I screwed up," Mark pressed on. "But that doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore."

"How's Addison?" Derek snapped, and Mark's face immediately changed, to a softer expression, with a small ounce of guilt mixed in.

"She's good," he said softly.

"See that," Derek said. "Is exactly why we can't be friends anymore."

"We were best friends for thirty years," Mark insisted.

"And you decided to throw that away over an affair with my wife," Derek said, his jaw clenching.

"I didn't mean to," Mark insisted. "I just…she was so lonely and I wanted to make her feel better."

"Well, I'm pretty sure that it happened more than once," Derek said. "And it doesn't matter."

"Derek," Mark said. "Please."

Derek's face was turning red, in an expression of anger that Meredith had never seen before, and she could feel the tension radiating out of his body, trying to control himself. She rubbed his thigh gently, telling him that she was here and it was all going to be okay. "Mark," she said firmly. "I think you should go."

Mark's eyes moved from Derek to her, flickering over to Lexie for a moment, as if realizing for the first time that there were other people at the table. "It's good to see you, Meredith," he said, smiling slightly.

"Don't talk to her," Derek snapped, pulling out of Meredith's grasp as he stood to meet Mark's gaze.

"Derek," Meredith sighed, reaching for his hand and trying not to be offended when he yanked it out of her grasp.

"Leave," Derek ordered.

"Hey, I'm just trying to enjoy a nice dinner," Mark said, taking a step back. "I saw someone I knew and decided to say hi."

"Fine," Derek snapped, turning to Meredith and Lexie. "We're leaving."

Neither one of them wanted to protest to the simple statement, and they quickly reached for their bags before they followed Derek towards the exit, leaving Mark standing in the middle of the restaurant staring after them.

On the street, Derek was pacing the sidewalk in front of the restaurant, one hand tangled in his hair as he stared down at the sidewalk. Lexie stood uncomfortably beside Meredith as they watched him for a moment. Finally, Meredith reached out and grabbed his arm, causing him to stop in front of her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, looking deeply into his eyes as a hand buried itself in his hair.

"Are you okay?" she asked simply.

Derek swallowed hard as he looked down at her. "Right now," he said with a slight nod. "I think so."

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked.

"No," he said. "But you're here. And that helps."

Meredith smiled as she stood on her tip toes to rest her forehead against his. "I'm sorry you had to deal with that," she whispered.

"It's not your fault," he said, shifting to bury his head in his shoulder, running his hands up and down her back.

They stood in that position for a long moment, before he finally pulled back and offered her a shaky smile. "Thanks," he offered.

"Nothing to thank me for," she shrugged as she pulled out of his arms and reached for his hand. "We'll just go somewhere else to celebrate."

"Actually," Derek said, glancing at Lexie for a moment. "I was thinking that I could give you your graduation gift now."

"You didn't have to…" Meredith started, but was cut off by the feeling of his finger on her lips.

"I know I didn't have to," he said. "But I wanted to. And you're going to love it."

"What is it?" she asked, unable to suppress the thrill that he was so proud of her, that he'd gotten her a gift.

"You'll see," he said. "It's at the hotel."

"Hotel?" she repeated.

"I got us a room at the Plaza," he said. "You're going to get spoiled tonight."

"Oh," Meredith said, her heart beginning to race at the thought of exactly how she wanted to be spoiled by him.

"Are you okay to get home?" Derek was asking Lexie.

"Of course," she said, stepping forward to hug Meredith. "Congratulations, Mer. You deserve this."

"Thanks," Meredith said, returning the hug. "But we have to go back. Get stuff and pack or whatever."

"Your stuff's already there," Derek said, snaking an arm around her waist.

"Really?" she asked, turning to look at him.

"Really," he nodded, pressing a kiss to her temple.

"Okay," she said, turning back to Lexie. "I guess I'll see you later."

"Have fun," Lexie smiled as she turned and walked towards the entrance to the subway.

"And then there were two," Derek smiled down at her before he turned to hail a cab.

She was silent for a moment as she slid into the cab behind him, waiting until he had given the cabbie their destination and she was comfortably resting her head against his shoulder until she asked, "Are you really okay?"

Derek's arm tightened around her shoulders. "I haven't seen him," he said quietly. "Since that night. And there are times that I miss him. He was my best friend since kindergarten, and I spent a good majority of my life with him. But then I remember what he did and it just makes me so angry. I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive him."

"It's okay for you to be upset," Meredith assured him. "What Mark did was horrible. It's okay if you're upset about seeing him."

"I was," Derek said. "But this is your night, Mer. And honestly…it's okay with me that we're skipping dinner."

She giggled slightly as she lifted her head off of his shoulder to meet his eyes. "And what did you have in mind for tonight?" she asked.

"Well, I took the liberty of getting us a suite," Derek said. "King size bed, Jacuzzi in the bathroom."

"Tell me you didn't ask them to light candles and sprinkle rose petals on the bed," she rolled her eyes.

"No rose petals," he laughed. "But there may be champagne."

"I can handle champagne," she nodded. "As long as there are chocolate covered strawberries."

"I think we can arrange that," he said, reaching into his wallet as the cab pulled up to the Plaza. "But you'll have to repay me."

"Oh really?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "How would you suggest we do that?"

"I can think of a few ways," he said, kissing her cheek quickly before he stepped up to the reception area. "Reservation under Shepherd."

The woman behind the desk smiled at him, checking some things on her computer before she slid a key card across the counter to him. "Enjoy your stay, Dr. Shepherd," she said.

"This is amazing," Meredith said, taking in the ornate decoration of the lobby as Derek led her to the elevator.

"I wanted to show you how proud I am," he said, pulling her into his arms as the elevator carried them upwards. "You worked hard for this, Mer, you deserve to be spoiled."

She smiled slyly as she moved to stand in front of him, rotating her hips against his. "I think I already am spoiled," she whispered in his ear.

"Mer," he gasped, and she could feel his arousal stirring against her hip.

She giggled as the elevator stopped, pulling him into the hallway. "What room are we in?" she asked.

"1126," Derek said, pushing her gently down the hall.

She could feel her heart pounding as he ushered her into a room at the end of the hall, gasping slightly when she saw the elaborate bed before them, a bottle of champagne already chilling beside the window. "Derek," she said, turning to look at him. "This is amazing."

He smiled as he ran his hands over her arms, leaning down to kiss her softly. "Only the best for you," he said.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"And I was thinking that we could try the bathtub out," Derek said, leading her into the bathroom.

"It looks like fun," she said, taking in the Jacuzzi. She turned to the counter where she saw an array of bubbles arranged and smiled as she reached for the purple one. "Your favorite."

"I only like lavender because it reminds me of you," he said, leaning over to fill the tub.

"Whatever," she smiled as she pulled her shirt over her head.

"Now you're taking my job away from me," Derek said, stepping closer to her.

"Am I?" she asked.

"Definitely," Derek said, reaching behind her to unhook her bra. "You're so beautiful."

"Thank you," she said, feeling the blush creep over her cheeks.

"I can't get enough of you," he continued as he leaned down to take a nipple into his mouth.

"Derek," she breathed, her fingers tangling in his hair and holding him close to her as his teeth scraped against the sensitive skin. "Oh God."

"Hmmm," he sighed, pulling back and smiling softly at her. "You get started in here. I'll go get the champagne and call for the strawberries."

"Hurry," she said, kissing him softly as she watched him walk out of the room. She quickly stepped out of her pants, putting some bubbles into the warm bathwater before she started the jets and sank into the water, allowing herself to get lost in the relaxing feeling that had taken over the bathroom.

Today had been amazing. She'd never had anyone act as proud of her as Derek had been today. It was nice, to feel special and loved, and she didn't want to think about the negative things of the day. Their encounter with Mark and her impending move were far from her mind as she listened to Derek move around in the other room, and suddenly she couldn't wait for him to join her. A sharp desire ran through her as she felt the anticipation building, her body already preparing to take him into her.

"Getting started without me?" Derek's voice said from beside her, and she opened her eyes to look at him. He was still completely dressed, holding the champagne bottle in one hand and two flutes in the other.

"If you don't hurry up, I'll do the whole thing without you," she said slyly.

"Really?" Derek asked, his eyebrow peaking in interest.

"Really," she said, reaching down to stroke herself. "You know, the Jacuzzi does wonderful things for women."

"I…I can see that," he said as he reached out to place the items in his hands on the side of the tub.

"Oh," Meredith breathed, her head falling back as she gently thrust her fingers inside of herself, trying to hold her orgasm as she imagined Derek inside of her. "Yes…"

"Meredith," he breathed, and she was vaguely aware of the sound of his clothes dropping to the ground. She arched her back as she moved her fingers faster, her breasts appearing above the bubbles, and a moment later she felt Derek slid into the tub beside her.

"Derek," she breathed, shifting to straddle his lap. "I want you."

"I want you too," he murmured, his voice husky as he trailed his hands up and down her back.

"So take me," she whispered, moving her hips over his.

He smiled as he grabbed her hips, moving her onto his erection, causing her to cry out at the sensation. "Derek," she gasped, her head arching back. "Oh God."

He smiled as he leaned in to nibble on her neck, alternating between sucking and biting gently as she rode him gently. "Meredith," he breathed against her neck. "Oh, Mer…"

"What do you want?" she asked, stopping her movements as his lips continued to work at her neck.

He pulled back to look at her for a moment, taking in the way her green eyes were sparkling with desire and he reached up to push her hair out of her face. "I want you, Mer," he said softly. "Whatever you want…my body is yours."

"Okay," she said, leaning in to kiss him deeply before she released him, her hips moving harder over his as she tightened her thighs around his waist. She smiled down at him as she watched his eyes glaze over, and after a moment she changed her movements, moving in slow figure eights over him, causing his eyes to fall closed.

"Oh yeah," he moaned as she felt him swell inside of her.

"You like that?" she smiled as she leaned forward to nibble on his earlobe.

"Fuck yes," he gasped. "That's it, Mer."

"Derek," she breathed, feeling herself begin to tighten. "Come."

"Mer," he groaned.

"Come for me," she begged, her hips continuing to move over his. "God, Derek, you feel so amazing inside of me. With that huge cock, filling me so completely. You're so incredible, Derek. So big and hard, and completely perfect inside of me."

"Mer," he practically shouted, starting to spill into her. "Oh yes…"

"Yes, Derek!" she cried, her own orgasm following his before she collapsed on top of him, her heaving chest resting against his as they came down from their respective highs. After a moment she lifted her head and looked into his eyes that were still dark with passion and leaned in to kiss him deeply. "We so have to try out this bed," she giggled, standing and pulling him into the bedroom, ready to lose herself in his arms for the rest of the night, trying to ignore the fact that it would soon be over.


	16. Chapter 16

She hated this.

That was all Meredith could think as she looked around her empty room, two suitcases open in the corner, clothes tossed haphazardly in them. Her furniture was gone, save for her bed, which she was leaving with Lexie, and the walls were bare. Her bathroom had been stripped clean of everything except the essentials, and even the living room looked bare since she'd packed up her belongings, leaving Lexie's things to look minimal in the already small living room.

Derek and Lexie were downstairs loading the last few boxes into the moving van, and then her entire life would be on its way to Seattle, where she would meet it the next day at her mother's house.

And then her life would never be the same.

She and Derek had somehow managed to avoid the subject of her moving, not even wanting to talk about it as he'd spent the past two days helping her pack her bedroom into boxes small enough to fit into the small u-haul she'd hired. She wasn't stupid, she knew that this was the end. But that didn't mean that she didn't wish that this wouldn't end, that she could fall asleep with Derek every night for the rest of her life, even if it wasn't possible. It was an honor for her to be selected to Seattle Grace, she couldn't give that up for him, in the same way that he couldn't give up his practice for her.

So she was going to spend one last night in his arms, then board the plane tomorrow, landing just in time to make it to the mixer for the new staff of the hospital. Maybe they would keep in touch, maybe they wouldn't. But for now all she wanted was to spend every moment she could with him.

"Hey Mer," Lexie's voice came from the doorway, and she turned to see her sister standing awkwardly in the front.

"Hey," she said. "Where's Derek?"

"Getting things settled with the movers," Lexie said. "I know you want to spend most of the time you have left with Derek, so I figured I would say goodbye now."

"You don't have to," Meredith shook her head. "This is your apartment, you should be able to stay here."

"I know, but it's okay," Lexie said. "You two deserve privacy. It's probably going to be awhile before you see each other again."

"If we see each other again," Meredith sighed, dropping down onto the bed.

"What?" Lexie frowned.

"When we started this thing," Meredith shrugged. "We decided it would be a fling. Something for a couple months because we knew I was leaving. So we're not going to keep this going."

"But you have to," Lexie said. "You're perfect together."

"We can't, Lexie," Meredith said. "I'm moving to the other side of the country. And I'm going to be an intern. I'm not going to have time to sleep, let alone fly across the country once a month for a weekend thing. It just…it will end badly. I'd rather end it now on a positive note than try to make things work and have it end in a disaster."

"I guess that makes sense," Lexie said. "But…I still don't like it."

"Believe me, neither do I," Meredith shrugged. "But there's not much else I can do."

"Does he even have anywhere else to live?" Lexie asked. "He's been staying here since…well, you know."

"I think he's going to get a hotel or something until he can find an apartment," Meredith shrugged. "I'm not really sure."

"Meredith, have you two even talked about this?" Lexie asked.

"No," she said. "I can't, Lexie, I just can't handle this right now. I'm freaking out enough about being a doctor, I can't regret ending this or think about how we could make it work. It's over. That's what we decided, and it's not going to change, no matter how much we want it to."

Lexie sighed, then nodded. "Okay," she said. "I just want to see you happy, Mer. And I don't think that you're going to be happy if you break up with him."

Meredith shrugged as she looked down at her hands. "I don't think I have a choice," she said softly.

Lexie nodded softly. "I'm sorry," she said. "I know he meant a lot to you."

"Yeah," Meredith said softly. "He really does."

"I'm going to miss you," Lexie said after a long pause.

Meredith smiled as she turned to look at her sister, trying to force all thoughts of Derek out of her head. "Me too," she said. "I'm really glad that we were in that one random class together."

Lexie giggled. "I can't believe that's how we met," she said. "What are the chances in med school that the professor would make us sit alphabetically?"

"And then make us do a presentation based on the class list," Meredith said, shifting to rest her head against Lexie's shoulder. "We'll talk."

"Good," Lexie said.

"And I'm sorry. If I was mean to you when we first met," Meredith said. "But…I kind of hated you."

"I get that," Lexie said. "I hate what Dad did to you, I can only imagine how you must have felt about me."

"But I got over it," Meredith said. "And I'm glad you're my sister."

"I'm glad you're my sister too," Lexie said.

The sound of the front door closing echoed into the room, and Lexie disengaged herself from Meredith's embrace. "Talk to him," she said. "Before you decide anything, talk to him."

"Thanks Lex," Meredith said. "You want to come with me to the airport tomorrow?"

"Of course I'll be there," Lexie said, passing by Derek as she left the room. "Bye Derek."

"Bye," Derek said, looking after her for a moment before he turned to look at Meredith. "So I sent the movers off on their way."

"Thanks," Meredith said. "You really didn't have to help me with all of this."

"I wanted to," Derek said, moving to sit beside her on the bed. "Mer, we should talk."

"We don't need to talk," she said. "We'll just…spend tonight together. And that will be it."

"It?" Derek frowned.

"The end," she said, ignoring the nausea rising in her throat at the thought. "We knew this wasn't going to go any further."

"And you don't feel any different now?" Derek asked.

"No," she lied easily. "I can't feel any different now. Because I'm moving all the way across the country, and we're going to be three thousand miles apart so it doesn't matter how I feel."

"It always matters how you feel," Derek protested gently.

"But it doesn't," she shook her head. "We're going to eat dinner. And then we'll go to bed, maybe have goodbye sex. And then," she inhaled deeply, hating what she was about to do. "And when I wake up, you won't be here. And that will be it."

"What if I want to be here when you wake up?" Derek argued.

"Derek," she rolled her eyes. "You can't be."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because I'm leaving!" Meredith cried. "And tomorrow I'm going to meet all of my colleagues. And the next day I start my internship, which means my life isn't my own anymore."

"Meredith, can you put all the facts aside and please listen to me?" he demanded. "I don't want this to end."

"It doesn't matter…"

"Stop saying that," he snapped. "Of course it matters."

"It doesn't," she said. "Because if it mattered, then the best internship program wouldn't be in Seattle it would be here and then we could still be together. But it's not, so we can't do this!"

"Do you want to?"

"It doesn't matter!"

"Meredith!" he cried, grabbing her hands and forcing her to look at him. "Do you want this to end?"

"No," she finally found herself admitting as she looked into his deep blue eyes, filled with concern and compassion for her.

"Okay," Derek nodded firmly. "Then we'll figure this out."

"There isn't a way to figure it out, Derek," she said. "Tomorrow…tomorrow after the mixer, I'm going to go to a bar and I'm going to have a one night stand. That's what I do. I don't have relationships or let myself feel anything."

"You let yourself feel things with me," Derek argued.

She swallowed hard, hating the pain that she saw in his eyes, pain that was reflecting in her own heart that was being broken, crack by crack. "Maybe that was a mistake," she said softly.

"What?" Derek frowned.

"Maybe we shouldn't have done this, we should have just stayed friends," she said. "Then this never would have happened."

"Is that really how you feel?" he asked, dropping her hands and taking a step back.

She wanted to tell him that she didn't feel that way, that she cherished the time that they had together and really wanted to figure out how to make this work. But she couldn't. If she wanted to move on from him and make sure that she was able to concentrate on being a doctor, she had to end this. And right now she was figuring out that the only real way to do it was to hurt him, as much as it hurt her to do so.

"Yes," she said.

"Then why should I even stay?" Derek asked, his face turning from hurt to angry. "Why don't I just leave right now?"

"Maybe you should," she snapped, trying her best not to burst into tears and beg him to stay.

"Fine," he said, turning and storming out of the room. After a moment, she heard the front door slam closed and she finally allowed the tears to stream down her cheeks. She moved quickly towards the closed door, reaching for the knob before she quickly pulled it back, knowing that she couldn't do this. She couldn't make it any harder than it already was, she had to let him know.

So she sank to the ground, her back to the door as she finally allowed herself to cry, completely unaware that Derek was mirroring her position on the opposite side of the door.

XXXXX

Twenty four hours later, Meredith found herself dressed in a fancy black dress, the heels of her shoes already making her feet ache as she held a drink and stared at the hospital staff that she would begin working with.

The plane ride had been horrible. She'd slept very little the night before, her mind focused on where Derek had gone after he'd left her apartment, and then she'd had to fly across the country by herself, something that she hated made even more miserable because the last time she'd flown to Seattle she'd been with Derek. And after she'd retrieved her suitcases, she'd arrived at her mother's house, the house that hold such awful memories for her.

She hadn't even set foot in the kitchen, but as she'd slid the key into the lock of the front door, she could vividly remember watching her father drive away, not to be seen again for fifteen years when he'd stopped by the apartment, not realizing that Lexie's roommate was the daughter that he had abandoned.

And now she was standing uncomfortably in the middle of the lounge across the street from the hospital, wondering when would be an appropriate time to sneak out and go to the bar across the street. She could definitely use lots of tequila right now.

"Hi," she turned to follow the voice that had greeted her, meeting the face of a young looking man, smiling shyly at her. "Are you an intern?"

"I will be tomorrow," she said.

"Me too," he said, holding his hand out to her. "I'm George O'Malley."

"Meredith Grey," she said, shaking his hand.

"Where are you from?"

"New York," she said. "Columbia."

"Wow, you've come pretty far," he said.

She shrugged. "It's one of the best programs in the country," she offered.

"Right," George said. "I um…I like your shoes."

She frowned as she looked down at her feet, wondering why he was commenting on her shoes. "Thanks," she said.

"Can you believe that we're going to be doctors tomorrow?" he continued to ramble. "People's lives are actually going to be in our hands. It's pretty amazing, isn't it?"

"It really is," she said. This guy was cute, but she had a feeling that he was trying to hit on her. And this definitely wasn't the kind of guy that she wanted to sleep with tonight. The only guy she wanted to sleep with was in New York, probably at some fancy hotel and completely hating her.

"Have you met any of the other interns?" he asked. "I met one girl, she seems really intense. She's already sucking up to the attendings."

"No, I'm really only here because I have to be," she said. "But I'm not feeling well, I think I'm going to take off soon."

"Nerves," he said knowingly. "I get them too. Tomorrow's going to be intense, I've had butterflies in my stomach for a week now."

"Forty eight hour shift," she sighed.

"Well, it was nice meeting you," George said. "I guess I'll see you at the hospital. Good luck on your first day."

"You too," Meredith said, downing the rest of her drink and moving to place it on the bar. As she headed towards the exit, she was interrupted by a tall blonde placing herself in front of her pathway.

"Hi," she said, holding her hand out. "I'm Izzy. I saw you talking to George, and I figured you were another intern. Are you another intern? Because I think that it's really important for all of us to stick together since it's going to be a really difficult year, internship and everything."

Meredith nodded slowly as she took in the bubbly personality of the woman before her. "I am Meredith," she offered.

"Oh good," Izzy said. "I know that we're going to be competing and everything, but we're also going to have to work together, so we can be friends, right? Because we're going to be spending most of our time together, and I think it would be a really big problem if we weren't friends."

Meredith bit her lower lip, wondering what would happen if she said no. "Sure," she said.

"Good," Izzy nodded encouragingly. "So we'll have lunch together tomorrow? At the hospital?"

Meredith blinked in surprise. She'd never met anyone with this intense of a personality. Even Lexie wasn't this bad. "Sure," she repeated, completely thrown off at Izzie's happy smile.

"Good," Izzy said, leaning forward to hug her. "It was really nice meeting you, Meredith, I've got to go find Christina. She's the only other intern that I haven't met yet, have you met her?"

"Sorry, I haven't," Meredith sighed as she looked around the room, trying to find an escape route.

"That's okay," Izzie said, flashing her another smile. "It was so nice to meet you. I'll see you in the morning!"

"Bright and early," Meredith muttered as she made her way towards the door, thankful when she made it outside without anyone stopping her again. Free, she was finally free from the other doctors.

She sighed as she looked to her left, the hospital looming in front of her. She swallowed hard as she fought the urge to call Derek and freak out to him. Over. They were over, forever.

She shook her head as she turned to look across the street, one single word catching her attention.

_Bar._

Perfect.

She made her way across the street, quickly descending the stairs to the basement bar that was dimly lit. A few people were scattered across the room, but it was obvious that this was a place for doctors to hang out after a long day of work. Presumably all of those doctors were at the mixer, leaving the bar fairly quiet, probably a lot quieter than it usually was.

"Tequila shot," she requested as she tossed her bag onto the bar and slid onto a stool, sighing in frustration.

"Rough day?" he asked as he slid the shot across the bar to her and watching her knock it back.

"Pretty much the worst," she replied, pushing the empty glass over to him for him to fill up again.

"I haven't seen you in here before," he said. "Are you a doctor at Grace? One of the new ones?"

"I will be tomorrow," she sighed.

"New job?" he asked.

"New job," she said, fingering the shot glass. "I left New York this morning, leaving my sister and my….a guy for a house that my mother tried to kill herself in and my dad abandoned me in."

"Wow," he said, pouring her another shot. "On the house. It sounds like you need it pretty badly.

"Thanks," Meredith said, knocking the shot back, barely noticing the burn in her throat she'd become accustomed to.

"I'm Joe," he said. "This is my bar."

"Meredith," she said. "I'll probably become your most valuable customer over the next year."

"Well, then I'll be sure to take good care of you," Joe laughed. "Want me to start a tab for you?"

"That's probably a good idea," she sighed.

Joe turned from her for a moment, looking up when the bell above the door rang. "I'll be back," he said. "Gotta take care of everyone."

"I'll be waiting," she sighed, looking down at the bar. She could feel eyes on her, knew that someone was watching her. And even though she'd come out with every intention of sleeping with a random man tonight, she couldn't bring herself to do it. Things were over with Derek, but she couldn't help but feel slightly nauseated at the thought of sleeping with anyone besides him.

Which probably meant that she was never going to have sex again, which definitely meant that she needed another shot of tequila. She should probably stop drinking because things were already starting to look a little fuzzy, and she probably wouldn't want to be hung over on her first day as a doctor. But she knew that she was going to need lots of tequila to stop thinking about Derek and start focusing on being a doctor instead.

"How are you doing over here?" Joe asked, appearing in front of her again, a smile on his face.

"More tequila," she requested, pushing the glass across the bar, watching as he reached for the tequila.

"More tequila," Joe repeated, shaking his head as he poured her another shot. "You are going to be sorry in the morning."

"I'm always sorry in the morning," she said. "New job tomorrow, so keep them coming."

Joe smiled as he looked beyond her for a moment, handing her the glass again. "This one's from the man at the end of the bar," he said, gesturing in the direction towards the end of the bar.

She paused, the glass halfway up to her lips as she moved to look at the man at the end of the bar. He was nice looking, brown hair with a nice smile, and as her eyes met his, he raised his glass in a greeting. She smiled softly, but lowered the still full glass to the counter.

"Not interested?" Joe asked, eyebrows raised.

"Not really," she sighed, looking down at her hands. "But that's probably a signal that I should go home."

"I'll call you a cab," Joe said, already moving towards the phone mounted on the wall behind the bar.

"I'm okay…." Meredith said, trying to stand and suddenly feeling dizzy. "Or maybe the cab is a good idea."

"I thought so," Joe said, turning to talk in the cab for a moment before he turned back to her. "Ten minutes."

"Ten minutes," she sighed, reaching into her purse and pulling out her cell phone. No calls from Derek, not that she had really expected any. He'd been so hurt when he'd left the night before, but she was still disappointed that he hadn't even called to see if she had made it to Seattle okay.

"You expecting a call?" Joe asked, leaning against the bar. "You've been looking at that phone all night.

"No," she sighed. "Just…break ups."

"Ah," Joe nodded. "Been there."

The bell above the door dinged again, and Joe straightened, walking over to greet the new customer. Meredith fiddled with her phone for a moment, almost texting him before she shook her head and snapped her phone closed. She couldn't do it, she couldn't be dependant on him. She had to let him go, no matter how much she missed him or wanted to talk to him.

Suddenly there was a presence beside her, and she rolled her eyes without looking, shifting to her left, away from the man now sitting in the stool beside her, invading her personal space.

"Double scotch, single malt," she heard an all too familiar voice say, and she froze, slowly turning to stare at Derek Shepherd, her eyes meeting his as he smiled softly at her in the way that made her knees weak.

"So," he said, leaning towards her, a smirk playing on his lips. "Is this a good place to hang out?"

**Okay, don't panic. This story is over. But I'm going to start a sequel that's going to be a little bit of a challenge for me, so please check that out. It's called I wanna Love Somebody Like You, and will be up soon. Thank you all so much for reading this story, I'm so glad that you liked it! I hope to see you at the next story :)**


	17. Chapter 17

Hey guys! Thanks so much for your reviews, I'm glad you liked this story. The sequel is up! It's called I Wanna Love Somebody Like You. I hope you all enjoy it! xoxox


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